Advice on husband

I find it quite difficult as I feel like he’s often in a bad mood, and gets massively defensive over most things I say.  Just feels like a constant battle.  

Hi NAS65321

Yes my husband had lots of short term relationships before our marriage.  

We are late 30’s and I just want to find ways to improve our communication and how we deal with things so it doesn’t get worse, as I can’t live like this forever.

Hi Pixiefox 

Thank you so much for all of your advice, you really have helped me.  Yes my husband was abused physically

and emotionally as a child and he has also struggled with work place bullying.  I am also certain that his mother is autistic, and he recently told me that he needs reassurance because he never got it from her as a child.  He would constantly ask her for reassurance and she wouldn’t give it to him.  He is now exactly like that with me, and it is difficult because I do feel like his mother not wife sometimes.  

I am 100% going to do all of the pre planning things which you have suggested.  Obviously it is difficult to do at the moment with the Corona Virus You are spot on about the living arrangements, we kept arguing about where to live before getting married, as he didn’t want to live where my house is and wouldn’t move in with me as he felt he would be stuck there, and  I couldn’t sell my house because I would loose too much money, as my mortgage was more than house worth.  So because we couldn’t come to a decision I just hoped it would sort itself out.  So yes we are now having to sort these issues out after marriage etc.  

I managed to get the book, it has been a bit of a difficult read, finding it difficult to understand.  I definitely need to work on myself and not be such a people pleaser, yes I do just go along with things for a quite life, however as you mentioned it always come back to bite you before long.  When I have told my husband in the past that I just want to chill out on my own he just doesn’t get that, he just thinks I don’t want to spend time with him.  So I cancel time on my own to have a quiet life.

I totally get that he’s the same person, I just want to be able to find ways to help us work through the arguments.  That may now mean finding other ways to what we were originally seeking.  

Apart from the divorce/ threating his life I think you are describing a lot of what I went through. I lived on my own for about 10 years, had girlfriends but never more than weekends. I met my wife 15 years ago and it was a whirlwind, we brought a house and got married in 18 months. Through those 15 years every day has been a struggle. I have only reciently realised I am very probably autistic and am awaiting diagnosis. 

I find domestic life very difficult but am grimly hanging on because I am scared stiff of having to start life all over again at 50. I oftern find it very difficult to calmly say things to my wife and when I do say things she says the way I say it is hurtful, but I have no conception of that. That happens pretty much a couple of times a week. I oftern find explaing seemingly uncomplex things as simple as what I am going to do today, and we end up arguing. However we do argue but rarely fall out. My wife is crap with money and I have taken on significant debt to try and help. When whe screws up a little bit I do go off one one and it can last for hours because it never changes. Maybe your husband has a trigger that sets him off? When you are together just and be relaxed and let things go, think if they are workth arguing about? Try and not show emotion, I know I massivley struggle with that, he may have Alexythalmia too ( a lack of emotion and emotional awareness)

Councelling may not be the best thing if he is anything like me. I am a very private person and would be massivley on the offensive and masking like hell to keep my private stuff private. I have tonnes of stuff in my head that I have never discussed with anybody, let lone a stranger. 

I have no idea how old you both area but I can say from my point of view it has got worse since I hit 40, my 30's were ok . Just be aware of this. I really hope things work out for you both.

Rob

Hi, hopefully our responses have helped you in some way. I just wanted to pass on a few final thoughts:

With reference to the possibility of abuse, it is important to remember that autistic people are more likely to suffer abuse and bullying than NTs, and that this may have happened to your husband in the past and have influenced his behaviour. 

When dealing with a relationship that includes an autistic person, planning is extremely important. It appears that you did not plan where you were both going to live before you got married, or perhaps you each had a different plan, or you went along with his plan to keep the peace thinking you could change his mind later. You need to work out between you what you are going to do each day and when you are going to do it. Tell him any plans you have at least a day in advance - a calendar/planner on the wall can be a helpful reminder. If he complains about not spending quality time together, ask what he wants to do and suggest he writes it on the calendar so you know not to plan anything else for that day. 

