Feeling self conscious about my Autism

I have noticed that many of today’s prominent thinkers and researchers appear on this podcast, https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTUcatGD6xu4tAcxG-1D4Bg/videos. I’ve particularly enjoyed the episodes on cultural and evolutionary psychology.

I agree with you about the Crisis and Critique e-zine, it is too irreparably Marxist for my liking, but does offer another perspective.

Damasio’s work is very interesting, particularly his somatic marker hypothesis.

I find being amongst the actual physical books somehow both comforting and metaphysically nourishing.

Graham Slight Return said:

I found this book interesting, Self and emotional life : philosophy. psychoanalysis. and neuroscience.

It is available for download here: https://www.pdfdrive.com/self-and-emotional-life-philosophy-psychoanalysis-and-neuroscience-e187542139.html depends how you feel about free downloads.

I have no problems doing free part or whole previews and actually buying the books in question, so thanks for the 'advertisement' on this one.

A virtual first read makes the second actual read much more viable in my mind, and the good thing with actual reads is that referring to previous pages is very easy with notary inserts. Plus for my tastes having actual books in line of sight on an actual shelves is far easier than virtual for purposes of recollection and reference.

The first virtual read is good in that if the author uses words or names another author I cannot recall (due to nominal aphasia) and does not exemplify the meaning or philosophy involved, one can check the internet to remind oneself or become informed of it.

Graham Slight Return said:

For a magazine edition devoted to the Lacanian approach: https://crisiscritique.org/

In that the Lacanian approach is Freudian, and that I am more in part Adlerian but much more wholly Jungian in my approach ~ the Crisis and Critique site is not really my thing as it is more philosophically political than psychologically metaphysical ~ but thankyou for the link anyway as alternative viewpoints can stimulate additional thinking, and may as such be useful in the future when or if I have the time and inclination to read the articles.

The virtual Self and Emotional Life book has rather got my attentive inclination at the moment, as will then the actual copy next week and then the virtual 'Looking for Spinoza' and actual book by Antonio Damasio covered by the SaEL book ~ being that I have already read and really enjoyed reading Demasio's book 'Descarte's Error' (in 2005) which is also covered in the SaEL book.

No worries!

I'm glad you've developed a technique that works for you!

When I spoke of using the law of energy constant to manage behavioural perseveration. I meant that I figured, as energy must stay constant but can change forms, that via a few 'form' changes in between, it is possible to convert electrical energy in the brain to heat energy through exercise which is then released into the atmosphere and away from me!

I think that the comparison with Escher's work gave me the best idea of what you experience inside your head with regards to your different selves. That seems very disorientating! How do you cope with it? 

It seems that you have a very surreal internal state of reality! I'm intrigued! I like to know how other people experience various mental states in their heads, I'm a firm believer that asking a person about their own subjective experience of a situation will give far better insight into the workings of their mind than any textbook ever will!

I'm sorry to hear that you had a near death experience when you were 3, what happened? Photographing covers of books to aid memory is a very good idea, I use the same technique with posters advertising activities of interest.

Thank you for the recommendations of Jung's book, memories, dreams and reflections. Does this explain the psychology of dreams? I wonder if it could explain some of the descriptions that people have given on my dreams thread?

How are you finding 'the divided self'?

I wonder if your friend kept his library like so to dissuade others from borrowing his books? One of my friends uses my bookshelves as her own personal library! Although I must say that she is very good and always brings the book that she has borrowed back before she borrows another!

You're welcome! Does 'Knots' cover all of linguistic semantics? I studied a little of it many years ago when I was a Psychology undergraduate. But it was only a small part of a much larger book on the Psychology of language. 

It's always good to 'be prepared' that is after all the scouting motto!

It seems very exhausting if you have that many seizures all summer and are then depressed during the winter!?

Yes I would imagine that pretending to be oneself could get a bit confusing!

The breathing technique that I use, generally when I'm trying not to have a meltdown is just simple hold my breath to the count of ten, ten times and then try to divert myself, either by paying particular attention to objects in the environment around me or by engaging in another activity. But thank you for the warning to avoid certain types of breathing exercise!

