Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My husband told me he was tested as a child and has Aspergers, he has never had any support or anything at all, and has never told anyone part from me now.
When he told me a lot of things fell into place for me. We have been struggling with arguments, angry outbursts, miscommunication and when arguments have escalated he has threatened our marriage and his life.
He will not move out of his rented one bedroom flat, even though I own a house. He wants me to sell my house and move into his flat, until we can find a suitable place together. I usually spend most of my time at his so my house is left empty. He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely.
We had another massive argument which escalated quite badly a few weeks back so I left his flat and moved back to my house, I literally just don’t know what else to do, I just know that I can’t live like this. I told him that we need counselling and he now thinks I’m blaming him and Aspergers.
I would be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on how to save my marriage?
Apart from the divorce/ threating his life I think you are describing a lot of what I went through. I lived on my own for about 10 years, had girlfriends but never more than weekends. I met my wife 15 years ago and it was a whirlwind, we brought a house and got married in 18 months. Through those 15 years every day has been a struggle. I have only reciently realised I am very probably autistic and am awaiting diagnosis.
I find domestic life very difficult but am grimly hanging on because I am scared stiff of having to start life all over again at 50. I oftern find it very difficult to calmly say things to my wife and when I do say things she says the way I say it is hurtful, but I have no conception of that. That happens pretty much a couple of times a week. I oftern find explaing seemingly uncomplex things as simple as what I am going to do today, and we end up arguing. However we do argue but rarely fall out. My wife is crap with money and I have taken on significant debt to try and help. When whe screws up a little bit I do go off one one and it can last for hours because it never changes. Maybe your husband has a trigger that sets him off? When you are together just and be relaxed and let things go, think if they are workth arguing about? Try and not show emotion, I know I massivley struggle with that, he may have Alexythalmia too ( a lack of emotion and emotional awareness)
Councelling may not be the best thing if he is anything like me. I am a very private person and would be massivley on the offensive and masking like hell to keep my private stuff private. I have tonnes of stuff in my head that I have never discussed with anybody, let lone a stranger.
I have no idea how old you both area but I can say from my point of view it has got worse since I hit 40, my 30's were ok . Just be aware of this. I really hope things work out for you both.
Rob
Hi NAS65321
Yes my husband had lots of short term relationships before our marriage.
We are late 30’s and I just want to find ways to improve our communication and how we deal with things so it doesn’t get worse, as I can’t live like this forever.