Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My husband told me he was tested as a child and has Aspergers, he has never had any support or anything at all, and has never told anyone part from me now.
When he told me a lot of things fell into place for me. We have been struggling with arguments, angry outbursts, miscommunication and when arguments have escalated he has threatened our marriage and his life.
He will not move out of his rented one bedroom flat, even though I own a house. He wants me to sell my house and move into his flat, until we can find a suitable place together. I usually spend most of my time at his so my house is left empty. He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely.
We had another massive argument which escalated quite badly a few weeks back so I left his flat and moved back to my house, I literally just don’t know what else to do, I just know that I can’t live like this. I told him that we need counselling and he now thinks I’m blaming him and Aspergers.
I would be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on how to save my marriage?
Hi, I'm an Aspie female married to an Aspie male, so I'll put forward my ideas.
Aspies are often very private people who can find it difficult to trust or relate to strangers, so I wouldn't try to get him to go to counselling. It will put him under extreme pressure. You need to find a way to talk things through together without a third person sitting there, who he may feel is judging him.
I feel that one big problem you need to resolve is the living arrangement. Some Autistic people prefer to live separately from their partner, but he seems to want you to live together and for you to sell your house. That may be because he feels more secure and in control in his flat, and he may think your reluctance to sell your house means you're not fully committed to the relationship and you might leave him permanently. Often when two people marry who have had different homes it's good for them to make a fresh start in a new shared home, and although it would be difficult to do for a while, perhaps just giving that commitment to each other that you will sell your house and he will agree to move out of his current flat into a shared home with you will help. Make a plan of what you will do and when you will do it, so you are both prepared for the changes. I'd recommend a 2 bed home if affordable which will give you both more space.
You say "He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely" He is being honest here - it may seem odd to some people , but it's because he really loves you and misses you when you're not around. Bear that in mind when gently negotiating this with him. Explain that it makes you happy to see these people, and that you want to work out a solution that will make you both happier about it. This may mean he goes to visit family with you, or sees his own friend(s) when you see yours, or starts a new hobby to occupy him while you're out.
The important things are: 1. To arrange a time to discuss these things when you are both calm and have plenty of time. 2. To plan what you will say to him, try to keep to those points and try not to make anything sound judgemental 3. To be flexible and encourage him to say what he thinks and how he feels, and 4. To reassure him of how much you love him.
Finally, I recommend you both read a book called "A field guide to Earthlings" by Ian Ford, which is a guide to neurotypical (non autistic) behaviour from the perspective of an Aspie. It should help you both understand the differences between autistic and neurotypical minds, and so may help you understand each other better.
I've had a caring, passionate, sometimes quite difficult but overall pretty great marriage for over 40 years. It's been the best thing in my life, and I wish you both the very best for yours.
Hi Pixiefox
Thanks so much for the advice, really helpful!
That is fair enough about counselling, I just literally didn’t know what else to do to help us. I find it difficult talking things through with him as he is usually always adamant on his way or the highway and I feel I don’t really get through to him.
Yes I agree about the housing situation, it has had a massive strain on our relationship. Yes he definitely wants us to live together, he always keeps on about that. He just wants me to move in with him and gif me to give up everything. I did actually suggest us moving into a rented property together to start a fresh recently and he went quite first of all and wouldn’t even talk about it. Then when I brought it up again he said that it’s difficult to move out of his because he could lose everything and he is in between jobs at moment so money is difficult. The plan sounds good though, I’m just afraid he will just give me excuses again though.
If I mention I’m spending time with family or friends he usually says some of the following; he will be lonely, we never spend quality time together and you would rather spend it with them, I had things planned for us (but it turns out he didn’t), I can’t visit your family because I don’t get on with your brother in law. I usually feel really guilty then and end up not going out. Same again when I’ve asked for alone time. He tries to think of anything to convince me not too.
I shall definitely order the book. How would I tell him that I’m ordering it? As I don’t want him saying I’m blaming Aspergers again. He doesn’t even know I’m on here.
Thank you so much Pixiefox, you have given me great advice x
This situation is not just about your husband, it's also about your needs and finding a way to meet those as well as the needs of your husband. You say you find it difficult to deal with the emotional stress of arguments and cry want to run away, and it takes you ages to recover. Snap. It's possible you are on the autism spectrum too - if you had told me I was autistic 20 years ago I'd have said that was ridiculous, but lots of women go undiagnosed - we're better than the guys at masking and some of our responses such as crying are often seen as just being "girl" behaviour.. If you're curious, Google "AQ 50 test" (it's a bonafide initial screening test created by a leading autism expert) and see what your result is.
From the information you have given, it seems your husband's equivalent of "running away" is to shield himself with anger and if that does not work to threaten suicide or divorce - possible ways out of the situation when he is in the depths of despair and can't see a way to make things better. This response may be due to innate personality, gender conditioning, male hormones, or a combination of all of them. When he criticizes you, it's likely due to him feeling bad about himself, but possibly not being aware of this himself.
I really do understand how you feel and empathise with your situation and it's really hard to say what will work, but if you want your marriage to continue all you can do is try to understand him, try to get him to be more forthcoming and explain more clearly how you feel and what you want. Don't pussyfoot around him trying to spare his feelings because he's autistic - that could make him feel like he's being patronised. Misunderstandings happen between all people, AS and NT. Sometimes we just think other people should know how we feel and get hurt because they don't respond how we expect them to, so working out a way to get communicating effectively without emotions overwhelming either of you is paramount.
The book I mentioned is one way of understanding more about the differences between AS and NT minds, but there are many other useful books which could help your understanding of him and give you ideas of how to develop that essential communication. I bought my copy on Kindle, which you could do if it's still available in that format. If you think he wouldn't react well to it, you don't have to tell him you've bought it at first - perhaps once you've read it you'll be able to drop some things into conversation. And if you score as possibly Autistic on the AQ50 test you could tell him this and say you're researching about it. Or you could just say you want to understand him better and improve communication between you, as you don't always understand him and you want to make your relationship work and be happy together.
Good luck