Yes, I would say that my social skills also dip when I'm tired, which was probably the problem last Wednesday! Thank you! I always run my own colony on my own but the other one was a fluke!

I can imagine that it's quite nice working in an environment where you feel more able to be yourself?

I know! 'why' do people expect me to act normal!?

I swear that having very early memories is an Autistic thing! I have baby memories, if I tell this to a non-autistic person I get a response along the lines of “oh my word! I’ve never known anyone to have baby memories before!” whereas if I tell it to an autistic person, I get a response such as “oh, me too!” followed by various examples of their own very early memories! Baby memories, it’s an Autistic thing!

I remember when I was at playschool I would stare at the other children in bewilderment! I never played with them, I never had any inclination at that point in time to play with other children, I had my own games to play! Once I hit the reception class of infant school, I would alternate between still staring at the other children or talking far too much about topics which I deemed to be important and occasionally annoy one boy in particular!

Thank you for saying that my daughter is lucky to have someone who understands! I have her back 100% and will always ensure that she gets all the support that she needs. It’s kind of weirdly nice having a mini me, she ‘gets’ me too!

I'm really sorry to hear about this! Does it get draining having to constantly pretend?

You're not being a bad person by taking time out, it's called self care, something which everyone ought to practice! I'm sure that your partner does things that they need to do in order to look after themselves? When I need time out I usually go for a drive or hibernate in my study! 

If your meltdowns are affecting you for weeks afterwards then maybe it is time to start identifying and managing meltdown triggers? Do you get any support from your local Autism services?

Would it be worth a visit to your GP to ask if they can refer you to someone for some help and support? 

Thank you for the helpful links Graham.

Aw that's a shame, I hope that you find some support groups soon. Have you tried the links above recommended by Graham?

I think I've known since probably nursery or primary school I was different from the other kids (it's weird, surely, that I can even remember that far back, right?), but I didn't understand why, nor had I the vocabulary back then to even express my concerns.  A couple of people I've known/worked with over the years have suggested autism, but I think by this point I was in denial, really just wanting to keep my head down and plough ahead with my work and hobbies (the exuberance of youth lol) while my problems festered.  The family photos just brought it all home tbh, seeing my young uncomfortable self now through the eyes of an adult, it just stinks that my parents, teachers and everyone around me were quite content to look the other way!  Well anyway, your daughter is lucky to have someone who understands and can fight her corner.  I think that's so important for an ASD child.

No, it's to much trouble to just be me people get upset and say im selfish or antisocial and form their opinions which tend to have negative out comes for me .

I have to be the bad person sometimes when I get overwhelmed and just go into another room and close the door a stay there for a while, but I can't relax because I know the feeling it creates with my partner so that's that.

I don't switch off really I stay like this for about 2/3 months and then implode afterwards, I do try to pick up the pieces and find a way to adjust so I don't meltdown. But I swear the meltdowns really damage me the last one I was so stressed my speach was affected for about 3 weeks and my memory became really bad not that its too good anyway  but I feel one day it will have a lasting effect if it doesn't already.

I can't even begin to say how I struggle with work because normally if my employer finds out I have autism I lose my job due to being forced out or laid off because I'm not the right fit and truly I thought that atos or the unions would help me but no help what so ever was given and I can remember begging at one point for help. 

I am frequently overwhelmed by my own strangeness!

As someone else mentioned, my social skills definitely take a downward turn if I have spent too much time around people or I'm tired. I think it's really impressive that you ran two Scouts sessions by yourself!

I've recently started a job working at a school for autistic children; all the staff know I have Aspergers, and generally have good knowledge of autism, so my behaviour is a lot more tolerated than in other places. 

It can feel frustrating when you're trying so hard to communicate with people but are aware that it doesn't fall within the zone of "normal"

I’m glad you’re fine! Hopefully you’ve managed to get some rest?

yea  i fine,  thanks for the concern, just a harmless shutdown 

I found this book interesting, Self and emotional life : philosophy. psychoanalysis. and neuroscience.