Autism is still highly misunderstood, not only by NTs but also by Autistic people who may feel inferior because it is seen as a disorder, and like your husband want to keep it secret to try to prevent being judged by others. However a lot of NT people will sense there is something "different" about an Autistic person, even if they don't know what that difference is, and will think of them as weird, possibly rude, and not "one of us" due to the person not fitting into a "normal" group identity and patterns of behaviour. Your husband may feel that your brother in law is judging him in this way, so making it extremely uncomfortable for him to spend time with him. This is why I recommended "A field guide to Earthlings" - which is actually not a book specifically about Autism, it's a book which documents neurotypical development and behaviour. If you are NT it will explain the mental processing/sensory screening abilities and group identity behaviour that is missing or different in Autistic people, and if you are on the autism spectrum it will explain a lot!

Finally, try not to be such a "people pleaser", with everyone, not just your husband. I can relate to it as I used to be exactly the same, but it doesn't bring long term happiness. Do you always go along with what your family and friends want, when sometimes you would rather be doing something else, or maybe relaxing doing nothing at all  - we're human beings, not human doings :)

If you didn't know at first that your husband was autistic, that revelation is going to feel like a big change for both of you. But he is still the same person. Try to keep the relationship on an equal footing and work towards what makes you both happy, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

That is actually good advice Matt, I need to see if he is meeting me in the middle.  I think a lot of things so far he hasn’t because I’m a people pleaser and just give in.  I think that is also part of the problem.

It shouldn't be. While the media and certain support groups paint as unempathetic we aren't, we just empathise differently.

Myself and other autistics I know can come across as rude and uncaring because of how we tackle an issue. Say something happens that upsets you or causes you harm/mental anguish. My priority is not to manage your current emotional state, its to tackle the problem that's causing the emotional state because if that's fixed there's no longer something causing you to feel that way. A non-autistic would generally prioritise your emotional state and then tackle the issue causing it. In both instances we can see your pain, even if we don't understand it, and are trying to fix it, one just comes across as cold and uncaring and neither is communicated well because they are unwritten social norms.

That's the focus here, is he doing anything to meet you in the middle, address your concerns or change his ways? Being autistic may affect how and why he tries to accommodate your needs but it shouldn't affect the intention to do it.

It's not all on you and its not all about him.

• Hi Pixiefox and MattEvansC3 I have thought about the two things a lot and before he told me he was autistic I did think it was abuse.  It is a very fine line between the two and it is difficult to distinguish between them.

I understand autistic behaviour is often misinterpreted as bad behaviour, I've got almost forty years worth of experience in that regard ;-)

My comment wasn't suggesting the partner is faking being autistic (even though its a possibility) it's that autistic behaviour only goes so far and when discussing it we have to be careful we don't over extend those boundaries because we are just as capable of being abusive as non-autistics.

As an autistic person I have limited social circles but I've never sought to limit my NT wife's social circle. If anything I push her to have that social contact as it gives me a chance to have some ME time. I've yet to come across an autistic person where their trait is to limit someone else's social circle.

I've met people like the OP has described, I'm friends with people who's ex-partners are like the OP has described. None of those people described were autistic. I've even been harassed by people who would always finish their attack with " Following what you said/did I felt like taking my own life", you just swap out the autism for a mental health condition or other reason as an excuse for their behaviour. Its gaslighting because as soon as someone talks about self-harm they are garnering sympathy and making you out to be the bully.

Matt, you are right to be concerned as to whether the person posting this question is being subjected to abuse. Of course autism isn't an excuse to deliberately abuse others.

However, autistic behaviour can often be misinterpreted as "bad behaviour" i. e. something the Autistic person should be able to just stop if they want to, but it's extremely difficult when one is having a meltdown. Interestingly, when we were younger some of my husband's acquaintances thought I was controlling him, while some of my family thought he was controlling me. The real situation was that we were exactly equal in terms of power in our relationship, and although we didn't always agree we always worked it out.

One thing that anyone dealing with someone who claims they are autistic may have to consider is whether they are really autistic or are a sociopath who has convinced health professionals they are autistic because of their lack of empathy. Luckily it appears sociopaths are far more rare than Autistics, but they are extremely manipulative. The most noticeable difference is that sociopaths do not feel remorse, but Autistic people do, and may feel so bad about themselves they suffer deep depression. It's impossible to judge someone from an account about them on a forum, but the person closest to them should be able to make an informed judgement and decide if they want the relationship to continue. If not, there is of course support available if required. But hopefully this is not the case in this situation and this couple can resolve their issues and be happy.

I'm autistic and its very important to not  write off every negative aspect as being down to autism.

