Published on 12, July, 2020
Am I the only one who occasionally gets overwhelmed by my own weirdness? I usually manage to bumble along, happy in my own little world. But tonight, I’ve run two lots of Beaver Scouts single handedly and did it well. I just feel very over conscious of how terrible my social skills are when I’m talking with the parents. I don’t respond ‘normally’ to what they say, I don’t pick up on social cues and I avoid eye contact. I’m just convinced that the parents all find me very odd!
Don't worry - I get overwhelmed by my weirdness too :) I often walk away from a situation and think, why did I say that?
In my opinion, if you're taking care of the kids and giving them valuable life experience, it doesn't matter if the parents don't really get you. Their behaviours probably don't make much sense to you either :)
Most of the time I’m oblivious enough to not really care too much what others may or may not think of me. I think I’ve been burning the candle at both ends a bit recently which has probably made me a bit extra sensitive. I’m also slightly less able to mask when I’m over tired and sadly I do need to mask in certain situations.
One of the mum’s in particular, I asked her how she was, just being polite and then I looked away and I could see her watching me waiting for me to look at her again before she would continue the conversation. I had to be polite and look back but I just really wasn’t in the mood for doing even modulated eye contact, it was just uncomfortable. I know most people expect eye contact during conversation but sometimes I’d really rather not!
Kitsune said:One of the mum’s in particular, I asked her how she was, just being polite and then I looked away and I could see her watching me waiting for me to look at her again before she would continue the conversation. I had to be polite and look back but I just really wasn’t in the mood for doing even modulated eye contact, it was just uncomfortable. I know most people expect eye contact during conversation but sometimes I’d really rather not!
Personally with the eye-contact thing ~ I got into doing a meditation technique years back where I keep my center of attention focused in the center of my chest, visualising a golden orb or platonic solids, and I just use my peripheral vision and frame people's heads roughly in the center of my vision ~ and nobody notices and most people think as such that I have good eye-contact.
Other recommended techniques that I have tried is looking at the bridge of the nose or the eyebrows ~ but the eyebrows one got problematic, as I started getting caught up with how long to look at each one and which one to start with and all that, plus it got noticed a few times unlike the peripheral vision one. The bridge of the nose one was a bit tricky like the eyebrows only with the eyes, but different strokes for different folks and all that.
Kitsune said:No worries!I'm glad you've developed a technique that works for you!
No worries!
I'm glad you've developed a technique that works for you!
Finding out that I had Asperger's Syndrome was the thing that really made the difference for me, as the diagnosis pulled everything into place and gave a directional framework that works in terms of self identification and affirmation. I felt self conscious not knowing I was on the spectrum, and knowing what I am working with has made all the difference in terms knowing what can be mediated and much more refined glitch wise. The diagnosis was SO self empowering as it rendered all my self improvements as being coefficient rather than much more frustrating hit and miss sessions in the dark!
Kitsune said:When I spoke of using the law of energy constant to manage behavioural perseveration. I meant that I figured, as energy must stay constant but can change forms, that via a few 'form' changes in between, it is possible to convert electrical energy in the brain to heat energy through exercise which is then released into the atmosphere and away from me!
I have been working the inner flow of energy whilst you have been doing the outer flow, although in my case the more I exerted myself in terms of exercise the more the inner flow powered the outer flow with seizures!!!
Kitsune said:I think that the comparison with Escher's work gave me the best idea of what you experience inside your head with regards to your different selves. That seems very disorientating! How do you cope with it?
Well firstly I am chest centered or positioned, rather than head centered, and in terms of dealing with the pathways to the external world through my body ~ it is like driving places and finding road works cutting off the direct route, so it is just a case of going the indirect route or waiting until the direct route or routes becomes available again, which sometimes they do not and things don't get done or recalled for ages.
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In terms of how I cope it is just how it has been all the years of my life bar three, but silent mindful meditation with deep, gentle pelvic breathing has seriously helped, as has too this last year or so taking CBD oil ~ as it almost completely softens out the harshness of most of my seizures. So with the CBD oil I am more calmly bewildered than traumatically fragged, which is a definite bonus even when I do get traumatic frag sessions still.
Kitsune said:It seems that you have a very surreal internal state of reality! I'm intrigued! I like to know how other people experience various mental states in their heads, I'm a firm believer that asking a person about their own subjective experience of a situation will give far better insight into the workings of their mind than any textbook ever will!
