Growing up lonely and trying to fit in and completely lost myself

Hi.

New to the chat, but this topic very close to my heart. I am 56 now, but diagnosed at 48. My mother always said she never understood me, that I preferred my own company or being with our dogs in the fields. Other girls I found trivial and spiteful but the village boys just built camps and climbed trees etc and I got on really well with them...till secondary school was a grammar school for girls. I was utterly depressed and alienated for 5 years. I am a strong and stubborn woman as I was as a child but that doesn't mean I don't hurt or hide from society. I have had 19 jobs, most for less than 18 months till I found the right job where I stayed for 17yrs. They said I was such a pain in the....that if I did not get the Aspergers diagnosis I would be in deep trouble..so I paid and got a private diagnosis. Always known for total accuracy, a new manager started, saw my diagnosis and treated me as if I was a liar, incompetent and untrustworthy. I left. New job not so great and very stressful but I mostly work from home so a good barrier. My then partner of 15yrs said he loved me when I was quirky but when diagnosed didn't want to be judged by association so l left him. I don't have the energy to try and please NTs. I inevitably upset them unknowingly along the way... it is a hard choice, be true to yourself and be alone or camouflage and try to fit in with limited success. I keep learning and suffering either way !

Wow that's hard - there are so many stories on here of people with an NT partner that ups and leaves on a diagnosis.  Nothing has really changed in the relationship but the label seems to have a profound effect on some people who can't seem to cope.  

So far everyone I have told has been very understanding (especially my wife) but years of ignorance and trying to fit in means I mostly play nice with the NTs so I don't have too many rough edges.  Of course this means I am lying to myself to some degree but I don't want to alienate everyone close to me.

Hi Paul and KikiCat,

I find men more straightforward and their humour more in tune with mine... the only person who knows of my diagnosis is my husband and managers at work. With lockdown and working from home, my stress levels plummeted because I didn't have to drive to work planning how I would respond to colleagues if it got stressful during the day, or worry about unplanned visits from other teams needing my assistance. It is at times like mental gymnastics listening and running through a response to check for bluntness and rephrasing in nano seconds. I would get home exhausted and my husband would not understand why I would baulk or meltdown when suggesting we visit his elderly parents with zero warning! We only met 3yrs ago so for him it is a roller coaster and every time we row I just wish I was living on my own again. I find he gets over arguments much quicker and I sadly feel there is a bit more of me that dies.

Hi Paul,

I do hope so, but each time I let my defences down and all is well, the moment his family get involved such as short notice group meetings despite social distancing rules, he will agree with them at the expense of my mental and physical wellbeing. He is 60 and I don't understand why he capitulates to keep the peace with them at my expense.  I simply don't trust him as much because it is the pattern of my tears and his professing regret and promising change with no change apparent, and he seems to think that is okay. 

Once a fortnight is good - I hope they let you continue like that after all this pandemic madness is over.  In some ways it has worked out well for many people.

We are still learning with our relationship and I think knowledge of my ASD will make it stronger.  My wife is very sympathetic and caring and we must remember NT's have anxiety and stress too.  My wife suffers from high levels of health anxiety (and is on medication) so this is a two way supportive journey we are on.

If your husband truly loves and cares for you, then he will learn and change and it should deepen your relationship and make you both happier.  

Hi Paul,

Since lockdown panel meetings are now virtual and have worked so well that it has been suggested once offices fully reopen that I would only have to go in once a fortnight  - to be seen as a "team player", so that's good.

With regard to arguments, my husband is slowly understanding until it means changing then that causes issues  - then he just says he forgets I have Aspergers because I seem normal most of the time.... it is odd that on the Spectrum we are accused of being rude but are not supposed to be hurt when someone we love says things like that. Last night I advised if NTs were the minority in society they would be criticised for being so duplicitous, saying things to "buy time", promising and not delivering etc. He just looked at me and eventually had to agree that purely being in a majority does not make it right or honest.

Hi Paul,

Since lockdown panel meetings are now virtual and have worked so well that it has been suggested once offices fully reopen that I would only have to go in once a fortnight  - to be seen as a "team player", so that's good.

With regard to arguments, my husband is slowly understanding until it means changing then that causes issues  - then he just says he forgets I have Aspergers because I seem normal most of the time.... it is odd that on the Spectrum we are accused of being rude but are not supposed to be hurt when someone we love says things like that. Last night I advised if NTs were the minority in society they would be criticised for being so duplicitous, saying things to "buy time", promising and not delivering etc. He just looked at me and eventually had to agree that purely being in a majority does not make it right or honest.

Hi Paul,

I do hope so, but each time I let my defences down and all is well, the moment his family get involved such as short notice group meetings despite social distancing rules, he will agree with them at the expense of my mental and physical wellbeing. He is 60 and I don't understand why he capitulates to keep the peace with them at my expense.  I simply don't trust him as much because it is the pattern of my tears and his professing regret and promising change with no change apparent, and he seems to think that is okay. 

Once a fortnight is good - I hope they let you continue like that after all this pandemic madness is over.  In some ways it has worked out well for many people.

We are still learning with our relationship and I think knowledge of my ASD will make it stronger.  My wife is very sympathetic and caring and we must remember NT's have anxiety and stress too.  My wife suffers from high levels of health anxiety (and is on medication) so this is a two way supportive journey we are on.

If your husband truly loves and cares for you, then he will learn and change and it should deepen your relationship and make you both happier.