Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am asking you adults with ASD or partners of ASD people because you are the most knowledgeable and experienced!!
I desperately need good book recommendations for how to thrive in a relationship with an ASD partner, specifically Aspergers. I am a neurotypical female and I’m struggling I’m my NT/AS marriage. My husband is loyal and lovely, kind and intelligent but we have a lot of problems. Please send me some book titles and authors that may have helped you!! Especially about partners with Aspergers. Thank you!
My partner has undiagnosed Aspergers, and I’m having a hard time being understanding loving and patient. I often feel criticized and like I’m walking on eggshells all the time, I never know when he will get upset with me for doing something that isn't within his routine and expectations. It makes me feel stuck and controlled. I want to be able to make compromises and have teamwork in our relationship - eg money choices, social life, weekly schedule. But instead I feel like I always do what he wants to avoid him getting moody and upset and withdrawing from me for hours at a time, usually until I agree to do things his way.
I greatly want to understand him and improve our relationship and communication. Cheers!
Hi Kar2016
It's great when NT people see the positive traits you have mentioned - loyal, lovely, kind, intelligent, and it's great that you want to understand him and not feel criticised.
However, a relationship is a two way thing, and everyone is different - AS or NT, so you are both going to have to learn to communicate better. Choose a time when he's not overwhelmed to open up a conversation about making compromises and tell him now certain things he does make you feel, ask him what things you do upset him, and explain that you want to be able to enjoy doing things together and avoid either of you getting upset unnecessarily.
I also recommend "A field guide to Earthlings" and hope you will be able to persuade him to read it too.