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Worried mum of HFA son

Mrs K
over 3 years ago

My son was diagnosed with HFA last year at the age of 28. He still lives at home, has a full time job and is educated to Masters level and can speak several languages fluently. My husband and I give our son all the space he needs at home however it can be very difficult living with him as he refuses to help out around home or get involved in anything we do. For example he will not let us decorate his room or replace the flooring which desperately needs to be done. He can be very moody and either ignores us when we talk to him or mumbles at us or yells at us. We constantly walk on egg shells around him and it’s now affecting our relationship as his behaviour causes us to have arguments.

This weekend we had a conversation with him about either taking more responsibility at home and that as we all live together we should all be equal and that includes taking responsibility for running the home. He announced he wants to get his own place but unfortunately he doesn’t earn enough. We pointed out that he would need to utilise his qualifications more to get a better paid job. He’s now in a decline and this morning looked like he had been crying. I feel terrible that I’ve upset him. I want to support him but it frustrates me that he won’t come out of his comfort zone and push himself a little to achieve a better life for himself. His 22 year old sister recently left home and has started a good career. I get the feeling he resents this terribly.

Can anyone point me in the right direction of how I can speak to him without him going into meltdown mode emotionally? I hear so much about HFA adults can lead a successful life and have relationships. I only want him to be happy. My heart is breaking. 

Parents
  • over 3 years ago

    I can relate to this. My own time as a PHD student and job hunting after was very much like this.

    Let me ask you a few questions.

    1. What's his masters in?
    2. what is his job and does he love it?
    3. If his job isn't what he used to want to do what did he want to do?
    4. Is the room he sleeps in the room he grew up in?
    5. Does his room perhaps have sentimental value to him? Particularly the way it's decorated?
    6. Did he get to be involved in the original decoration choices? Does the room contain any family art work? Murals etc?
    7. Does he have a space where he can leave things out to work on? Papers he's dealing with, books he's reading, projects he's working on. etc. A table or large desk (not a computer desk) he can just leave things on.
    8. Is there anything about work or the working environment he finds particularly hard?

    I also have had to choose in my career between financial stability and doing a job I love. I chose the job. But as a consequence my finances are thin and when my contract ends my position might be precarious. This is the price you pay to do what you love.

  • over 3 years ago in reply to Peter

    Hi Peter

    Thanks for your reply. In answer to your questions:

    1. His masters is in medieval history.

    2. He does an admin job for a manufacturing company. His boss is very supportive of his situation and has offered him more responsibility but he’s turned that down. 
    3. He would like to continue with a history phd and eventually go into lecturing. He was all set up to start the phd then COVID halted that. He doesn’t want to be a high school teacher.

    4. Yes he’s in his room from childhood. The reason we want in to decorate is we had some structural issues with our house and it’s caused large cracks in the walls. His room is furnished with items he bought including a large desk.

    5. We cleared our spare bedroom for him at the start of the year so he had extra space for his musical instruments and to sketch which are his hobbies but as yet he hasn’t used his extra space.

    He doesn’t like to mix with people only his online friends and I totally get that. He has full autonomy over his job and doesn’t have to engage in small talk with other colleagues. I think this is why he stays in this job.

    I understand what you say about making choices over job versus financial stability but doesn’t everyone have that choice? I know I have through my life.  I feel like I still have a moody teenager living with me. All I want is a good relationship with him but if I say anything he takes it all the wrong way. He refuses to come out of his comfort zone. I just don’t know what to do now. Any suggestions would be gladly received.

  • over 3 years ago in reply to Mrs K
    Mrs K said:
    All I want is a good relationship with him

    Ask him if he would prefer to talk via e-mail - it allows processing time and takes the heat out of any conversation.

    Mrs K said:
    His boss is very supportive of his situation and has offered him more responsibility but he’s turned that down. 

    Responsibility = stress.      I ended up with a stress-related health problem - destroyed my life.   He may just be being very honest and realistic with his ability to handle extra anxiety..

  • over 3 years ago in reply to Plastic

    Thank you. It’s a huge learning curve for me too so I will take your comments on board x

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