Well every time I had a seizure I felt my focus of attention follow my eyes as they rolled back and followed the tunnel of light into the center of my chest as surrounded by the geometric forms of my seven embodiments, and either whited out, coloured in or blacked out. Sometimes I would stay in one embodiment, go through the lot at different rates and intensities, or else go out of body.
If I had not of had my seizure fests I might of been like most people who as if get stuck visually hanging out of their eyes and think they lodge in their head, although I have met others who are chest centered and do not have seizures but are invariably neurologically divergent or aspergenic, or else they have had a near death session too.
Kitsune said:I'm sorry to hear that you had a near death experience when you were 3, what happened?
I woke the parents up wanting a drink. I had a very high temperature, was sweating profusely and then vomited and collapsed. That is the last bit I recall physically. Got carted into hospital and abreacted to the medication and hence the near death session, and came round from the coma a few days later.
Going into the light through the kaliedoscope of colourful geometries was and always has been astoundingly beautiful, and immensely comforting, but the hangover and hangovers afterwards have invariably been devastatingly uncomfortable ~ involving nerves on fire with pins and needles peripherally and centrally, with a body wide bones, organs, muscles and skin migraine along with de-cramping aches and pains.
When I saw the animated film 'A Bug's Life' ~ I identified and laughed way way way too much in massive hysteria at the following sketch:
Kitsune said:Photographing covers of books to aid memory is a very good idea, I use the same technique with posters advertising activities of interest.Thank you for the recommendations of Jung's book, memories, dreams and reflections. Does this explain the psychology of dreams? I wonder if it could explain some of the descriptions that people have given on my dreams thread?
Photographing covers of books to aid memory is a very good idea, I use the same technique with posters advertising activities of interest.
Thank you for the recommendations of Jung's book, memories, dreams and reflections. Does this explain the psychology of dreams? I wonder if it could explain some of the descriptions that people have given on my dreams thread?
Kitsune said:How are you finding 'the divided self'?
Well I am just about to begin chapter 3 with chapter 1 being sound enough in terms of being a simple introduction and chapter 2 seemed to be getting on the way to being interesting thus far.
Kitsune said:I wonder if your friend kept his library like so to dissuade others from borrowing his books?
Kitsune said:One of my friends uses my bookshelves as her own personal library! Although I must say that she is very good and always brings the book that she has borrowed back before she borrows another!
Kitsune said:You're welcome! Does 'Knots' cover all of linguistic semantics? I studied a little of it many years ago when I was a Psychology undergraduate. But it was only a small part of a much larger book on the Psychology of language.
Kitsune said:It's always good to 'be prepared' that is after all the scouting motto!
Kitsune said:It seems very exhausting if you have that many seizures all summer and are then depressed during the winter!?
Kitsune said:Yes I would imagine that pretending to be oneself could get a bit confusing!
Kitsune said:The breathing technique that I use, generally when I'm trying not to have a meltdown is just simple hold my breath to the count of ten, ten times and then try to divert myself, either by paying particular attention to objects in the environment around me or by engaging in another activity. But thank you for the warning to avoid certain types of breathing exercise!
I have noticed that many of today’s prominent thinkers and researchers appear on this podcast, https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTUcatGD6xu4tAcxG-1D4Bg/videos. I’ve particularly enjoyed the episodes on cultural and evolutionary psychology.
I agree with you about the Crisis and Critique e-zine, it is too irreparably Marxist for my liking, but does offer another perspective.
Damasio’s work is very interesting, particularly his somatic marker hypothesis.
I find being amongst the actual physical books somehow both comforting and metaphysically nourishing.
Graham Slight Return said:I found this book interesting, Self and emotional life : philosophy. psychoanalysis. and neuroscience.It is available for download here: https://www.pdfdrive.com/self-and-emotional-life-philosophy-psychoanalysis-and-neuroscience-e187542139.html depends how you feel about free downloads.
I found this book interesting, Self and emotional life : philosophy. psychoanalysis. and neuroscience.
It is available for download here: https://www.pdfdrive.com/self-and-emotional-life-philosophy-psychoanalysis-and-neuroscience-e187542139.html depends how you feel about free downloads.
I have no problems doing free part or whole previews and actually buying the books in question, so thanks for the 'advertisement' on this one.
A virtual first read makes the second actual read much more viable in my mind, and the good thing with actual reads is that referring to previous pages is very easy with notary inserts. Plus for my tastes having actual books in line of sight on an actual shelves is far easier than virtual for purposes of recollection and reference.
