Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My husband told me he was tested as a child and has Aspergers, he has never had any support or anything at all, and has never told anyone part from me now.
When he told me a lot of things fell into place for me. We have been struggling with arguments, angry outbursts, miscommunication and when arguments have escalated he has threatened our marriage and his life.
He will not move out of his rented one bedroom flat, even though I own a house. He wants me to sell my house and move into his flat, until we can find a suitable place together. I usually spend most of my time at his so my house is left empty. He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely.
We had another massive argument which escalated quite badly a few weeks back so I left his flat and moved back to my house, I literally just don’t know what else to do, I just know that I can’t live like this. I told him that we need counselling and he now thinks I’m blaming him and Aspergers.
I would be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on how to save my marriage?
I'm autistic and its very important to not write off every negative aspect as being down to autism.
There's probably more here than what you've typed but if we took autism out of the picture this sounds very abusive. You are being asked to move out of your house into a property he controls, you are being asked to spend less time with your social circle and the threats of self-harm and an end to the marriage are common forms of emotional manipulation.
You can find more information here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
I'm sorry if I've overstepped but this doesn't sound like autistic or healthy behaviour.
Matt, you are right to be concerned as to whether the person posting this question is being subjected to abuse. Of course autism isn't an excuse to deliberately abuse others.
However, autistic behaviour can often be misinterpreted as "bad behaviour" i. e. something the Autistic person should be able to just stop if they want to, but it's extremely difficult when one is having a meltdown. Interestingly, when we were younger some of my husband's acquaintances thought I was controlling him, while some of my family thought he was controlling me. The real situation was that we were exactly equal in terms of power in our relationship, and although we didn't always agree we always worked it out.
One thing that anyone dealing with someone who claims they are autistic may have to consider is whether they are really autistic or are a sociopath who has convinced health professionals they are autistic because of their lack of empathy. Luckily it appears sociopaths are far more rare than Autistics, but they are extremely manipulative. The most noticeable difference is that sociopaths do not feel remorse, but Autistic people do, and may feel so bad about themselves they suffer deep depression. It's impossible to judge someone from an account about them on a forum, but the person closest to them should be able to make an informed judgement and decide if they want the relationship to continue. If not, there is of course support available if required. But hopefully this is not the case in this situation and this couple can resolve their issues and be happy.
I understand autistic behaviour is often misinterpreted as bad behaviour, I've got almost forty years worth of experience in that regard ;-)
My comment wasn't suggesting the partner is faking being autistic (even though its a possibility) it's that autistic behaviour only goes so far and when discussing it we have to be careful we don't over extend those boundaries because we are just as capable of being abusive as non-autistics.
As an autistic person I have limited social circles but I've never sought to limit my NT wife's social circle. If anything I push her to have that social contact as it gives me a chance to have some ME time. I've yet to come across an autistic person where their trait is to limit someone else's social circle.
I've met people like the OP has described, I'm friends with people who's ex-partners are like the OP has described. None of those people described were autistic. I've even been harassed by people who would always finish their attack with " Following what you said/did I felt like taking my own life", you just swap out the autism for a mental health condition or other reason as an excuse for their behaviour. Its gaslighting because as soon as someone talks about self-harm they are garnering sympathy and making you out to be the bully.