If you’re married, what was your wedding day like?

I’m interested in the perspectives of both ASD and NTs who married ASDs.

I’m engaged and we had planned our wedding for the start of this year but decided to postpone 6 weeks before because I was too poorly (vestibular migraine) and the church and hotel we had booked were both messing us about.

The thing is, we didn’t enjoy planning a single aspect of our wedding. We found it a massive chore and in no way exciting, romantic or anything else. While we both know we definitely want to be with each other and we definitely want to get married, we don’t want to be burned out by all the prep.

On the other hand, we feel that eloping wouldn’t be right for us as we do want to be able to celebrate with our families. I would feel I had missed out a massive milestone if my dad didn’t walk me down the aisle, and I’m certain he would feel the same.

I know you’ll all say, “It’s your wedding, you can do it however you want,” but really what I’m looking for is concrete examples of things that worked for people with autism. For example, one idea we are toying with is having a small, formal service in a chapel with our very immediate families and then throwing a bigger party/reception a few months later for the wider family and a few friends. Neither of us really like being the centre of attention anyway.

Along with Asperger’s, I also have a number of physical health problems which cause fatigue and pain so that is a limiting factor too.

  • Yeah, that would have annoyed me too.

    I don't know why it's always such a surprise to people with kids that a couple who don't have any kids wouldn't want them brought to their wedding. I think there's this lingering expectation that weddings are 'family occasions', which many interpret as multi-generational. My definition of a family occasion is it's my family, not yours.

    My partner has a number of friends, all of whom have 3 or 4 kids each, and I was like, "absolutely, categorically, no way in hell". He thinks kids running around, screaming, crying, saying dumb stuff during your vows is what makes a wedding; I said maybe he's marrying the wrong person. We never really argue about anything, but this was probably the biggest falling out we've ever had, and he still keeps trying to sneak extra flower girls into my bridal party even now. Annoys me no end.

  • My wedding was so nice, it's a shame a day like this happens only once. Or twice. Depends on a person :D We hired an awesome venue at poptop, there were musicians, all my friends, my family. Even though I got really tired in the middle of the evening, it was great.

  • We tried that too, for the evening party. Kids were allowed at the lunchtime/early afternoon traditional reception, but not in the evening. I am no fan of kids anyway, but the evening being based on loud rock music and copious beer consumption didn't seem the place for them anyway ....

    Despite this and the compromise of inviting people to bring their children to the daytime part, there was still someone who complained about it and brought his 5 year old to the evening party anyway. I was not impressed.

  • My wedding day went great. From the very beginning, I was opposed to having a wedding, but my wife insisted. and you know, I did not regret it at all. It was the best day of my life and I think that on our anniversary we will repeat the wedding day.

  • Bet that went down well..  Smiley   Some people are very precious about their little darlings.

    One thing you can guarantee about weddings - the bigger it gets, the more likely someone will be offended or upset, a fight will kick off, an old feud will surface, you will sit the wrong people together or any number of crazy things will happen.

    Friends of ours got married in the Little White Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas while on holiday there - nice & quick & simple..

  • At a wedding a few years ago, other than immediate nieces and nephews, there were no children. The invites said something along the lines of "so the adults can enjoy themselves.....leave your kids at home" not that bluntly, but words to that effect. As in, if you've got kids, get a babysitter, come to our wedding and relax, have a drink, don't worry about yr kids.

  • I've done it twice! Both times to NT men, it's me with the Aspergers. Both really good days, but for different reasons. The first one was done on a shoestring. We wanted a proper biker wedding, so there was a big old line of motorbikes accompanying us to the registry office and back. I was going to ride my own bike, but decided fairly late in the day to go with the full wedding dress (on the grounds that "you only do this once" ... er yeah OK) which meant I ended up in my mum's car. The catering was done by my mum and her friends, one of whom made the cake too. Hubby and I made gallons of home brew so that we could have a (mostly) free bar. Music was provided by another friend who ran a rock show at the weekends in local pubs and had a full PA. I think the whole thing came in at under £3k (in 1989) including my dress! But it was a great day, everyone pitched in and that made it very cosy. I did not feel too much stared at either, which I did notice at the 2 church weddings I went to before mine. I would not have liked that at all.

    Plastic is spot on - it is a very long day and really tiring. I say this as someone who was very young at the time and with no health problems, so the only thing affecting my fatigue levels was having to be "social" for that long. It really is quite exhausting. I think the idea of factoring in a rest is a good one. We had two receptions really, a lunch/early pm bbq with the cake cutting etc, aimed more at the older relatives/traditionalists, then back home for a couple of hours. That gave time for a couple of hours rest, then we returned to the venue for a proper party: beer, loud rock music and general silliness. It was great.

