Advice on husband

We started doing an online course to help with communication, this was before he told me.  He really struggles to following the steps, which involves understanding each others points of view, and realising how things/ words may hurt me.  

Hi, I'm an Aspie female married to an Aspie male, so I'll put forward my ideas.

Aspies are often very private people who can find it difficult to trust or relate to strangers, so I wouldn't try to get him to go to counselling. It will put him under extreme pressure. You need to find a way to talk things through together without a third person sitting there, who he may feel is judging him.

I feel that one big problem you need to resolve is the living arrangement. Some Autistic people prefer to live separately from their partner, but he seems to want you to live  together and for you to sell your house. That may be because he feels more secure and in control in his flat, and he may think your reluctance to sell your house means you're not fully committed to the relationship and you might leave him permanently. Often when two people marry who have had different homes it's good for them to make a fresh start in a new shared home, and although it would be difficult to do for a while, perhaps just giving that commitment to each other that you will sell your house and he will agree to move out of his current flat into a shared home with you will help. Make a plan of what you will do and when you will do it, so you are both prepared for the changes. I'd recommend a 2 bed home if affordable which will give you both more space.

You say "He makes me feel guilty about spending time apart from him, with family and friends.   He says he feels lonely" He is being honest here - it may seem odd to some people , but it's because he really loves you and misses you when you're not around. Bear that in mind when gently negotiating this with him. Explain that it makes you happy to see these people, and that you want to work out a solution that will make you both happier about it. This may mean he goes to visit family with you, or sees his own friend(s) when you see yours, or starts a new hobby to occupy him while you're out.

The important things are: 1. To arrange a time to discuss these things when you are both calm and have plenty of time. 2. To plan what you will say to him, try to keep to those points and try not to make anything sound judgemental 3. To be flexible and encourage him to say what he thinks and how he feels, and 4. To reassure him of how much you love him. 

Finally, I recommend you both read a book called "A field guide to Earthlings" by Ian Ford, which is a guide to neurotypical (non autistic) behaviour from the perspective of an Aspie. It should help you both understand the differences between autistic and neurotypical minds, and so may help you understand each other better.

I've had a caring, passionate, sometimes quite difficult but overall pretty great marriage for over 40 years. It's been the best thing in my life, and I wish you both the very best for yours.

You are pretty much describing him to a tee. He always says I’m attacking him and usually our misunderstandings end up making him frustrated and angry.  I’m the complete opposite and hate it when he gets angry and just want to run away.  He sees that then as me walking away from the issue.  

With the people he has defriended he has said that they have been mean to him and attacked him.  He has even fallen out with some of my family and friends, which has been difficult for me.  

I don’t think he is very self aware at all, he said he’s searched the internet to find out about Aspergers but he won’t really talk to me about it even.  Plus he has no Aspie friends.  

I really feel your pain. I hope you get through it and out the other side :-) 

You're welcome - more about counselling - we are poor at judging immediate situations and women are usually much better than men with conversional skills - so we will often feel as though we're under attack and unable to fight our corner - the output can be unpredictable - from anger outbursts to total silence and disconnection.

Also - We build little internal models of the people we interact with so we can predict what they will do and we can plan our conversations - but if those people don't react how we expect, we are thrown - in if this happens too much, we become unable to interact with them.      If they lie often - even to save feelings - we lose trust and often stop interacting at all - it's the 'safe' option.

Football tends to be very 'normal' - his friends are probably NTs - he'll have more reliable acquaintances at somewhere more aspie - like a model club or in museums.

How self-aware of his Asperger's is he?     If he has no support or other Aspie friends, he'll be all alone in his mind trying to figure out an increasingly complex world - without any external learning, he'll remain the same - getting more frustrated as life generally gets more complex as we get older.

Hi Plastic 

Thank you for the informative response.  

I think I have started to act as his mother and it is taking over my life.  That’s why I have got to this point.  

No I am not aware of masking, I shall read into it.  

He has made a couple of friends through football, however has managed to loose quite a few of them recently as he has fallen out with them.  

If he's lived on his own for years with the ability to control his environment in his own flat, he really won't want to let go.       You are a departure to his known stability so it will take a lot for him to trust - especially as we're often diagnosed because we stick out from the group - and kids a nasty at school so trusting is incredibly difficult for us - you may find him subconsciously testing you to establish your limits and 'truth' level.

You cannot let yourself become his mother and let him rule your life.     

I wouldn't sell your house - maybe think about renting it out if you're moving in together but hold on to your asset.

I would only suggest counselling if you can find someone who understands Asperger's - we don't react as expected.     

BTW - are you familiar with masking?      As we grow, we realise we don't fit so we create a fake persona that gets us past all the social interactions that we're forced to endure.   Everyone's is different - some more sophisticated than others - it works great while we are encountering normal, known events.      When we are in unknown territory, we are stuffed - we have no internal guide to know what to do so we improvise - and that when we look really stupid - and we can feel it - so as a diversion, we often appear angry or frustrated - we don't mean to - we just have no clue what to do.       This is most embarrassing in close relationships where we can't hide from our partner.      

Our mask works well for many years until life gets too complicated - but our inability to easily modify the mask makes relationships difficult - you need to understand what going on and how he's adapting his mask for you.

If he's hiding away from you in his flat, it might be because he's having difficulty adapting and he's getting physically exhausted by the effort - it's amazingly tiring to play the social game - especially if the person is knowingly poor at it.

To get over his lonely feelings, help him get involved in a hobby he likes (we usually secretly like childish things like Lego or models or planes & cars) so it can be a way of meeting others over a common interest.      We hide these desires because we get bullied for being childish.

Try having a chat with him about how he feels about life - what he'd REALLY like to do.

Hi Anthony 

Thanks for your reply.  Yes I totally agree with you about the safe space.  I’m just struggling at moment as I don’t feel secure at all in marriage so don’t want to give anything up when I could be left with nothing.  

What I would say is that your husbands flat is clearly a ‘safe space’ for him, we are creatures of comfort and familiarity in routines and surroundings are important. So it will probably require you to do more adapting than can realistically be expected from him. Realistically the only thing you can try to do is try to better understand the traits specific to him and seek to work with rather than against them, but compatibility issues may not be exclusively the traits, so it could be tricky :-/