The first virtual read is good in that if the author uses words or names another author I cannot recall (due to nominal aphasia) and does not exemplify the meaning or philosophy involved, one can check the internet to remind oneself or become informed of it.
Graham Slight Return said:For a magazine edition devoted to the Lacanian approach: https://crisiscritique.org/
In that the Lacanian approach is Freudian, and that I am more in part Adlerian but much more wholly Jungian in my approach ~ the Crisis and Critique site is not really my thing as it is more philosophically political than psychologically metaphysical ~ but thankyou for the link anyway as alternative viewpoints can stimulate additional thinking, and may as such be useful in the future when or if I have the time and inclination to read the articles.
The virtual Self and Emotional Life book has rather got my attentive inclination at the moment, as will then the actual copy next week and then the virtual 'Looking for Spinoza' and actual book by Antonio Damasio covered by the SaEL book ~ being that I have already read and really enjoyed reading Demasio's book 'Descarte's Error' (in 2005) which is also covered in the SaEL book.
When I spoke of using the law of energy constant to manage behavioural perseveration. I meant that I figured, as energy must stay constant but can change forms, that via a few 'form' changes in between, it is possible to convert electrical energy in the brain to heat energy through exercise which is then released into the atmosphere and away from me!
I think that the comparison with Escher's work gave me the best idea of what you experience inside your head with regards to your different selves. That seems very disorientating! How do you cope with it?
It seems that you have a very surreal internal state of reality! I'm intrigued! I like to know how other people experience various mental states in their heads, I'm a firm believer that asking a person about their own subjective experience of a situation will give far better insight into the workings of their mind than any textbook ever will!
I'm sorry to hear that you had a near death experience when you were 3, what happened? Photographing covers of books to aid memory is a very good idea, I use the same technique with posters advertising activities of interest.
How are you finding 'the divided self'?
I wonder if your friend kept his library like so to dissuade others from borrowing his books? One of my friends uses my bookshelves as her own personal library! Although I must say that she is very good and always brings the book that she has borrowed back before she borrows another!
You're welcome! Does 'Knots' cover all of linguistic semantics? I studied a little of it many years ago when I was a Psychology undergraduate. But it was only a small part of a much larger book on the Psychology of language.
It's always good to 'be prepared' that is after all the scouting motto!
It seems very exhausting if you have that many seizures all summer and are then depressed during the winter!?
Yes I would imagine that pretending to be oneself could get a bit confusing!
The breathing technique that I use, generally when I'm trying not to have a meltdown is just simple hold my breath to the count of ten, ten times and then try to divert myself, either by paying particular attention to objects in the environment around me or by engaging in another activity. But thank you for the warning to avoid certain types of breathing exercise!
For a magazine edition devoted to the Lacanian approach: https://crisiscritique.org/
Kitsune said:Thank you for explaining all of that and for providing a lot of reading material! I shall try to read all of the links later.
I am glad to have been of some service, and hope you find the reading material useful perhaps.
Kitsune said:It's good to be able to merge a variety of ideas and theories to come up with something that suits yourself.
Finding different perspectives on the same experiences does provide rather the most befitting remit from the wilderness of people not knowing about them, and as such being able to identify and find affirmation through others experiences of the inner journey is very much a treasure on earth. The same 'treasures on earth wise' as everyone's writings here in respect of being Autistic and Aspergenic and so forth.
Kitsune said:Incidentally I used the law of energy constant to evolve a technique to manage behavioural perseveration a few years ago.
The principle of 'matter disintegrates and energy reintegrates' does rather help as a basic ethos ~ to keep the body and mind more balanced and functionally coherent in terms of energy conservation, most definitely. Stress induced shut downs and or seizures are rather convincing in that respect I can very definitely report!
Kitsune said:I would imagine that it must be rather unsettling and confusing for you having a fragmented sense of self, as such?
Its more actually that I have a singular sense of self in the sense that I am a human 'being' in a human body, and I have fragmented sensibilities of my selves from within ~ which is in one sense Kafkaesque in terms of using aspects of my selves involving the linguistic networks to access the appropriate language frameworks for particular words and names and expressions and all that ~ as are in another sense Escheresque in terms of the rooms, coridoors and stairs of my mind-body relationship changing position and moving around. Very much like this:
I so related with this as a psychological representation with David Bowie being similar to the guiding or misguiding aspects of myself, the young lady being like myself trying to involve myself in the external environment and the baby "Toby!" being like one of my means to engage with the world.