There's probably more here than what you've typed but if we took autism out of the picture this sounds very abusive. You are being asked to move out of your house into a property he controls, you are being asked to spend less time with your social circle and the threats of self-harm and an end to the marriage are common forms of emotional manipulation.

You can find more information here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

I'm sorry if I've overstepped but this doesn't sound like autistic or healthy behaviour.

Thank you so much Pixiefox, you have given me great advice x

This situation is not just about your husband, it's also about your needs and finding a way to meet those as well as the needs of your husband. You say you find it difficult to deal with the emotional stress of arguments and cry want to run away, and it takes you ages to recover. Snap. It's possible you are on the autism spectrum too - if you had told me I was autistic 20 years ago I'd have said that was ridiculous, but lots of women go undiagnosed - we're better than the guys at masking and some of our responses such as crying are often seen as just being "girl" behaviour.. If you're curious, Google "AQ 50 test" (it's a bonafide initial screening test created by a leading autism expert) and see what your result is.

From the information you have given, it seems your husband's equivalent of "running away" is to shield himself with anger and if that does not work to threaten suicide or divorce - possible ways out of the situation when he is in the depths of despair and can't see a way to make things better. This response may be due to innate personality, gender conditioning, male hormones, or a combination of all of them. When he criticizes you, it's likely due to him feeling bad about himself, but possibly not being aware of this himself.

I really do understand how you feel and empathise with your situation and it's really hard to say what will work, but if you want your marriage to continue all you can do is try to understand him, try to get him to be more forthcoming and explain more clearly how you feel and what you want. Don't pussyfoot around him trying to spare his feelings because he's autistic - that could make him feel like he's being patronised. Misunderstandings happen between all people, AS and NT. Sometimes we just think other people should know how we feel and get hurt because they don't respond how we expect them to, so working out a way to get communicating effectively without emotions overwhelming either of you is paramount. 

The book I mentioned is one way of understanding more about the differences between AS and NT minds, but there are many other useful books which could help your understanding of him and give you ideas of how to develop that essential communication. I bought my copy on Kindle, which you could do if it's still available in that format. If you think he wouldn't react well to it, you don't have to tell him you've bought it at first - perhaps once you've read it you'll be able to drop some things into conversation. And if you score as possibly Autistic on the AQ50 test you could tell him this and say you're researching about it. Or you could just say you want to understand him better and improve communication between you, as you don't always understand him and you want to make your relationship work and be happy together.

Good luck

Hey, I came here to see if I might be able to add to the conversation as an ASD male in what will soon (COVID-19 permitting) be a marriage.. I am immensely impressed by your understanding and ability to articulate aspects of autism with which I struggle but have, until now, been unable to recognise. Are you able to point me towards more info on the masking concept?

I honestly find reading though some of these posts very painful, so close to the bone. Been in denial and not taking my diagnosis seriously for a while now... 

Thanks

We are really bad at guessing what's in someone else's mind and if we've finished an argument, we often expect the other person to be on the same page - and it doesn't work like that so we're often poor at measuring the temperature of the relationship.    I'd suggest writing it all down for him so he can try to elaborate his model of you in his own mind without the argument raging.  

With things like the paperwork, I'd start with something along the lines of:    "I'm more than willing to fill the form in for you - however, I'm only human and I make mistakes - you have the option of doing it yourself, me doing it with your help or me doing it for you - but if I make any accidental errors, they're your problem for subbing out the job."       It would let him know that him blowing up after the fact is unacceptable - he either wants help or he doesn't.      

The additional problem is if he's already stressed up for whatever reason, say to 99%, then only a tiny thing will push him over 100% and that tiny thing gets the full blast of the other 99% frustration being vented in your direction - it's not fair on you but it's quite common - but it's not personal.

Unfortunately, most people will take it as personal and he may say some bad things while venting the other 99% stress.

I'm not excusing his behaviour, I'm just trying to give you pointers to what might be actually happening.     I suspect that you could boil all of your problems down to his inability to handle stress properly.     Depending on how well we mask and the environments we work in, we carry an awful lot of stress and often burn out in out 40s.     It's why I suggest having a calm chat with him about life and the universe to see what kind of life he really wants.     (for example, I'm a successful aspie engineer whose life got too complex and I became really ill - my plans of big detached house & BMW became unachievable so I've had to reset my sights somewhat lower - I just want to retire out to the peace & quiet of the countryside to have no stress.)

