High Functioning Problems

Ahhh, sitting on a cliff watching the sea. That sounds beautiful right now

At first during lockdown I thought great! I can hibernate. Things were tough for us because we’d been spreading ourselves thin so time just by ourselves was good too. But it’s still everybody in one house (rather than someone going to work, someone popping to the shops, etc) so it can feel sometimes like you need a bit of space to “check out”. I went for a walk by myself the other day and just sat on a bench somewhere watching the birds. It was really peaceful. And the great thing is, now I’m more honest about telling my husband I’m in burnout he can understand and doesn’t take it the wrong way. He actually offers now “hey, I’ll take the little one for a walk. Take an hour. If you wanna meet us cool if not cool too”. It’s just lovely and gives me time to recharge a bit. I used to feel bad for this, but now I realise it’s great because I get recharged and then that puts me in a better mind frame and more energised to have family time. Sometimes we feel guilty but my partners actually told me I seem way more content and nicer to be around when I’ve taken the time I need to relax. 

Wow, thanks so much for this honest reply creative. You've really eloquently described exactly my situation where there is no memory left in the computer. That point onwards is so tough. I have pitch perfect hearing (so can identify a musical note just from hearing it) but even this goes when the brain is spinning too many plates, it definitely feels like a wall where no more processing is possible. This is what's a bit different right now, like you described I can't find anything to hyperfocus on because I'm too overwhelmed. While I'm in this zone I'm just throwing out anything to try to make space but still struggling to snap out of being so robotic.

You make a good point about space, and perhaps as per replies earlier the lockdown is making things tough. It's been 4 months of at home working with partner and children in the house too. Unable to really go anywhere for any stretch of time too.

I'll try to organise some blocks of time to heal. As you say, this may be the therapeutic approach I need. All I dream of is sitting atop a desolate cliff watching the sea.

Very best,

Chris

Awesome, thanks Rachel this is really interesting. I have a degree in music technology so this kind of application of signal processing is really exciting on that front too! 

Hi Chris,

I’m 37 year old too, same position with partner and kid, same feeling. I’ve just learnt I probably have ASD (from psychiatrist, but no formal diagnosis from autism clinic available for another 2 years+ unfortunately). I found out because I was seeking help for severe depression. 

So, yes. I think it’s definitely burnout. It’s a tough place to find yourself after 30-odd years of feeling different. To suddenly find out about masking and to suddenly have a different perspective on your entire life. All of this is enough to deal with alone, but then to feel like you have to continue with normal life, looking after your children, working, doing housework, it’s just overload. 

I’m fortunate that I’d quit my job to look after our child full time and my husband is incredibly supportive and loving. He’s taken over things for a couple weeks for me to just sit alone in a room and heal. Is this something you could try? Maybe even if it’s just a couple hours to yourself a day? It has helped massively for me. I’m a really creative person and love (like most with ASD) fanatically learning about things in depth and will usually spend hours reading or learning. Lately though I’m struggling like you say to find something to get “lost” in. I once described to my counsellor it’s like when you phone runs out of memory and you can’t take any more photos. My mind feels literally at full capacity and it’s like I can’t take in anymore sensory or learnt information. And then my mind switches to numb “robot” mode. I become just apathetic and indifferent and this is my danger mode. Very difficult place to be when you are trying to look after a child. 

A lot of it for me is feeling a bit confused without diagnosis so hopefully this will pass as I read up a bit more on ASD. The other part might be what was mentioned in one of the replies about lockdown and being disconnected from NT’s. I used to go in to town just to be around people, not necessarily to talk. I would just take my little one to the library or to a coffee shop or the park. I could still feel alone in a way but with other people there. I could have an odd conversation with someone in a shop or something without the anxiety of the social expectations of friendship. So, there might be something to that too. 

Things that have helped for me:

Being more open and trying (it’s hard!) to share my honest feelings with my partner so we can adjust our schedules to allow for me to have time by myself.

Spending a little time outdoors 

Finding something new to do with my kid that’s fun for me too (whether it’s a game outside we can BOTH enjoy or just finding a little board game or drawing together)

Lots of time alone to “check out”. LOTS. Just time to sleep, stare at the wall, read this forum (there are some good accounts on IG to if you search #aspergers), draw, read, daydream

Having something to do with my partner that is non-verbal. We watch a show on tv together or some nights we just sit at the dining table across from each other but working in silence (I’ll be doing artwork and he’ll be doing work, etc) 

Hope this helps. I love the helpful posts on this community forum it’s been great to not feel so alone in all of this. 