    Second time around we started looking at the options and realised that a lot of the hoo-ha around weddings is not for the benefit of the bride and groom, but is just to meet other people's expectations. Since it was second time around for both of us, we reached a point in the planning/ideas stage when we just thought "this time let's do it for us". We went on holiday to a Greek island, got married over there with a couple of the lovely holiday company reps as witnesses, and told everyone when we got back. We'd both done it for everyone else the first time, so the second we felt we could just do it for us and no-one would be offended. I don't think they were (well, if they were, we didn't hear about it!)

    I think in your case the trick will be to make it a proper celebration, but make sure that it's one you can still enjoy without needing 4 weeks to recover afterwards! Perhaps splitting the party could work for you too? A lunch for very close family and something more informal in the evening maybe? The beauty of the informal evening thing is that if people are having fun drinking and dancing, they won't mind if you retire before they do :-)

  • That's really heartening to hear, and I love your analogy!

    ...and antipasti with you. :-)

  • That's wonderful that your church community rallied around to help you. We had been members of our local church for nearly two years, but they still did everything they could to rip us off and be as awkward as possible. We've not been back since, which is sad.

    We've not even thought about a honeymoon; it'll maybe be a weekend at a hotel nearby.

    I've read somewhere that couples who spend the least on their wedding are most likely to stay together. It's really lovely that you fall into that camp. We look forward to joining you soon (I hope!).

  • We had to budget very carefully for our wedding, there was no other way. We spent £1000 in total, mostly on food. I got my wedding dress in a sale and friends of ours did the cake. It was held at  the church we both attended, and our pastor did the service. Various members of the church helped with flowers. The worship group provided the music. We had a reception immediately after the wedding, mainly for the members of the congregation we didn't know so well, and a much smaller gathering of family and friends in the evening.

    Being the centre of attention was difficult, the best man was under instructions not to focus on embarrassing personal anecdotes in his speech, and there was no way I would have led the dancing, but fortunately that wasn't so expected back then. Our honeymoon was a week in a B&B in York.

    We realised after the guests had left was that we had forgotten to hand out slices of the cake, but apart from that things went OK, and we are still together nearly 20 years later.

  • Smiley

    I really admire the people who get married on rollercoasters or dressed up as Star Wars characters or scuba diving in the local pool - they are doing their day for themselves - for their memories, their happiness.    Anybody who cares about you should want whatever it is that makes you both happy - not just satisfying the wedding machine that is created to extract maximum cash from unsuspecting couples.

    Weddings get out of hand very quickly - and the costs escalate out of control.   

    There's lots of fun and fulfilling ways to get married these days - and in reality, a big wedding is just like going into an expensive restaurant on a busy evening and paying for dinner for all those strangers you'll never meet again - it's bonkers!

    I'm an Ordained Pastafarian Minister - I can do weddings as long as I'm in my ceremonial garb (a pirate outfit).  Smiley  Smiley   May the sauce be upon you...

    You need to have a long chat with your partner and decide what it really means to YOU.

  • Thank you. I agree, weddings are exhausting at the best of times. The fact that we met at an Argentine tango class and also did salsa together just raises everyone’s expectations too, despite the fact we haven’t danced in over three years now due to work and illness.

    I’m guessing a weekday wedding would automatically cut down the guest list? Our parents’ generation are all retired so aunts and uncles could come, and our brothers would probably take time off work. If we do it during term-time, then that solves some of the kiddie issues, although most of them are pre-school age (which I particularly dislike).

    I also agree with what you say about older generations judging our wedding through the social norms of their day. It’s not helped by the fact my brother hired a castle in Kent for the weekend for his wedding to his French wife on a stunning July day with views of the coast of France, but they are both investment bankers. And also my partner’s cousin won his wedding last year in a radio competition (but I had just come out of hospital so we didn’t go).

    Honestly, just writing about it puts me off. The real issue, other than my autism and general health, is that my partner grew up in poverty; they had nothing, celebrated nothing (not even a homemade birthday card), and while his relatives had ample, he went to bed hungry most nights. I don’t want him to feel like he’s missed out again. I’m sure there is a compromise to be reached somewhere, we just need to keep thinking and googling ideas.

    We haven’t set a new date yet so there’s no time pressure, although he’s not comfortable with us living together without being married (he was raised a fairly strict Christian and that’s one of the reasons they had nothing—instead of asking social services etc. for help, his family believed “God will provide” ...and then his dad ran off to Canada with another woman, and my partner was left working every hour to keep the family from becoming homeless and supporting his mentally ill mother alone—again, no social services etc.).

