# Daily Updates 2 #

he sounds very insensitive, he doesn't know you or your situation so should try to help rather than make you feel worse.

I’ve just talked to GP. My usual GP wasn’t there and so I chatted online with different one and he insisted on calling me. So we had a phone chat. My GP wanted me to start therapy and I wasn’t sure and today I just wanted to tell them that I’m willing to try it. But this guy just told me to self refer to IAPT and kept asking me why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling (you’ve got house, you’ve got family, husband, job - why aren’t you happy? You’ve got everything) Maybe he wanted to help me but he made me feel awful because I’ve got everything and still feel anxious and depressed and thought about killing myself. I’m so ungrateful, weak and negative person. And now  I’m crying again. 

Ouch, glad that your thumb is going to be ok

It ended up going well. About 2 and a half hours and still more to figure out. Fortunately this particular manager has a better understanding of how I'm struggling and recognises the need for ongoing discussion. I wish he was still one of my direct managers but he got a promotion so I can't deny him that. I'm on leave next week and we'll have another chat when I get back. It's like finally breaking through. There is always a fear that it will go backwards as you say. I've had those experiences before. But it's gotten to the stage where I can't ignore it any longer and still be able to function. Gotta sort it out.

released from hospital.  i cant speak any more highly of the staff there. I just love them.  thumb hurts like its on fire today which is good because it means the nerves are all working and saying  "u  b_astard, how dare u damage us"     

its pissing down rain today which i love  water is life 

Since my last chat with GP I’ve been thinking about my opinions: increasing the antidepressants dose (I’m scared of that) or starting phone therapy (extremely anxious as I don’t do phone calls) and I think I’ll go for the therapy, even though I don’t know how I’m going to do that. My heart is pounding even when I’m thinking about it but I really don’t want to go back to how I was 2 months ago (I was pretty calm back then but now, when I think about my past thoughts I see why my coworker was so concerned). 

Didn't wake up until noon; more exhaustion. My Key Worker said that she will review my meds with the Shrink and we will have another phone-conference gettogether, soon.

I drove to Coalisland this afternoon, to buy Co-Codamol and Vitamin C tablets. The drive to and from was frustrating. Again, the negative voice in my head saying that the journey was 'nonb-essential'.

Then, I batch-cooked Carbonara - pasta, bacon medalions and cream of mushroom soup. After doing the dishes, I went to the Christian Fellowship prayer meeting. It was good. However, I struggled to mask my feelings whenever one of the Hymns was based on 'Fields of Athenry'. All I could think of was my Nan wondering why Protestants would sing a Hymn based on a Republican song.

I am home, and doing laundry tonight. There is silage being drawn by the new owners of my land; new owners, in all but name. And I have a Skype call scheduled in twenty minutes time.

how many more have you got to go?

Got one User Story completed today thats it :)   a bug I found had the developer running around getting it fixed asap

Laravel? It does tidy things up a lot and once you get your head around routes etc it is a lot better

awesome hope it was as easy as they claim

Best of luck. Keeping my fingers crossed that they listen and it goes well.

My experience of conversations like this is that I think I've made a breakthrough and all of a sudden something will happen where it's back to square one. Folk can be over-diplomatic even when the concerns are real or can adopt a defensive posture when a better approach could be taking time to see things from someone else's' point of view. It's quite a step for some managers/leaders to admit "actually we didn't get that right".

It's an on-going thing though.... I'm still navigating which things I need to call out and which things I can probably let slide.  

Nice, i've been using the laravel framework recently, with php, mysql, html and css

Thanks, I vented to my manager this morning so it's getting people aware of what accommodations I need - although my "everything is chaotic" (which it is) philosophy is being put to the test. 

Slept for hours after I logged off the works PC - which means I can be awake at unsocial hours. When I get restless I'll potter about and do an update entry which tends to quieten a busy mind down.

Things have been better today though (I'm holding the fort for another 2 weeks). The sup-a-cuppa-while-waiting-around-for-a-call this morning was a godsend. 10 minutes of pure heaven.

I'm surprised everything doesn't just implode.

Quick update, I'm trying to get help from the gp. Getting through on the phone is impossible so I've filled in an online form.

I'm trying to prepare for a two hour conversation tomorrow with one of my managers where I need to somehow convince him of a number of problems, including the fact that the management team employs gaslighting behaviours without even realising it. Supposedly, concerns are supposed to be reported and investigated. But I've already had one chat and without even looking at any of the evidence, he was already making excuses on their behalf and telling me that I'm creating problems where there are none - Which is Gaslighting.

I don't have high hopes for this meeting tomorrow

yes this happens to me quite a bit

Hi Ethan. That sounds like a awful day. You were up till late posting it (if you are in the UK) so I hope that you managed to get some sleep and are feeling more rested. I hope that today goes better and that you are managing okay. Take care. 

Tough Monday.

All the things that I explicitly said I needed post-diagnosis disappeared today. Called into a meeting last minute, no brief, no update, no clear steer and expected to present to a meeting full of stakeholders without a clear ask. The topic is not even my stuff. Made worse because someone else fudged something which apparently some people know about and I'm placed in a vulnerable position on how to deliver information because I don't know who knows about said fudge -so do I refer to it or not? I do not do this kind of uncertainty. I need parameters to work in. On my pay scale I expect them.

Stress levels through the roof which left me disconnected and frayed most of the day. My colleague less than helpful - at times I need someone to be objective and mindful of my traits when I'm feeling on edge - not bombarding with me opinions and useless information. 

I present, I decided not to refer to the fudge because my so-called leads haven't (and they're supposed to be the ones setting the scene). The information lands well. Everyone is happy.

Except me.

How the hell do people work like this?