It is available for download here: https://www.pdfdrive.com/self-and-emotional-life-philosophy-psychoanalysis-and-neuroscience-e187542139.html depends how you feel about free downloads.

For a magazine edition devoted to the Lacanian approach: https://crisiscritique.org/

Kitsune said:

Thank you for explaining all of that and for providing a lot of reading material! I shall try to read all of the links later.

I am glad to have been of some service, and hope you find the reading material useful perhaps.

Kitsune said:

It's good to be able to merge a variety of ideas and theories to come up with something that suits yourself.

Finding different perspectives on the same experiences does provide rather the most befitting remit from the wilderness of people not knowing about them, and as such being able to identify and find affirmation through others experiences of the inner journey is very much a treasure on earth. The same 'treasures on earth wise' as everyone's writings here in respect of being Autistic and Aspergenic and so forth.

Kitsune said:

Incidentally I used the law of energy constant to evolve a technique to manage behavioural perseveration a few years ago. 

The principle of 'matter disintegrates and energy reintegrates' does rather help as a basic ethos ~ to keep the body and mind more balanced and functionally coherent in terms of energy conservation, most definitely. Stress induced shut downs and or seizures are rather convincing in that respect I can very definitely report!

Kitsune said:

I would imagine that it must be rather unsettling and confusing for you having a fragmented sense of self, as such?

Its more actually that I have a singular sense of self in the sense that I am a human 'being' in a human body, and I have fragmented sensibilities of my selves from within ~ which is in one sense Kafkaesque in terms of using aspects of my selves involving the linguistic networks to access the appropriate language frameworks for particular words and names and expressions and all that ~ as are in another sense Escheresque in terms of the rooms, coridoors and stairs of my mind-body relationship changing position and moving around. Very much like this:

I so related with this as a psychological representation with David Bowie being similar to the guiding or misguiding aspects of myself, the young lady being like myself trying to involve myself in the external environment and the baby "Toby!" being like one of my means to engage with the world.

When she jumps to get to the baby and everything fragments ~ that is like a seizure for me; only without the burly luminosity and kaleidoscopic geometries of spectra, beams, rays and fireworks like displays and all that.

Kitsune said:

The difficulty in recalling Authors/Titles/Books I can empathise with as I have a rather unfortunate Acquired Brain Injury which does make my memory a bit hazy at times!

I had a near death session when was three and ever since then the seizures. In terms of recalling books I have been loaned I really like; I photograph the cover front and back so I do not forget them and I can buy them at a later stage ~ providing they are still available in print of course.

Kitsune said:

I've not read any Jung, I might have to have a read some of his work at some point.

'Memories, Dreams and Reflections' is good one to start with as both an introduction to and a summary of his life's work ~ so if you like his work or not it won't just be on fragmentary basis, unless of course you do get into his work and find it somewhat different in character due to masking out his mystical leanings in his papers. His writing and life style appear in MDR to have been particular autistic in character, and I have always found his work very amenable in the aspergenic sense.

If you are more into the works side of psychologists there is 'The Essential Jung Introduced by Anthony Storr' ~ which I found rather agreeable as I had read and very much liked Storr's work before. 

Kitsune said:

I have a couple of books by Laing though, 'The divided self' and 'The Politics of Experience and the Bird of Paradise' have you ever read them

I have just started reading 'The Divided Self' as it happens, and one of my friends / colleagues has often talked of K. D. Laing's books and work in our discussions over the years, but due to his library being more like a mountain range crossed with the likeness of car scrap heap he has not been able to find or loan the books, providing he said the problem of people forgetting on purpose or not to return them was not the case.

One book though he very strongly recommended to me in relation to linguistic semantics is called 'Knots' ~ which your question led me to recall via Wikipedia, so very much appreciated on that one, thank you!

Kitsune said:

I shall research the flame meditations but think that a geometric visualisation approach might suit be better. Although I will look up both to see what they are about.

Well it is always good in my opinion to know something of the other options in case they are required at a later stage ~ be prepared and all that!

Kitsune said:

Do you have frequent seizures? 