If he's trying hard to compete in the rat-race, he may be conning himself about his ability to cope so might need a reality check to re-evaluate his life and his behaviours.   

Hi Pixiefox 

Thanks so much for the advice, really helpful! 

That is fair enough about counselling, I just literally didn’t know what else to do to help us.  I find it difficult talking things through with him as he is usually always adamant on his way or the highway and I feel I don’t really get through to him.

Yes I agree about the housing situation, it has had a massive strain on our relationship.  Yes he definitely wants us to live together, he always keeps on about that.  He just wants me to move in with him and gif me to give up everything.  I did actually suggest us moving into a rented property together to start a fresh recently and he went quite first of all and wouldn’t even talk about it.  Then when I brought it up again he said that it’s difficult to move out of his because he could lose everything and he is in between jobs at moment so money is difficult.  The plan sounds good though, I’m just afraid he will just give me excuses again though.

If I mention I’m spending time with family or friends he usually says some of the following; he will be lonely, we never spend quality time together and you would rather spend it with them, I had things planned for us (but it turns out he didn’t), I can’t visit your family because I don’t get on with your brother in law.  I usually feel really guilty then and end up not going out. Same again when I’ve asked for alone time.  He tries to think of anything to convince me not too.  

I shall definitely order the book.  How would I tell him that I’m ordering it? As I don’t want him saying I’m blaming Aspergers again.  He doesn’t even know I’m on here.  

Yes he really really struggles to understand why I’m upset.  He just doesn’t understand why I take hours or days to get over things which have been said in an argument.  He always says I can’t move on and I always feel like I can’t move on fast enough for him.  How would I explain to him when certain things hurt or offend me? So that he doesn’t keep making the same mistakes.  

I just want him to not instantly get angry during a misunderstanding and not spend hours then bringing it up and going through it, as he likes to always bring up all of the bad things from the past.

Not threaten divorce or suicide when arguments get bad. He also tends to blame me for lots of things and then really focuses on that and brings up similar things from the past related to that.  For example, I recently helped him fill in an important form, however I marked one of the questions incorrectly.  He instantly starts blaming me saying that he can’t believe I messed up the form, when I only had to do one thing.  He then starts bringing up times in the past where I filled in forms incorrectly.  I just felt awful and started crying and it turned into a massive fight.  To me this could have been resolved really easily, he could have just said to me that I filled it in wrong, I say sorry which I did and just get another form to start again.  

Thank you David :-)

Difficulty in seeing other's point of view comes from having to figure things out ourselves - the hard way - and often, having decided the right way of doing things, we can't understand why people would want to do things another way - we are logical and sensible - and correct - so everyone else must be wrong.....

We also have difficulty judging the strength of feelings presented to us - we may accidentally choose the wrong word for the situation - there's often no offence meant - but it's too late - we said it - and we struggle with knowing what to do nest to fix things - especially if we can't work out why you're sooooooo upset.

Question for you - what do you want from him?    What bits of him do you like?

Have you tried e-mailing him some questions so he can think of a full answer before sending  it back to you?   It removes the pressure from heated conversations.

You would find it easier to explain in simple terms what you would like from him - in a professional tone of voice with no emotion - as if describing the instructions on a washing machine.     Directly you put any emotion into the conversation, it adds lots of layers of complexity that is unfathomable so the message will not get across to him.     If you get angry, he will just learn to avoid the situation.

As I mentioned in the masking bit, we get gradually overloaded with life - the first you see of it is us becoming distant or snappy - it's basically the pressure of the day and dealing with liars takes a lot of unpacking and de-fragging when we get to our safe-space.   While we are processing the day, we are highly stressed so it takes time before we are receptive to hard conversations.

I'd guess he's really highly stressed coping with his life and has reached the limits of his mask..

If you want to be able to cut through his stress, take him to something he likes - a plane museum etc. so he can concentrate on something he likes, knows and causes him to relax.   (obviously tricky right now with Covid)    You might then to be able to cut through all of his stress and defences to talk directly with the low-stress version of him so he can be open and honest with you - again no emotion thrown in the mix - just chat and ask him to have a think - if you pressure him for any immediate answers, he's likely to throw out a flippant conversation blocking answer or the surprise question might trigger an anger response.

Try to find out what he wants from his life.