No problem! A company called Nuheara are really interesting, they have a section dedicated to ASD here. Also there are some audiologists who specialise in ASD / auditory processing disorder and perform hearing tests that do more than just test if your ears can hear different tones, but check things like speech recognition in background noise. Some hearing aids now have the technology that enhances speech while quieting background sound, which can help with maintaining energy levels.

The good night sleep is so often forgotten but makes a massive difference, thank you.

Thanks so much for the reply. This really rings some bells for me as there are a lot of similarities in our evening together (next to each other, but me usually with headphones on) and in the way I think I'm being loving by doing things effectively and doing things in an efficient way - I guess because I have shared my time and so that equals sharing and all that! Thank you

Good to meet you too and thank you for another lengthy response :)

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship too. The PDA is something I'll research, I definitely suppress my need for my own time, greatly, to be more of a family man.

I think this whole response is really interesting as it is all about time - much appreciated food for thought, thank you.

Hi Rach, This is really interesting and something I am keen to learn more about - thank you :D

The thing that can annoy me is after I come in from work and lie on the sofa and the wife will walk past and say "sleeping again, you're lazy" but its because I'm shattered from being out and at work I've always needed sleep either after coming in from school or work or any family gathering.

I definitely need time out as it gives you the chance as you say to decompress.

Hi Chris. I think it has got better for me. But the key here is to ensure that you have space for yourself, you're allowed to decompress and you're in a sympathetic environment. Getting a good night's sleep most nights and understanding what the telltale signs are for triggers to meltdowns help too. 

Apart from the gaming, this is just like me

Hi Chris.

Just prior to this message I spent about 25 minutes in a reply and pressed the wrong button and it disappeared so I have to start again wish me luck! arghhh.

My wife often says I'm unromantic but I've always been like this. I think the best I can do is buy her some flowers just because I've had it drilled into my mind (not literally) and I really don't see the point of buying flowers as its a waste of money and they usually die within a week or two. 

I would say I'm hardwork for her as she often says I'm a control freak but in my opinion I am just trying to show her more efficient/safer ways of doing things in general. We love each other but we both need time out in the evening usually I will spend hours online gaming whilst she will sit and watch TV. I also often get told to stop shouting or that I'm argumentative but this is quite simply if I am trying to get my point across or opinion or if the person doesn't understand what I mean. I'm one of the nicest people you could meet and very trustworthy as I hate lies.

I would say with regards to you asking if it gets easier with age is from my life experiences then "yes it does"

Socially becomes a little easier for me as I get older as I learn from others how they reply to general chit chat. For example when I got my first job in my late teens work colleagues would ask " how are you today " I would reply " I'm okay thanks" but then listen to how others communicate with that question " good thank you, how are you". So rather than just thinking about myself learn to ask the same back to the other person even though im really not interested but trying to come across normal. We call it masking so masking can become easier with age in my opinion.

I will always say the wrong things from time to time but usually people will laugh even though I'm not meaning it in a joking way. I will aswell say that after being diagnosed you learn a bit more about they way you react/act is because of your ASC. I have HFA Aspergers type. I haven't told many people only close family and a friend or two.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear you've been having some trouble - I was diagnosed at 30, and have been trying to unravel the sensory issues. One thing that I tried a month or so ago, and I couldn't believe how much it helped, was new hearing technology which has SINC - Speech In Noise Control. I couldn't believe the effect it had. My family immediately commented that my speech was clearer, and I could hear the conversations so much more easily, because the technology automatically dampens background sound and enhances speech. I honestly can't praise it enough, it's been literally life-changing. Do let me know if you'd like any more details. I know that a lot of people often wear noise-cancelling headphones and earplugs, which I used to wear and these helped to some extent, but the new hearing technology helped me to take part in conversations much more easily and I could engage without getting as tired, noticing smaller aspects to the communication and reading people's subtle nuances better, as well as being able to hear myself more clearly so I could speak better. Wishing you all the very best

I think the lower demands of retirement have been very beneficial. Definitely more at ease. He was a teacher and hated work in certainly some key/obvious respects. He struggled hugely with the expectation of his boss (headmaster) and the parents. Yet, he never got tired of the subject itself.

So, in retirement, he gets to enjoy his special interests. He is mostly free to do what he wishes to do and does those studiously.