When she jumps to get to the baby and everything fragments ~ that is like a seizure for me; only without the burly luminosity and kaleidoscopic geometries of spectra, beams, rays and fireworks like displays and all that.
Kitsune said:The difficulty in recalling Authors/Titles/Books I can empathise with as I have a rather unfortunate Acquired Brain Injury which does make my memory a bit hazy at times!
I had a near death session when was three and ever since then the seizures. In terms of recalling books I have been loaned I really like; I photograph the cover front and back so I do not forget them and I can buy them at a later stage ~ providing they are still available in print of course.
Kitsune said:I've not read any Jung, I might have to have a read some of his work at some point.
'Memories, Dreams and Reflections' is good one to start with as both an introduction to and a summary of his life's work ~ so if you like his work or not it won't just be on fragmentary basis, unless of course you do get into his work and find it somewhat different in character due to masking out his mystical leanings in his papers. His writing and life style appear in MDR to have been particular autistic in character, and I have always found his work very amenable in the aspergenic sense.
If you are more into the works side of psychologists there is 'The Essential Jung Introduced by Anthony Storr' ~ which I found rather agreeable as I had read and very much liked Storr's work before.
Kitsune said:I have a couple of books by Laing though, 'The divided self' and 'The Politics of Experience and the Bird of Paradise' have you ever read them
I have just started reading 'The Divided Self' as it happens, and one of my friends / colleagues has often talked of K. D. Laing's books and work in our discussions over the years, but due to his library being more like a mountain range crossed with the likeness of car scrap heap he has not been able to find or loan the books, providing he said the problem of people forgetting on purpose or not to return them was not the case.
One book though he very strongly recommended to me in relation to linguistic semantics is called 'Knots' ~ which your question led me to recall via Wikipedia, so very much appreciated on that one, thank you!
Kitsune said:I shall research the flame meditations but think that a geometric visualisation approach might suit be better. Although I will look up both to see what they are about.
Well it is always good in my opinion to know something of the other options in case they are required at a later stage ~ be prepared and all that!
Kitsune said:Do you have frequent seizures?
Anything from either a few to several a day through the summer and a few to several a week during the winter, as they are stress induced. I am more confused during the summer as I do not get the time to be as depressed as I do during the winter, what with being more with it psychologically rather out of it physiologically sort of thing.
Kitsune said:I've personally found that the 'social skills' that I've learned have become relatively automatic, except when I'm particularly stressed or tired. However, they're not for everyone.
I found it is generally rather difficult just being myself as it is ~ without making it worse for everyone else by pretending to be myself as well!!!
Kitsune said:Breathing techniques in general can be a useful resource to help to lessen anxiety in most situations.
Be careful not to do diaphragmatic breathing though ~ as it has become rather a trend with some and even those teaching pelvic floor breathing, which does 'involve' the diaphragm most certainly, but one should not 'use' it like a muscle ~ being that the diaphragm is a fascia which is a band of connective tissue that fastens, stabilizes and separates, rather than being a muscle that contracts and expands.
Using the diaphragm to breath is more likely to damage it, resulting in low oxygenation or progressive asphyxiation. Breathing deeply, gently and evenly with the pelvis and abdominal muscles is both refreshing and calming.
Thank you for explaining all of that and for providing a lot of reading material! I shall try to read all of the links later.
It's good to be able to merge a variety of ideas and theories to come up with something that suits yourself. Incidentally I used the law of energy constant to evolve a technique to manage behavioural perseveration a few years ago.
I would imagine that it must be rather unsettling and confusing for you having a fragmented sense of self, as such?
The difficulty in recalling Authors/Titles/Books I can empathise with as I have a rather unfortunate Acquired Brain Injury which does make my memory a bit hazy at times!
I've not read any Jung, I might have to have a read some of his work at some point. I have a couple of books by Laing though, 'The divided self' and 'The Politics of Experience and the Bird of Paradise' have you ever read them?
I shall research the flame meditations but think that a geometric visualisation approach might suit be better. Although I will look up both to see what they are about.
Do you have frequent seizures?
I've personally found that the 'social skills' that I've learned have become relatively automatic, except when I'm particularly stressed or tired. However, they're not for everyone.
