Worried mum of HFA son

Hi there Mrs K,

Your son sounds quite happy that he's got a job with the level of responsibility he wants for now. And that's fine. He may want to complete is PhD one day and teach, cool if he does, cool if he doesn't.

It also sounds like he is very resistant to change. He doesn't want his room updated. But at the same time none of us can prevent life changing, and somewhere underneath he knows this. He's at the same time talking about his own place. He ought to be able to do that if he's working. If his pay isn't great, he might qualify for some housing ben or he may be able to claim some other living assistance. PiP? Or will the council help?

ASC or not though, he is going to have to accept one thing; something HAS changed. He isn't a baby any more. His choice is respect the fact he needs to do a few jobs and accept the room update, or go it alone. That isn't going to be easy for him. Whilst you can try to make the transition easier for him, you can't protect him from all of life's transitions. They happen ultimately whether we like them or not. Better to plan for them and manage them gently than have them thrust on you with no support later.  He'll have to make the transition one day. Better to do it while you are young and fit enough to help him.

things aren't just things for some people. They are memories, hopes, ties to happier times, emotional anchors. Maybe his room is like that. You say you're still living with a moody teenager and maybe that's a great analogy. Adult life, at least one he wants to engage with, never materialised for him. I'm guessing his job is a chore he tolerates. From 9 to 5 he pretends to be an adult because he has to to live but he's no passion in it. Makes no friends there, has no emotional investment in the work. Probably finds his work environment very stressful.

From his point of view he has no adult hood to move forward to and you seem to be trying to take his childhood away. And the solution you offer is that he should get a new job where he finds it even harder to put on his daily act of pretending to be adult.

It sounds like the PhD might be the best thing for him in the short term. But getting funding for a humanities PhD is hard and getting a lectureship in the humanities (or anywhere) very hard. But if he could at least he could engage with his job as I have done. It won't nessiceraly meet his other needs (social etc) jobs and the autistic social life, if you can get one, just seems like oil and water. academia is financially precarious till you get to the top. But at least he'd stop feeling like such of an imposter at work. Like he had a stake it.

Sorry, I didn't mean that I think he tolerates you. I just couldn't stand being in the same space as my mum when I had to live with her. When I graduated from uni I lasted 2 or 3 weeks with her and then I went to live with a friend. My mum hated this even though we argued so much, but it was for the best. I haven't lived at home since and I am now 32. I am lucky though because I have a husband and he financially supports me to stay in my stressful job but part time. If I was single I would struggle to live alone unless I worked full time again, so I'd have to consider moving into a less stressful job like your son but then have the financial difficulties of living alone. I basically couldn't keep every plate spinning - something would have to give and it would likely be my mental health. Your son sounds like he has a set idea of what kind of work he thinks he could pursue and COVID just spoilt the plan. I really struggle when my plans are affected like that so I can empathise. I'd be snapping at everyone too. 

I won't hurt myself. I have two young children who need a mum, as much as I feel pretty useless at times I know they think I'm good enough for them.

Thank you. It’s a huge learning curve for me too so I will take your comments on board x

Michelle

Believe me when I say I am not pressuring him. I see a man who is full of potential and he knows himself he isn’t leading the life he would wish to as he’s told me that. He’s frustrated by this and therefore doesn’t ‘tolerate’ me in the slightest. In fact I’m his verbal punchbag and it has to stop.

you sound as if you are doing your best but please don’t think of  harming yourself when times get hard. There’s always help. So many people around you who love you would have their lives devastated too x

The problem is we often have a hard-limit on stress - we can't be coached into accepting more - it just burns us out.     Some of us are able to handle more than others.

Part of having autism is accepting the limits it imposes on us.      Half of our problem is figuring out where we fit and what we can - and cannot do without burning out.

Yes I’ve written him a couple of letters before to allow him to process what I’ve said . Yes I agree that responsibility = stress. He has a therapist we pay privately for to help him with his anxiety and stress management. 

Mrs K said:

All I want is a good relationship with him

Ask him if he would prefer to talk via e-mail - it allows processing time and takes the heat out of any conversation.

Mrs K said:

His boss is very supportive of his situation and has offered him more responsibility but he’s turned that down. 

Responsibility = stress.      I ended up with a stress-related health problem - destroyed my life.   He may just be being very honest and realistic with his ability to handle extra anxiety..

Hi Peter

Thanks for your reply. In answer to your questions:

1. His masters is in medieval history.

2. He does an admin job for a manufacturing company. His boss is very supportive of his situation and has offered him more responsibility but he’s turned that down. 
3. He would like to continue with a history phd and eventually go into lecturing. He was all set up to start the phd then COVID halted that. He doesn’t want to be a high school teacher.

4. Yes he’s in his room from childhood. The reason we want in to decorate is we had some structural issues with our house and it’s caused large cracks in the walls. His room is furnished with items he bought including a large desk.

5. We cleared our spare bedroom for him at the start of the year so he had extra space for his musical instruments and to sketch which are his hobbies but as yet he hasn’t used his extra space.

He doesn’t like to mix with people only his online friends and I totally get that. He has full autonomy over his job and doesn’t have to engage in small talk with other colleagues. I think this is why he stays in this job.

I understand what you say about making choices over job versus financial stability but doesn’t everyone have that choice? I know I have through my life.  I feel like I still have a moody teenager living with me. All I want is a good relationship with him but if I say anything he takes it all the wrong way. He refuses to come out of his comfort zone. I just don’t know what to do now. Any suggestions would be gladly received.

I can relate to this. My own time as a PHD student and job hunting after was very much like this.

Let me ask you a few questions.

1. What's his masters in?
2. what is his job and does he love it?
3. If his job isn't what he used to want to do what did he want to do?
4. Is the room he sleeps in the room he grew up in?
5. Does his room perhaps have sentimental value to him? Particularly the way it's decorated?
6. Did he get to be involved in the original decoration choices? Does the room contain any family art work? Murals etc?
7. Does he have a space where he can leave things out to work on? Papers he's dealing with, books he's reading, projects he's working on. etc. A table or large desk (not a computer desk) he can just leave things on.
8. Is there anything about work or the working environment he finds particularly hard?

I also have had to choose in my career between financial stability and doing a job I love. I chose the job. But as a consequence my finances are thin and when my contract ends my position might be precarious. This is the price you pay to do what you love.

Why is his life not successful as it is? Maybe he doesn't want to leave you and his home for your idea of "success". 

I wish I'd never felt any pressure to live that life. I have a career and a family, but I also have significant anxiety and regularly feel like I want to run away from it all. It can make me ponder ways of killing myself because I struggle to sustain this life and the responsibilities. Your son's life sounds great to me and if I could tolerate my mum then I would love to live with her and live a simpler life.