Published on 12, July, 2020
My son was diagnosed with HFA last year at the age of 28. He still lives at home, has a full time job and is educated to Masters level and can speak several languages fluently. My husband and I give our son all the space he needs at home however it can be very difficult living with him as he refuses to help out around home or get involved in anything we do. For example he will not let us decorate his room or replace the flooring which desperately needs to be done. He can be very moody and either ignores us when we talk to him or mumbles at us or yells at us. We constantly walk on egg shells around him and it’s now affecting our relationship as his behaviour causes us to have arguments.
This weekend we had a conversation with him about either taking more responsibility at home and that as we all live together we should all be equal and that includes taking responsibility for running the home. He announced he wants to get his own place but unfortunately he doesn’t earn enough. We pointed out that he would need to utilise his qualifications more to get a better paid job. He’s now in a decline and this morning looked like he had been crying. I feel terrible that I’ve upset him. I want to support him but it frustrates me that he won’t come out of his comfort zone and push himself a little to achieve a better life for himself. His 22 year old sister recently left home and has started a good career. I get the feeling he resents this terribly.
Can anyone point me in the right direction of how I can speak to him without him going into meltdown mode emotionally? I hear so much about HFA adults can lead a successful life and have relationships. I only want him to be happy. My heart is breaking.
Why is his life not successful as it is? Maybe he doesn't want to leave you and his home for your idea of "success".
I wish I'd never felt any pressure to live that life. I have a career and a family, but I also have significant anxiety and regularly feel like I want to run away from it all. It can make me ponder ways of killing myself because I struggle to sustain this life and the responsibilities. Your son's life sounds great to me and if I could tolerate my mum then I would love to live with her and live a simpler life.
Michelle
Believe me when I say I am not pressuring him. I see a man who is full of potential and he knows himself he isn’t leading the life he would wish to as he’s told me that. He’s frustrated by this and therefore doesn’t ‘tolerate’ me in the slightest. In fact I’m his verbal punchbag and it has to stop.
you sound as if you are doing your best but please don’t think of harming yourself when times get hard. There’s always help. So many people around you who love you would have their lives devastated too x
Sorry, I didn't mean that I think he tolerates you. I just couldn't stand being in the same space as my mum when I had to live with her. When I graduated from uni I lasted 2 or 3 weeks with her and then I went to live with a friend. My mum hated this even though we argued so much, but it was for the best. I haven't lived at home since and I am now 32. I am lucky though because I have a husband and he financially supports me to stay in my stressful job but part time. If I was single I would struggle to live alone unless I worked full time again, so I'd have to consider moving into a less stressful job like your son but then have the financial difficulties of living alone. I basically couldn't keep every plate spinning - something would have to give and it would likely be my mental health. Your son sounds like he has a set idea of what kind of work he thinks he could pursue and COVID just spoilt the plan. I really struggle when my plans are affected like that so I can empathise. I'd be snapping at everyone too.
I won't hurt myself. I have two young children who need a mum, as much as I feel pretty useless at times I know they think I'm good enough for them.