Unmasking experience

Caelus said:

show my love for cute cats! lol because that is not a very cool look on a guy

Disagree

Cute cats? What's not to love? My NT son (now 26) would confess to that and to hell with any one who thought him soft. Lol. 

hell my deepest relation of my parents i dont even want them to know that im going for a assessment, although i guess ill end up having to tell them. i dont want them to know anything like that or any problems, its all weak, and perhaps can cause concern, not something you want of even your deepest relation.

dunno, i guess i do, but doesnt everyone present a different face to everyone they dont know? nd a different face to the world anyway. different layers of faces and masks for different relations. and yet not even the deepest relation will truly get the full you and you will still hide stuff from them and want to appear in control to some degree and not want to harm your image.

id say my public face is so detached from who i am that i wont even show my love for cute cats! lol because that is not a very cool look on a guy and can make you look soft.

ofcourse things like making involuntary weird noises often break through the cracks of any mask as they are rather involuntary, but sometimes can be curved or covered up into something else that totally seemed voluntary and in control. 

Yes, I think those of us who are surrounded by other unconventional people have have had a stronger sense of self and fewer problems socialising.

I didn't realise I masked until I read about AS and identified with it. Even now, after 4 years of having the lightbulb moment to having a diagnosis earlier this year, I still don't fully understand it. Although I'm noticing it more when I do it. I just accept its part of who I am if I want to move in "NT" circles (ie have a job). You have to chooose your battles (ie choose your masking situations) as I realise how much energy it takes, and build in recovery time. There are also differnet types of masking. There's a Yo Samdy Sam youtube video about it which is interesting. I think some of my choices in life reflect that I have always known I have difficulties in some areas. This is another type of masking. I feel actually like i have a good sense of self which is what helped me realise I could be on the spectrum, go for an assessment, accept the outcome and work with suggestions in the report. It's a constant state of self-development. I would also say that perhaps the role models I've had in my life (family and friends) have been excellent. My friends are quite unconventional.

It's easier to mask when you are not tired and having a good day. So it's always a fluid situation!

This is one of the aspects of ASC that puzzles me the most. I'm not sure whether I mask at all.

I was certainly an unusual kid. My school reports are full of references to "not mixng", pathetic performance in games and unusual reactions to people and things.

I was bullied quite badly and it caused playground meltdowns. Our head teacher said it was my fault "because I wouldn't be like the other kids" and actually I needed "a good slap". I was 11. But something in me knew that not only did I not want to be "like the other kids", 'cos they were pretty vile, but there was nothing wrong with me as I was and you don't punish some one for being bullied, but rather the bully. It was agonising at the time, but I think my strong belief in social justice and willingness to stand up for others is rooted in that experience. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. 

Maybe the fact that I never compromised is what enabled me to make friends and be sociable later. I only had real friends from 6th form onward, but I gravitated to the kindred spirits; the tolerant hippy types, the quirky and the off beat personalities of all sorts (actually a couple I wouldn't be surprised if they also were auties) and there I found acceptance. I sometimes don't get the jokes or keep up with multiple conversational threads, or miss the cues, but my true friends have never asked me to be anything other than I am. Sometimes my total lack of social inhibition will have me be the brave one in situations the NTs worry about, even if I'm a bit gauche - basically because I don't care what strangers think. And they know I'm the one to ask if you want a straight answer.

BUT, I do wonder how many of the little social scripts I do use,  I've acquired by observance along the way. Possibly, TV heroes mostly. I definately analyse my way to understanding what others want. I don't always get it right. Certainly, I've explicitly taught myself to read body language. I was a trainer. I had to. Panning the class for signs of discomfort while simultaneously delivering a lesson is exhausting, but worth while. Is that masking???? Or just a conscious effort and a lot of hard work, to meet the needs of others and be a good communicator, because I believed in the end goal.

Do ALL people with autism mask to some extent? Am I doing it sometimes, even if I think I'm not? Don't know. I'll be interested in the other responses to this one.

Yes. What you described is pretty much what I could have written for me.

I'm on a long journey of discovering who I am underneath. Yet, I've read it's quite common for autistic people to not have the same sense of self as allistic people do. So, I'm doing my best to uncover who I am but without expecting that to be like anyone else describes. Not easy. But it has been absolutely worth it so far. Long way to go yet.

U use the word "I" so you do have a self. U dont need friends or too belong anywhere to be a person with a self

yes i can pass as neurotypical  and can move in their circles.  I have to to hold down a job.

What was your autism diagnosis ---- what did they say ?

I was only diagnosed recently, aged 46. For the 5 or so years before that things were really bad and my mental health suffered as a result. I’m sure I’m not unique in having this experience and being diagnosed with everything under the sun and referred to every type of therapy and counselling known to man!

I think now, when I look back, with freshly opened eyes, across the rest of my life I can see how my autism could have played a part in certain events or situations. Like the fact I could only maintain one friend at a time throughout school.

The reason my assessment took so long to come about and the reason I am still struggling to come to terms with it now, is that I have been so moulded by NT’s around me I have sort of become one by default. I’ve though I know I’m not because of the amount of anxiety that causes me when I mask.

Hi Max,

The short answer to that list is - yes.

I think that being a good mimic helps to cover up a lot of traits to the extent that one can create a semblance of neurotypicality - to the extent that people expect that from you - and 'slipping up' (aka being your unfiltered self for a minute) just reinforces the idea that there is something wrong with you because there is suddenly a set of unfamiliar behaviors on both sides of the conversation.

I am often finding myself at the point that I don't know which bit I was faking and which bit was the real me coming through. I suggested this to a (very good) clinical psychologist recently and he just looked a bit sad and shook his head - I think he was trying to tell me that there won't ever be much chance of me working that out.

I really crave the sense of belonging that I often see people describing but that seems to be something that is impossibly elusive from me. I have tried, really hard and in totally different ways, and not been able to engineer a situation where that is the case.

I still have hope though. There must be some way of having a safe space where literally anything does - without judgement. And if it takes forever to to find it - and even if it lasts for just a very brief time - it might be worth it.

Hope that's not too much of a downer.

JJ

(PS I have recently discovered that letting some physical 'tics' leak out here and there have much less impact than I thought!!)