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Unmasking experience

Max

Has anyone else on the spectrum spent most of their time on earth presenting as neurotypical? I spent many of my formative years, including all of my adolescence and now adulthood, trying to appear as ordinary as possible. I don't know if I'm 'high-functioning' or simply a good mimic.

This has included:

- keeping my niche interests and tastes to myself unless I know for certain that others will find them agreeable

- keeping physical tics to a bare minimum

- hiding my true feelings/opinions (this could be related to C-PTSD)

- mirroring the personalities or quirks of other people

I'm a deeply unhappy person with no real sense of self, no real friends and nowhere that I belong. That's what you get for trying to please everyone else!

If anyone has had a similar experience, feel free to share them here.

Thanks.

Parents

  • I was only diagnosed recently, aged 46. For the 5 or so years before that things were really bad and my mental health suffered as a result. I’m sure I’m not unique in having this experience and being diagnosed with everything under the sun and referred to every type of therapy and counselling known to man!

    I think now, when I look back, with freshly opened eyes, across the rest of my life I can see how my autism could have played a part in certain events or situations. Like the fact I could only maintain one friend at a time throughout school.

    The reason my assessment took so long to come about and the reason I am still struggling to come to terms with it now, is that I have been so moulded by NT’s around me I have sort of become one by default. I’ve though I know I’m not because of the amount of anxiety that causes me when I mask.

  • in reply to The Riddler

    I too could only maintain small social circles, and yes, would often fixate on one person. This has been the case through most of my life. Interesting that you bring that up because I never related that to autism.

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