Breathing techniques in general can be a useful resource to help to lessen anxiety in most situations.
Kitsune said:Thank you for the advice. I will see if keeping my attention focused elsewhere is beneficial. Is that technique accessible online at all please?
Well the technique learnt by myself is compilation of techniques as taken from firstly reading and practicing the disciplines from Plato's 'The Republic' involving most particularly the 'cave analogy', and then secondly the next was Christian Bible involving the 'greatest commandment' (or actually the greatest consolidation) with one Greek version of which in English being:
"Aspire to love in principle the Spirit* of you ~ well within the heart of you, well within the soul of you and well within the mind of you. This being the first of the greatest consolidation; and the second of the greatest consolidation likewise is: aspire to love the neighbors of you as well as the *Self of you. For on the embodiment of this dual consolidation ~ all of the teaching suspends with the prophets."
Then the next book was one which involved a meditation type discussing the most disciplined mediation techniques he had come across ~ with one being to silence the internal narrative by focusing oneself entirely within the heart, which given the greatest consolidation and having out of body orbicular experiences ~ it really rather struck a cord with me, and being that I have Schizoeffective Personality Disorder ~ I really rather wanted silence the fragmented multitude selves / ego-state versions of me as being then Schizotypal. Unfortunately I cannot recall the author or the title or the name of that school of meditation and where it was as the book was loaned to me and I did not get a copy myself, and due to having seizures my mind tends to get rather fragged and recalling books or names etcetera is really hard or impossible unless I actually have copies of or surviving notes about them for reference.
The final title on centering one's self theme was / is called 'The Secret Of the Golden Flower' with a foreward by 'C. J. Jung', which was right up my street as I am very much into Jungian psychology and eastern traditionalism involving mandalas, geometries and gestaltism, taoism or wayism and all that.
When it comes to visualising the golden flower or lotus as some of the Egyptian types called it ~ if you decide to go for it, start by visualising a violet flame (check out violet flame meditations) rather than gold; given that you are still masking ~ as going for gold whilst fragmented can be psychologically in the structural sense shattering, and risks as such dealing with strenuous turbulent insanity and or the whimsical and weird sorts ~ depending upon one's nature and style or type of social and personal repression during upbringing and all that.
The usual technique is to watch a candle flame in the dark as the flame gives you flame-shaped flame-spots in your inner vision, which is done until the image becomes a permant aspect in your visual recall ~ which can be enhanced with purple lens glasses or a transparency if your are not a natural at colour visualisation.
If you want to go for the geometric visualisation approach ~ a pyrite cube is one method but of course the sanity factor may be a problem with the golden effect, but another option staring at an image of 'Metraton's Cube' ~ such as:
Or:
As a few examples.
Kitsune said: Usually when I’m at work or talking with parents at Beavers I use an eye contact modulation technique that I learned in my book by Daniel Wendler, essentially you mirror your conversation partners eye contact but wait a few seconds before mirroring, so that (hopefully) they don’t notice. I would say that I can probably hold contact for less time than is recommended in the book anyway, unless I’m in a super starey mood. Unfortunately, yesterday evening I was completely frazzled and not in the mood for making eye contact with any other adults (for some reason children aren’t as difficult for me to make eye contact with). I have also heard the advice of looking in between people’s eyes when speaking with them but worry that I may appear cross eyed!
With the seizures thing I am usually to frazzled to do anything other than the meditation focus which is totally habituated now, as it keeps me centered enough to keep with the basic necessities ~ without having to concern myself any of that human interaction rigmarole of where to look at people and for how long and all that, and definitely I recall what you mean about the cross eyed thing! Another problem I used to get really hypertensive about was blinking rates ~ oh my life having the obsessive compulsions on that was so not good!!!
Basically though with the meditation focus it is a combination of open mindfulness and focused contemplation involving the light of the inner self, which as a geometric sparkly particle as some find it to be ~ it is an energy source that is located or seated in the center of the chest. By using inner breathing as if the nose and mouth are in the center of the chest ~ one breaths down from the chest center and up from the core of the planet, and breaths out back to the core of the planet as if the feet were nostrils in a sense.
If one is sat the out-breaths can be imagined as roots or streams of energy that are grounding or connecting, and if one is stood too. If one is walking, jogging or running one can draw up energy via the feet sucking them temporarily to the floor and as such increase ones mobility ~ which applies to the hands and arms too for wheelchair uses, and the hands and feet for swimmers also.