Published on 12, July, 2020
My son was diagnosed with HFA last year at the age of 28. He still lives at home, has a full time job and is educated to Masters level and can speak several languages fluently. My husband and I give our son all the space he needs at home however it can be very difficult living with him as he refuses to help out around home or get involved in anything we do. For example he will not let us decorate his room or replace the flooring which desperately needs to be done. He can be very moody and either ignores us when we talk to him or mumbles at us or yells at us. We constantly walk on egg shells around him and it’s now affecting our relationship as his behaviour causes us to have arguments.
This weekend we had a conversation with him about either taking more responsibility at home and that as we all live together we should all be equal and that includes taking responsibility for running the home. He announced he wants to get his own place but unfortunately he doesn’t earn enough. We pointed out that he would need to utilise his qualifications more to get a better paid job. He’s now in a decline and this morning looked like he had been crying. I feel terrible that I’ve upset him. I want to support him but it frustrates me that he won’t come out of his comfort zone and push himself a little to achieve a better life for himself. His 22 year old sister recently left home and has started a good career. I get the feeling he resents this terribly.
Can anyone point me in the right direction of how I can speak to him without him going into meltdown mode emotionally? I hear so much about HFA adults can lead a successful life and have relationships. I only want him to be happy. My heart is breaking.
Hi there Mrs K,
Your son sounds quite happy that he's got a job with the level of responsibility he wants for now. And that's fine. He may want to complete is PhD one day and teach, cool if he does, cool if he doesn't.
It also sounds like he is very resistant to change. He doesn't want his room updated. But at the same time none of us can prevent life changing, and somewhere underneath he knows this. He's at the same time talking about his own place. He ought to be able to do that if he's working. If his pay isn't great, he might qualify for some housing ben or he may be able to claim some other living assistance. PiP? Or will the council help?
ASC or not though, he is going to have to accept one thing; something HAS changed. He isn't a baby any more. His choice is respect the fact he needs to do a few jobs and accept the room update, or go it alone. That isn't going to be easy for him. Whilst you can try to make the transition easier for him, you can't protect him from all of life's transitions. They happen ultimately whether we like them or not. Better to plan for them and manage them gently than have them thrust on you with no support later. He'll have to make the transition one day. Better to do it while you are young and fit enough to help him.