Anything from either a few to several a day through the summer and a few to several a week during the winter, as they are stress induced. I am more confused during the summer as I do not get the time to be as depressed as I do during the winter, what with being more with it psychologically rather out of it physiologically sort of thing.

Kitsune said:

I've personally found that the 'social skills' that I've learned have become relatively automatic, except when I'm particularly stressed or tired. However, they're not for everyone.

I found it is generally rather difficult just being myself as it is ~ without making it worse for everyone else by pretending to be myself as well!!! 

Kitsune said:

Breathing techniques in general can be a useful resource to help to lessen anxiety in most situations.

Be careful not to do diaphragmatic breathing though ~ as it has become rather a trend with some and even those teaching pelvic floor breathing, which does 'involve' the diaphragm most certainly, but one should not 'use' it like a muscle ~ being that the diaphragm is a fascia which is a band of connective tissue that fastens, stabilizes and separates, rather than being a muscle that contracts and expands.

Using the diaphragm to breath is more likely to damage it, resulting in low oxygenation or progressive asphyxiation. Breathing deeply, gently and evenly with the pelvis and abdominal muscles is both refreshing and calming. 

family reasons, I can only do it online and imagine what it feels like. but I know for the last year I wanted to try leggings and I don't know any support groups 

It's interesting how old family photos prompted you to go for a diagnosis. Did you have any suspicions that may have had ASD before then? I often get reminded of the very autistic things that I used to do as a child by watching my youngest daughter (also diagnosed ASD). Such as, she frequently does head inversions, I always used to do that, there's a photo of me somewhere looking through my legs upside down. We're both hair pullers, sadly, though currently both in remission with that. Also she has very dexterous feet, I do too! I actually remembered this morning that I used to sit rocking as a young girl, I don't rock as an adult incidentally nor do I have any inclination to, but when I was about 5/6 I used to sit on the floor at home, holding my knees up to my chest and rock backwards and forwards for ages.

Thank you! I consider myself to be quite a sociable person, despite my 'different' social skills. I've always been motivated to find ways and methods of making more friends. When I was 12 I used to utilise the problem pages in teenage girl magazines to this effect, often someone would have written in saying that they were shy and didn't have many friends and the advice would usually be something along the lines of ask people what they did yesterday evening, say what you watched on television last night and ask if they watched it too or what they watched etc. More recently I've studied a lot of the 'Improve your social skills' book by Daniel Wendler. I also started up a group for Autistic women in my local area after my own diagnosis which has proved a useful resource for all members to meet and interact with other Autistic women and I've become good friends with one of the other Autistic women who helps me to run the monthly meetings. Yes, taking on two consecutive Beaver colonies was a bit exhausting! I tend to have the mentality of 'right, I can do this!', have to focus loads but can manage it but then realise afterwards how much it's zapped my energy!

Thank you for explaining all of that and for providing a lot of reading material! I shall try to read all of the links later.

It's good to be able to merge a variety of ideas and theories to come up with something that suits yourself. Incidentally I used the law of energy constant to evolve a technique to manage behavioural perseveration a few years ago. 

I would imagine that it must be rather unsettling and confusing for you having a fragmented sense of self, as such?

The difficulty in recalling Authors/Titles/Books I can empathise with as I have a rather unfortunate Acquired Brain Injury which does make my memory a bit hazy at times!

I've not read any Jung, I might have to have a read some of his work at some point. I have a couple of books by Laing though, 'The divided self' and 'The Politics of Experience and the Bird of Paradise' have you ever read them?

I shall research the flame meditations but think that a geometric visualisation approach might suit be better. Although I will look up both to see what they are about.

Do you have frequent seizures? 

I've personally found that the 'social skills' that I've learned have become relatively automatic, except when I'm particularly stressed or tired. However, they're not for everyone.

Breathing techniques in general can be a useful resource to help to lessen anxiety in most situations.

Going through old family photographs and noticing how awkward and self conscious I always looked was what prompted me to go for a diagnosis.

Kitsune, from my observations I'd have said you were one of the more social, outgoing people here.  Also, you took on TWO squads of beaver scouts.  That is literally terrifying.