High Functioning Problems

Hi Chris,

I’m 37 year old too, same position with partner and kid, same feeling. I’ve just learnt I probably have ASD (from psychiatrist, but no formal diagnosis from autism clinic available for another 2 years+ unfortunately). I found out because I was seeking help for severe depression. 

So, yes. I think it’s definitely burnout. It’s a tough place to find yourself after 30-odd years of feeling different. To suddenly find out about masking and to suddenly have a different perspective on your entire life. All of this is enough to deal with alone, but then to feel like you have to continue with normal life, looking after your children, working, doing housework, it’s just overload. 

I’m fortunate that I’d quit my job to look after our child full time and my husband is incredibly supportive and loving. He’s taken over things for a couple weeks for me to just sit alone in a room and heal. Is this something you could try? Maybe even if it’s just a couple hours to yourself a day? It has helped massively for me. I’m a really creative person and love (like most with ASD) fanatically learning about things in depth and will usually spend hours reading or learning. Lately though I’m struggling like you say to find something to get “lost” in. I once described to my counsellor it’s like when you phone runs out of memory and you can’t take any more photos. My mind feels literally at full capacity and it’s like I can’t take in anymore sensory or learnt information. And then my mind switches to numb “robot” mode. I become just apathetic and indifferent and this is my danger mode. Very difficult place to be when you are trying to look after a child. 

A lot of it for me is feeling a bit confused without diagnosis so hopefully this will pass as I read up a bit more on ASD. The other part might be what was mentioned in one of the replies about lockdown and being disconnected from NT’s. I used to go in to town just to be around people, not necessarily to talk. I would just take my little one to the library or to a coffee shop or the park. I could still feel alone in a way but with other people there. I could have an odd conversation with someone in a shop or something without the anxiety of the social expectations of friendship. So, there might be something to that too. 

Things that have helped for me:

Being more open and trying (it’s hard!) to share my honest feelings with my partner so we can adjust our schedules to allow for me to have time by myself.

Spending a little time outdoors 

Finding something new to do with my kid that’s fun for me too (whether it’s a game outside we can BOTH enjoy or just finding a little board game or drawing together)

Lots of time alone to “check out”. LOTS. Just time to sleep, stare at the wall, read this forum (there are some good accounts on IG to if you search #aspergers), draw, read, daydream

Having something to do with my partner that is non-verbal. We watch a show on tv together or some nights we just sit at the dining table across from each other but working in silence (I’ll be doing artwork and he’ll be doing work, etc) 

Hope this helps. I love the helpful posts on this community forum it’s been great to not feel so alone in all of this. 

Hi Chris,

I’m 37 year old too, same position with partner and kid, same feeling. I’ve just learnt I probably have ASD (from psychiatrist, but no formal diagnosis from autism clinic available for another 2 years+ unfortunately). I found out because I was seeking help for severe depression. 

So, yes. I think it’s definitely burnout. It’s a tough place to find yourself after 30-odd years of feeling different. To suddenly find out about masking and to suddenly have a different perspective on your entire life. All of this is enough to deal with alone, but then to feel like you have to continue with normal life, looking after your children, working, doing housework, it’s just overload. 

I’m fortunate that I’d quit my job to look after our child full time and my husband is incredibly supportive and loving. He’s taken over things for a couple weeks for me to just sit alone in a room and heal. Is this something you could try? Maybe even if it’s just a couple hours to yourself a day? It has helped massively for me. I’m a really creative person and love (like most with ASD) fanatically learning about things in depth and will usually spend hours reading or learning. Lately though I’m struggling like you say to find something to get “lost” in. I once described to my counsellor it’s like when you phone runs out of memory and you can’t take any more photos. My mind feels literally at full capacity and it’s like I can’t take in anymore sensory or learnt information. And then my mind switches to numb “robot” mode. I become just apathetic and indifferent and this is my danger mode. Very difficult place to be when you are trying to look after a child. 

A lot of it for me is feeling a bit confused without diagnosis so hopefully this will pass as I read up a bit more on ASD. The other part might be what was mentioned in one of the replies about lockdown and being disconnected from NT’s. I used to go in to town just to be around people, not necessarily to talk. I would just take my little one to the library or to a coffee shop or the park. I could still feel alone in a way but with other people there. I could have an odd conversation with someone in a shop or something without the anxiety of the social expectations of friendship. So, there might be something to that too. 

Things that have helped for me:

Being more open and trying (it’s hard!) to share my honest feelings with my partner so we can adjust our schedules to allow for me to have time by myself.

Spending a little time outdoors 

Finding something new to do with my kid that’s fun for me too (whether it’s a game outside we can BOTH enjoy or just finding a little board game or drawing together)

Lots of time alone to “check out”. LOTS. Just time to sleep, stare at the wall, read this forum (there are some good accounts on IG to if you search #aspergers), draw, read, daydream

Having something to do with my partner that is non-verbal. We watch a show on tv together or some nights we just sit at the dining table across from each other but working in silence (I’ll be doing artwork and he’ll be doing work, etc) 

Hope this helps. I love the helpful posts on this community forum it’s been great to not feel so alone in all of this. 

Wow, thanks so much for this honest reply creative. You've really eloquently described exactly my situation where there is no memory left in the computer. That point onwards is so tough. I have pitch perfect hearing (so can identify a musical note just from hearing it) but even this goes when the brain is spinning too many plates, it definitely feels like a wall where no more processing is possible. This is what's a bit different right now, like you described I can't find anything to hyperfocus on because I'm too overwhelmed. While I'm in this zone I'm just throwing out anything to try to make space but still struggling to snap out of being so robotic.

You make a good point about space, and perhaps as per replies earlier the lockdown is making things tough. It's been 4 months of at home working with partner and children in the house too. Unable to really go anywhere for any stretch of time too.

I'll try to organise some blocks of time to heal. As you say, this may be the therapeutic approach I need. All I dream of is sitting atop a desolate cliff watching the sea.

Very best,

Chris