I guess some aspects of modern life become a bit more challenging - such as working out electronic devices - but he gets by ok as long as he has someone to help him out.

So, some things have improved, some things present newer challenges. He's in his 70s now. He's physically and mentally fit and has been much calmer since retirement.

I've found lockdown to be a mixture of some parts easier, some parts tougher. It's very much cut me off from having connection with neurotypical people. I found, pretty early on, that the only people I am able to regularly connect to in lockdown were fellow Aspies.

This troubles me a touch as it creates an echo chamber and holds back my learning processes. I feel I need neurotypical people to help me stay in touch. If the connection with them is cut off, I fall behind in understanding them and I feel myself drifting away from much of society.

I totally understand how too much masking can be tiring. On the other hand, getting disconnected in lockdown is be cut adrift.

I note how our situations are perhaps rather different so our experiences in it are too. I started lockdown with a partner. When it happened, the time in close quarters became a nightmare and, within a few weeks, things deteriorated. Too much pressure in a small space and we broke up. It was very sad to see a 4.5 year loving relationship go to dust so quickly.

Each relationship is unique however. I'm currently doing a huge amount of reading on a strand of autism called Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) [thanks to this forum for finding out about it]. PDA has certain traits which see to apply to me quite keenly - one of those is a strong desire for personal freedom. Given this fact, it is not surprising that being cooped up inside a flat made life very hard for me - and therefore also a knock on effect of things being very hard for my partner (who I don't believe is totally neurotypical either)

I wish you the best of communication with your family and I hope and have faith that you will find the right ways to get the space and time you need to recover and recharge.

Nice to meet you Chris

Thanks for the reply - do you feel your dad feels more at ease with less absorbing his brain since retirement? I really feel that space is so tight and can imagine removing work from that space opens it for something else, something more thoughtful perhaps?

I think the lockdown, initially, was great and simplified things removing a commute and having the schedule changed under such circurmstances was fine for me as it wasn't a decision I could make it was just done. The longer it has gone on the harder I have found things - to find time, space and peace and quiet seems so much harder and the stagnation of day in day out with variation is tough.

How have you found lockdown?

Thanks for the welcome :D

That's a good point. I should maybe try to worry less and just spend time sharing the kids' toys and lifestyle, thanks :)

In my head I'm still 14.       It means that I'll never get 'old' and I still enjoy Lego, theme parks, making models etc. so I fit quite well with kids.        This is useful because a lot of the non-emotional, non-stressful interaction with children is just spending time with them doing things together - and a lot of my interests are interesting for them too.

I'm also lucky(?) in that I have a major health problem that means I can't work any more - and so I have the flexibility to arrange my days to my advantage.         I have the ability to push my life forwards without wrecking my health too much.

Hi Chris, as someone who would very much like to be part of society, I'm hoping that things with ASD (ASC) do not necessarily get worse with age.

Actually, in my family, I have found some aspects of improvement with age. My dad, I now am pretty sure, has (and has always had) all the telltale signs of autism. Over the last decade or so, thanks partly to retirement and also other factors such as that we are talking more about feelings, he seems to have developed some of the parts of communication that he used to struggle with.

By this I mean he is actually 'opening up' about things. Previously how he was feeling would spill or 'split' out and it would be negative and pretty much involuntary. With the opening up, it has been his active, personal choice to share things. Plus, the difficulties he's sharing is now being done with compassion and understanding for himself. This would be unheard of until the last decade for him.
   

One question though, as I have seen a couple of these types of thread recently about does it get worse.

I've noticed that the lockdown has presented an environment that seems to edge more autism symptoms to come out. It's certainly been the case with me, and I've observed slight nuances of it in friends.

So, the question is, do you feel that the lockdown period this year might be a factor in why you feel more robotic at the moment?

Or, is this a trend that had begun since significantly before 2020, say?

Welcome to the forum and thanks for an interesting question.

Thank you so much for replying, it's heartwarming (as much as it can be). I agree with your masking commentary. I feel like it's not so much how I'm noticed - though the lack of change in me will likely be startling against NTs development, so things like making a joke of everything... It feels more like I've reached my limit of how much load my brain can cope with given the demands of family work, relationship, and day to day modern life etc... 

Finding it tough and so far hobbies ant interests have all gone to allow space for those above, and relationship is difficult and mar not recover as I can't seem to find space for everything. It's tough!