Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi
My husband told me he was tested as a child and has Aspergers, he has never had any support or anything at all, and has never told anyone part from me now.
When he told me a lot of things fell into place for me. We have been struggling with arguments, angry outbursts, miscommunication and when arguments have escalated he has threatened our marriage and his life.
He will not move out of his rented one bedroom flat, even though I own a house. He wants me to sell my house and move into his flat, until we can find a suitable place together. I usually spend most of my time at his so my house is left empty. He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends. He says he feels lonely.
We had another massive argument which escalated quite badly a few weeks back so I left his flat and moved back to my house, I literally just don’t know what else to do, I just know that I can’t live like this. I told him that we need counselling and he now thinks I’m blaming him and Aspergers.
I would be very grateful if anyone could give me advice on how to save my marriage?
I'm autistic and its very important to not write off every negative aspect as being down to autism.
There's probably more here than what you've typed but if we took autism out of the picture this sounds very abusive. You are being asked to move out of your house into a property he controls, you are being asked to spend less time with your social circle and the threats of self-harm and an end to the marriage are common forms of emotional manipulation.
You can find more information here https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/
I'm sorry if I've overstepped but this doesn't sound like autistic or healthy behaviour.
Matt, you are right to be concerned as to whether the person posting this question is being subjected to abuse. Of course autism isn't an excuse to deliberately abuse others.
However, autistic behaviour can often be misinterpreted as "bad behaviour" i. e. something the Autistic person should be able to just stop if they want to, but it's extremely difficult when one is having a meltdown. Interestingly, when we were younger some of my husband's acquaintances thought I was controlling him, while some of my family thought he was controlling me. The real situation was that we were exactly equal in terms of power in our relationship, and although we didn't always agree we always worked it out.
One thing that anyone dealing with someone who claims they are autistic may have to consider is whether they are really autistic or are a sociopath who has convinced health professionals they are autistic because of their lack of empathy. Luckily it appears sociopaths are far more rare than Autistics, but they are extremely manipulative. The most noticeable difference is that sociopaths do not feel remorse, but Autistic people do, and may feel so bad about themselves they suffer deep depression. It's impossible to judge someone from an account about them on a forum, but the person closest to them should be able to make an informed judgement and decide if they want the relationship to continue. If not, there is of course support available if required. But hopefully this is not the case in this situation and this couple can resolve their issues and be happy.
Hi Pixiefox
Thank you so much for all of your advice, you really have helped me. Yes my husband was abused physically
and emotionally as a child and he has also struggled with work place bullying. I am also certain that his mother is autistic, and he recently told me that he needs reassurance because he never got it from her as a child. He would constantly ask her for reassurance and she wouldn’t give it to him. He is now exactly like that with me, and it is difficult because I do feel like his mother not wife sometimes.
I am 100% going to do all of the pre planning things which you have suggested. Obviously it is difficult to do at the moment with the Corona Virus You are spot on about the living arrangements, we kept arguing about where to live before getting married, as he didn’t want to live where my house is and wouldn’t move in with me as he felt he would be stuck there, and I couldn’t sell my house because I would loose too much money, as my mortgage was more than house worth. So because we couldn’t come to a decision I just hoped it would sort itself out. So yes we are now having to sort these issues out after marriage etc.
I managed to get the book, it has been a bit of a difficult read, finding it difficult to understand. I definitely need to work on myself and not be such a people pleaser, yes I do just go along with things for a quite life, however as you mentioned it always come back to bite you before long. When I have told my husband in the past that I just want to chill out on my own he just doesn’t get that, he just thinks I don’t want to spend time with him. So I cancel time on my own to have a quiet life.
I totally get that he’s the same person, I just want to be able to find ways to help us work through the arguments. That may now mean finding other ways to what we were originally seeking.
Hi, hopefully our responses have helped you in some way. I just wanted to pass on a few final thoughts:
With reference to the possibility of abuse, it is important to remember that autistic people are more likely to suffer abuse and bullying than NTs, and that this may have happened to your husband in the past and have influenced his behaviour.
When dealing with a relationship that includes an autistic person, planning is extremely important. It appears that you did not plan where you were both going to live before you got married, or perhaps you each had a different plan, or you went along with his plan to keep the peace thinking you could change his mind later. You need to work out between you what you are going to do each day and when you are going to do it. Tell him any plans you have at least a day in advance - a calendar/planner on the wall can be a helpful reminder. If he complains about not spending quality time together, ask what he wants to do and suggest he writes it on the calendar so you know not to plan anything else for that day.
Autism is still highly misunderstood, not only by NTs but also by Autistic people who may feel inferior because it is seen as a disorder, and like your husband want to keep it secret to try to prevent being judged by others. However a lot of NT people will sense there is something "different" about an Autistic person, even if they don't know what that difference is, and will think of them as weird, possibly rude, and not "one of us" due to the person not fitting into a "normal" group identity and patterns of behaviour. Your husband may feel that your brother in law is judging him in this way, so making it extremely uncomfortable for him to spend time with him. This is why I recommended "A field guide to Earthlings" - which is actually not a book specifically about Autism, it's a book which documents neurotypical development and behaviour. If you are NT it will explain the mental processing/sensory screening abilities and group identity behaviour that is missing or different in Autistic people, and if you are on the autism spectrum it will explain a lot!
Finally, try not to be such a "people pleaser", with everyone, not just your husband. I can relate to it as I used to be exactly the same, but it doesn't bring long term happiness. Do you always go along with what your family and friends want, when sometimes you would rather be doing something else, or maybe relaxing doing nothing at all - we're human beings, not human doings :)
If you didn't know at first that your husband was autistic, that revelation is going to feel like a big change for both of you. But he is still the same person. Try to keep the relationship on an equal footing and work towards what makes you both happy, regardless of what anyone else thinks.
That is actually good advice Matt, I need to see if he is meeting me in the middle. I think a lot of things so far he hasn’t because I’m a people pleaser and just give in. I think that is also part of the problem.