Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am asking you adults with ASD or partners of ASD people because you are the most knowledgeable and experienced!!
I desperately need good book recommendations for how to thrive in a relationship with an ASD partner, specifically Aspergers. I am a neurotypical female and I’m struggling I’m my NT/AS marriage. My husband is loyal and lovely, kind and intelligent but we have a lot of problems. Please send me some book titles and authors that may have helped you!! Especially about partners with Aspergers. Thank you!
My partner has undiagnosed Aspergers, and I’m having a hard time being understanding loving and patient. I often feel criticized and like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, I never know when he will get upset with me for doing something that isn't within his routine and expectations. It makes me feel stuck and controlled. I want to be able to make compromises and have teamwork in our relationship - eg money choices, social life, weekly schedule. But instead I feel like I always do what he wants to avoid him getting moody and upset and withdrawing from me for hours at a time, usually until I agree to do things his way.
I greatly want to understand him and improve our relationship and communication. Cheers!
It's great that you're seeking advice and resources to navigate your relationship. Living with a partner who has ASD can indeed present unique challenges, and it's commendable that you're looking for ways to understand and support each other better. While I don't have specific book recommendations off the top of my head, you might find it helpful to check out the [link removed by moderator] feature, which can lead you to valuable insights from books on this topic. Remember, communication and empathy are key in any relationship, and seeking guidance from those who have faced similar situations can be a wonderful step forward.
I really admire your openness and willingness to learn more about how to improve your relationship with your ASD partner. Navigating such dynamics can indeed be challenging, but seeking knowledge and support is a great step forward.
'Asperger Syndrome: A Love Story' by Sarah Hendrickx and Keith Newton. Also by Sarah Hendricks, 'Love, Sex and Long-Term Relationships: What People With Asperger Syndrome Really Really Want'.
At least you have kids!! :)
As an autistic doctor with a kind and generous wife, I regret we never did much together or shared responsibilities and discussed our future plans more. I hadn’t realised how I had become so odd in my actions and greatly regret it.
i do like written structure and was involved in setting up the national appraisal scheme for doctors in England but was so focussed on the medical model I didn’t look at things like how to have fun , enjoyment, and my wife’s interests in wild flowers and moths. We are now retired and have no common interests apart from our children.
so I would suggest an agreed structured annual meeting together, to record future aims, hopes, financials, family welfare etc, from each of your perspectives and then have an agreed realistic path.
Hi Kar2016
It's great when NT people see the positive traits you have mentioned - loyal, lovely, kind, intelligent, and it's great that you want to understand him and not feel criticised.
However, a relationship is a two way thing, and everyone is different - AS or NT, so you are both going to have to learn to communicate better. Choose a time when he's not overwhelmed to open up a conversation about making compromises and tell him now certain things he does make you feel, ask him what things you do upset him, and explain that you want to be able to enjoy doing things together and avoid either of you getting upset unnecessarily.
I also recommend "A field guide to Earthlings" and hope you will be able to persuade him to read it too.
Field Guide To Earthlings - then you will see how different ASD really is. From his side.