Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My husband told me he was tested as a child and has Aspergers, he has never had any support or anything at all, and has never told anyone part from me now.
When he told me a lot of things fell into place for me. We have been struggling with arguments, angry outbursts, miscommunication and when arguments have escalated he has threatened our marriage and his life.
He will not move out of his rented one bedroom flat, even though I own a house. He wants me to sell my house and move into his flat, until we can find a suitable place together. I usually spend most of my time at his so my house is left empty. He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely.
We had another massive argument which escalated quite badly a few weeks back so I left his flat and moved back to my house, I literally just don’t know what else to do, I just know that I can’t live like this. I told him that we need counselling and he now thinks I’m blaming him and Aspergers.
I would be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on how to save my marriage?
I'm autistic and its very important to not write off every negative aspect as being down to autism.
There's probably more here than what you've typed but if we took autism out of the picture this sounds very abusive. You are being asked to move out of your house into a property he controls, you are being asked to spend less time with your social circle and the threats of self-harm and an end to the marriage are common forms of emotional manipulation.
You can find more information here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
I'm sorry if I've overstepped but this doesn't sound like autistic or healthy behaviour.
Matt, you are right to be concerned as to whether the person posting this question is being subjected to abuse. Of course autism isn't an excuse to deliberately abuse others.
However, autistic behaviour can often be misinterpreted as "bad behaviour" i. e. something the Autistic person should be able to just stop if they want to, but it's extremely difficult when one is having a meltdown. Interestingly, when we were younger some of my husband's acquaintances thought I was controlling him, while some of my family thought he was controlling me. The real situation was that we were exactly equal in terms of power in our relationship, and although we didn't always agree we always worked it out.
One thing that anyone dealing with someone who claims they are autistic may have to consider is whether they are really autistic or are a sociopath who has convinced health professionals they are autistic because of their lack of empathy. Luckily it appears sociopaths are far more rare than Autistics, but they are extremely manipulative. The most noticeable difference is that sociopaths do not feel remorse, but Autistic people do, and may feel so bad about themselves they suffer deep depression. It's impossible to judge someone from an account about them on a forum, but the person closest to them should be able to make an informed judgement and decide if they want the relationship to continue. If not, there is of course support available if required. But hopefully this is not the case in this situation and this couple can resolve their issues and be happy.
Hi Pixiefox
Thank you so much for all of your advice, you really have helped me. Yes my husband was abused physically
and emotionally as a child and he has also struggled with work place bullying. I am also certain that his mother is autistic, and he recently told me that he needs reassurance because he never got it from her as a child. He would constantly ask her for reassurance and she wouldn’t give it to him. He is now exactly like that with me, and it is difficult because I do feel like his mother not wife sometimes.
I am 100% going to do all of the pre planning things which you have suggested. Obviously it is difficult to do at the moment with the Corona Virus You are spot on about the living arrangements, we kept arguing about where to live before getting married, as he didn’t want to live where my house is and wouldn’t move in with me as he felt he would be stuck there, and I couldn’t sell my house because I would loose too much money, as my mortgage was more than house worth. So because we couldn’t come to a decision I just hoped it would sort itself out. So yes we are now having to sort these issues out after marriage etc.
I managed to get the book, it has been a bit of a difficult read, finding it difficult to understand. I definitely need to work on myself and not be such a people pleaser, yes I do just go along with things for a quite life, however as you mentioned it always come back to bite you before long. When I have told my husband in the past that I just want to chill out on my own he just doesn’t get that, he just thinks I don’t want to spend time with him. So I cancel time on my own to have a quiet life.
I totally get that he’s the same person, I just want to be able to find ways to help us work through the arguments. That may now mean finding other ways to what we were originally seeking.