Published on 12, July, 2020
I’m interested in the perspectives of both ASD and NTs who married ASDs.
I’m engaged and we had planned our wedding for the start of this year but decided to postpone 6 weeks before because I was too poorly (vestibular migraine) and the church and hotel we had booked were both messing us about.
The thing is, we didn’t enjoy planning a single aspect of our wedding. We found it a massive chore and in no way exciting, romantic or anything else. While we both know we definitely want to be with each other and we definitely want to get married, we don’t want to be burned out by all the prep.
On the other hand, we feel that eloping wouldn’t be right for us as we do want to be able to celebrate with our families. I would feel I had missed out a massive milestone if my dad didn’t walk me down the aisle, and I’m certain he would feel the same.
I know you’ll all say, “It’s your wedding, you can do it however you want,” but really what I’m looking for is concrete examples of things that worked for people with autism. For example, one idea we are toying with is having a small, formal service in a chapel with our very immediate families and then throwing a bigger party/reception a few months later for the wider family and a few friends. Neither of us really like being the centre of attention anyway.
Along with Asperger’s, I also have a number of physical health problems which cause fatigue and pain so that is a limiting factor too.
All the worry and I think a lot of the fun. Still I think expensive weddings are a waste. book your local church. buy a nice dress, nice cake. Book the local village hall for the reception. Bish bash bosh done. The moment you're looking at out of town hotels in scenic locations and flower petals and ribbons you're just throwing money away.
But yeah girls get the fun as well as the worry. Would I choose to get married in a penguin suit looking like a matradee? No I'd dress up as he man or in some outrageous 80s inspired outfit that would look more appropriate in a glam rock band. Or something even weirder. How about this if they get to pick our outfits how about we get to pick theirs? Then we can put them in the kind of outfit you see in dodgy web game pop up ads, 'Join our medieval kingdom building sim now my lord' kind of thing.
One thing I'd like to see is something for the kids. Kids put up with so much going to long boring weddings. So I was thinking supper soakers taped under the seats. Then at the signing of the registry we announce the water fight and put a bounty on the mother of the brides hat.
And of course if the brides friends drag her off to see the Chippendales it empowering. If the stag party books a striper its sleazy.
sigh this is why I'll probably never be married.
Often it can seem like the groom is a guest at his own wedding because, more often than not, the bride takes all the worry of organizing the wedding day into her own hands. A phrase from the famous movie "Bride Wars" comes to mind: "The last month before the wedding is like a test for a couple. A test of how they act together, solve problems, communicate. The first burst of happiness is behind them. Some couples develop serious contradictions in their relationship. For other couples who are happy, the harmony of their relationship becomes even more apparent." During this period, it is especially important for the groom to be involved in the overall process and to provide his support. That's exactly what I tried to do on my wedding day, taking all the important moments into consideration. True, one minus was that I ordered the suit only a week before the wedding from www.gentlemansguru.com/. But for the most part, there were no jams.
We got married 16 years ago in November. I did not know I had ASD at the time and I was in a pretty good place at the time. However looking back I can see my ASD in my wedding plans. Didn't want the big wedding as although I am an only child I have loads of family and didn't want a big crowd. So we went to St Lucia and got married out there just with both sets of parents on the beach.Parents came for a week, us for two weeks and we got married on the beach the day before they came back. When we got back to the UK 2 weeks later we had a party at the local pub with about 100 people, nothing fancy just a buffett and a knees up.
Do what works for you, people just accept diffrent weddings now. I have been to three weddings in the last year and all were diffrent, one very small, one massive. Do what is right for you and your partner, don't be preassured by others to do what they think you should do.
Our wedding day went great. The organization of the celebration was at the highest level. The most important rule is to start preparations well in advance of the celebration date. We started preparing about a year before our wedding date. We chose a wedding agency and started planning. We were lucky with the team of specialists who understood us perfectly and offered a million options to implement our ideas. In the end, our day exceeded all our expectations. I can't describe in words how happy I am with the work we did. After our wedding celebration, my husband and I wanted to open a wedding agency. This idea is still in the development stage. If you are also interested in this topic, you can read [link removed by moderator] about growing in the wedding agency industry.
That sounds absolutley perfect. I just wanted to drive off somewhere with my partner, pop into a church, say our vows and then probobly go to a chip shop.
People got their way unfortunatley
No, I'm still looking for a nice boyfriend. Anyway I dont believe in marriage. I just cannot have a relationship. Any nice boyfriends out there, all quiet.
Come back darling.
My wedding day was fine, my wife to be (a good planner) planned everything very well (I wouldn't have known where to start), all I had to do was repeat the words that the vicar said, write and give a speech (which I mostly borrowed from books and the Internet). My best man and my father-in-law were good, they didn't say anything unpleasant about me in their speeches.
I am not one for staying up late (I struggle beyond 10 pm), socialising or dancing (I did the customary first dance with my wife though), the reception was in a hotel, so I disappeared up to the bedroom when I became tired. The reception continued on for a few hours.
The wedding and reception was filmed so I when I saw the DVD I could see the parts of the reception that I missed, people seemed to be enjoying themselves. So all in all a good day for all concerned.
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My wedding day was very small. We had a little town church and the reception in the upstairs of a weatherspoons where everyone paid for their own food and drinks. It was all I could cope with and I could barely cope with that. I always knew I wanted to marry my wife but I never ever wanted a wedding, it was my idea of a nightmare and I couldnt understand why. Now I know I am autistic it all makes sense.
Anyway it was a lovely service but unfortunatley the group of friends who I invited turned out to be horrible peopel who I never speak to now. My two best men totally betrayed me the following year. They are in all the photos and videos so we cant even watch our wedding video
I wish we had eloped like I wanted
it was chaos
The anti-wedding! Popped into the Registrar's to sign on the dotted line then went back home for baked potatoes and the cake my mother insisted we have so's she could send pieces to relatives. Really we wanted to be married but without the actual wedding. :).
I got fixated on origami and did a lot of my own wedding decorations, then revelled in people telling me how great all those personal details were.
I barely spoke to my husband.
Congratulations I wouldn't know the idea of relationships and commitment terrifys me also it would be like having a 2nd mother to nag you endlessly then worst if all having children. But congratulations never the less.
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It’s good to hear that you’ve been able to re plan your wedding to suit you more, after all, it is about yourself and your fiancé. I hope it all goes well for you
Thank you sooo much to everyone for all your input and advice! I've really enjoyed reading about your weddings and it's given us plenty to think about.
We're now leaning towards a two-part event with a few weeks between the wedding day and the main celebration so I will have enough energy to enjoy both, and also not risk being left burned out for weeks afterward.
We think it will go something like this:
We're also thinking of holding the ceremony on my partner's birthday (in July) so I only need to sleep with him once a year going forward. :-D
Is he that desperate for £250 from You've Been Framed?
Sounds like you've had the best of both worlds there. :-)