Unmasking experience

Hey Max,

I have recently heard Prof Tony Attwood say, you are better being a first class aspie than a second class neurotypical. The world needs all types of brain. Be proud of who you are.

I am  NT but I have some colleagues that have ASD they are direct, competent, no BS or politics and helpful -the best people I worked for and with. Be yourself!

Also a mum to a teen with ASD and he is so down on himself, because like every teenager he wants to fit in. Expect he can’t, because he doesn’t have the social skills and the teenagers can be very mean. 

So I see how much pain trying to mask causes. 

When you are yourself as an adult, people will love you for who you are. 

T.

I give you the upvote for making me laugh!

(Poor little Spider... Vacuumed up into some idiots hooter)

I can list some things people would call masking to better fit in with allistic people.

• Not talking about dark topics
• Not using dark humour
• Not using politically incorrect humour
• Not asking personal questions in the beginning of a friendship
• Asking about their day
• Giving verbal affection and compliments, but not in a superfluous manner
• Not teasing them as they'd get offended
• Not using insults to disagree with them as they'd get offended

I'm sure there's more but I would have to think. I would state something I would put in my book, but I don't want to dox myself.

Unknown said:

Caelus said:

show my love for cute cats! lol because that is not a very cool look on a guy

Caelus, I'd have to say, that whilst for SOME people it may not be a "cool" look, for others it shows that you do have the ability to build some sort of constructive relationship and provide care for another being. And that IS a very attractive trait.

In fact when I was internet dating and scratching around for something to say to the four women who were prepared to swap a few emails with me, it was me recounting the story of the previous evening's ride home where I found myself confronted with a polystyrene cup with legs walking across the road in front of me, and my subsequent freeing up of the hedgehog who's spines made it impossible for him to remove the cup himself that got me the actual face to face date that lead to the relationship I've been in for the last 19 or so years.

And of course for many people who live outside of our mainstream media's influence the epitome of "cool" is the rather tough minded Russian President Vladimir Putin, who is reputedly keeps a cat himself as well as his dog. (and he's possibly one of us..)

Great advice. It's hurts me to see kids pushed into sports when they clearly would rather be doing something more imaginative. 

D&D groups generally are full of the social outcasts and downtrodden, the nerds and so and, the people who are in our position. which is why i usually recommend that adults of autistic kids dont push their kids into normal outdoorsy football type social groups but instead find a D&D or board game type of nerdier group instead.

I can relate to everything you've said. You reminded me how much I mirror other people when speaking to them. Sometimes I have to wonder who the real me is. He's been hidden so much while these other masks are in place. 

I love it when I speak to someone a little quirky and I instantly relax and be the real me. It happens so rarely though. 

I have had a lot of time without friends because I can't tolerate the superficiality of NT's. Nothing against them, but I just don't operate on that wave length, and interactions just don't work between us. 

Only recently did I agree to go to a workmates house to join in a game of D&D. I did so reluctantly because i thought it would be so awkward with these people I hardly knew, but it turns out that half of them are Neuro-diverse and we just all got along like wildfire. It's been really great to have fascinating conversations with people that get me. 

There are people like you out there, but unfortunately I think a lot of us hide away from the crowds and are hard to find. Don't give up because your "people" aren't too far away. You just need to find them. 

I have to be honest and fair Max, I cant say I was neglected as a child, I have no doubts about being loved as a child or as an adult.

Thank you for responding.

I believe what you're describing is a separate issue, sometimes called 'people pleasing'. It is symptomatic of childhood neglect, borne of the idea that we have to constantly do things for others in order to be worthy of their love. And what we 'do' for others in order to 'people please' can take many forms, so long as our true selves/feelings take a backseat. 

Left them behind! What's the matter with some people? Good job the kitties have you as a neighbour.

We lost our old Tom cat to cancer in the pandemic. Nextdoor's cat seems to think he has 3 homes in the street. He visits us every day

Send them around here Dawn, we have 5 cats!!! two of our own, 1 moved in years ago from across the road and wouldnt go home even though they brought him home 3 times!! then the tennants next door moved and left their 2 cats behind!!

I think the key is a friend doesn't mind if you want to do something else or not do something. Sure, for major events like birthdays or leaving dos I go with the crowd. It's the other person's special day so they get to make the call. Otherwise, if you say "not this time thanks, but I'll catch you later", a friend will just understand it's not your idea of fun.

Hi Max, Thanks for asking this!

I had no Idea what masking was until my assessment 3 months ago. I really dont understand what I do as masking, I am still just learning that. However, the more I read here, the more I can relate to a lot of things being mentioned.

I have spent my whole life (56 years) trying to be liked or fit in! Im sure some people actually do like me, but I dont know that and cant calculate that either, I suppose if they didnt like me, then they wouldnt be around me?

I have and still do, get weary trying to please "Everyone" to make sure they are happy, I do this because "I understand" the feeling of what it is like to be unhappy and I dont want people feeling that feeling as it is very intense for me, so I assume it would be for others, if that makes sense. Then I woulder in situations WHY someone has been inconsiderate and made me unhappy, (im sure it wasnt meant} but they dont see or feel the turmoil this causes internally to me! So this is buried deep in the subconscious mind, where it rumiates, thus leaving me anxious and bewildered! So I always tend to go along with whatever others like doing, so that I can fit in and have a circle of friends.

It is only now I am realising that most of these people are just passing aquaintances from time to time, not friends, but I still feel obliged to make them happy so as to fine me likable! perhaps this is not masking, but a seperate issue? I dont really know? As I say, I am only just finding out myself what this is all about.. I know I have lots more to understand...

Yep! That's the sort of thing my husband would, my son would do and my step-son would do. They love cats.

yeah i knew a guy with ADHD in school, trouble maker very hyper. but the social kind that everyone likes and is the life of any piss take lol that type of person will always jump on anything to mock or take piss out of. hell guy i knew with it used to snort rubber and sugar and even a live spider in the middle of class like it was cocaine, teacher never cares because they are only there for wage and dont really care about doing their job or even safe guarding the students from their own stupidity.

i feel the same way. the only time i’m truly myself is around my parents and even then i’m never truly behaving the normal way for me/not masking. i go to school in the uk so throughout secondary school i’ve been masking especially well in fear of bullying and ridiculing. i sometimes let slip and my friends (or ex friends now) made fun of me and little quirks which was weird because one of them is sd adhd? i have a few months off school now so i’m looking for autistic friends / maybe a support group :) i don’t have any friends right now  

I too could only maintain small social circles, and yes, would often fixate on one person. This has been the case through most of my life. Interesting that you bring that up because I never related that to autism.

There's a cat who always makes an appearance up the street. i went past once and an adult man was sitting on the floor (not the owner) with him/her, tickling it's belly and playing with it. 

You might be surprised how many ransoms also think cats are super cute...all apart from my father in law who pretends to hate them, but then left to look after his grand son's cat really bonded with her and did not quite want to give up the cat sitting duty.  Lol. Yeah right, grandad! Cat hater? We don't believe it.

dunno, to his mum maybe, i allow that much to slip to my parents to the point i overreact to the fullest to a cat in a almost childlike way lol but to randoms? nah youd keep your cool if randoms are watching to not look weird lol