    I want him to have a special day but we need to keep talking about what that will look like (for both of us). I’ve never made anything of my autism diagnosis, even among family, but I think it’s time I did because the impact of masking on my physical health is immense. Maybe our wedding can be a gluten-free, dairy-free, autism “coming out” party? LOL.

  • Aww, that sounds so lovely! I really like all the little bespoke touches you had on your bridal outfit and his suit. That’s really special.

    I think factoring in nap time is a great idea too.

    We love cake, but it all has to be gluten and dairy free because of my intolerances so it gets expensive but it’s a cost we’re happy to bear (we’re also toying with the idea of baking our own to help save cash).

  • With your recent health problems, you have the perfect excuse to scale back the wedding.   A full-on wedding is EXHAUSTING -  you are expected to interact with everyone from horrible Great Aunt Ethel to all the cousins you've never met.    It's a VERY long day from early morning make-up & hair to late night dancing - you'll be on your feet almost the entire day.     You'll end up spending a bucket full of cash to meet the expectations of the older generations who are measuring and judging you when compared to the norms of their generation.

    You end up spending money of things you couldn't possibly justify to yourself at any other time.

    You need to be true to yourself - and realistic about what the end product is - if it's just going to be some photos and a bit of cake, there's better ways of doing it.

  • I'd have prefered only me and my OH at he wedding, however, as a NT, although he's a private person too, he wanted some of his family there so we invited his mum and her husband. I splashed out on the dress and had it made in the city where he's from but with lace from my home county. I also had a bespoke veil made in the city where we currently lived and he splashed out on a handcrafted boutonniere from the milliner. My OH purchased a suit he could wear again for work but had our names and wedding date embroidered inside.

    We're from the Midlands but went to Devon for the wedding and the day panned out as followed:

    • A makeup artist came to our cottage in the morning
    • At my request, my OH walked me up the aisle 
    • After the wedding we had a photoshoot, then a small buffet lunch with his family (our wedding cake was a Thorntons cake we picked up from a supermarket as this wasn't an area we wanted to spend lots of money on)
    • We then went back to our cottage and had a nap as we were exhausted
    • In the evening we paid for a private chef to cook for just the two of us

    We both really enjoyed and wouldn't have done anything differently

  • Exactly! I really want to avoid that “pantomime” feeling.

    You're right, there isn’t the same pressure these days to do what everyone expects, but it still did feel that, when we planned our wedding initially, it was for everyone else’s benefit.

    We’d set a max budget of £9k—my parents had kindly given us £5k as an engagement present, and we were each going to chip in another £2k, and were on track to come in at just under £8k. But I’ve been too ill to work for over 12 months now and all of my parents’ gift has gone on paying my mortgage and bills. We have my dress, our rings, buttonholes (artificial) for the bridal party, and the photographer already paid for (which is basically all you need for a wedding, bar cake), and we lost our deposit (£250) on the hotel. Our local church was going to be the second most expensive item after the hotel catering (2-course buffet), wanting almost £1,200 for the service and music, so we’re hoping to find another venue for a lot less; but there will still be travelling and overnight costs, at least for us, and I feel awkward about not being able to put up the wedding party, although I know my family will understand given I’m unable to work and my partner’s income is quite low.

    My fiancé is really keen to have the groom’s party kitted out in suits and to have all 3 nieces as flower girls, as well as his brother’s niece as a bridesmaid. I’ve asked him if he wants to wear the wedding dress too.

    Thing is, I really don’t like kids; I find them noisy and needy, and really unpredictable. While I love my brother’s 2 girls completely and unconditionally, I’m really not enamoured by any others. I also don’t have any close friends and I keep explaining to him that, the more children there are, the more it highlights to all my family that I don’t have any friends, and I don’t really want to feel humiliated on my wedding day.

    My plan was to have the elder of my nieces plus my cousin’s 2 daughters as flower girls, and leave it at that. I felt it would be a way to include his kids (I like him and am very close to his mum/my aunt), without having to invite all of my other cousins’ kids, and those of “friends” (mostly my partner’s friends who I don’t really know).

    I think one of the things he still doesn’t get is that, while he’s been to a number of family gatherings on my side over the last 4 years and got to know everyone reasonably well, I’ve only met his mum, his brother and his brother’s wife and kid. They’re nice enough, albeit not really my cup of tea, but our guest list was 60% his family and most of the stories he’s told me about them are fairly unflattering.

    Ugh. Families, eh? I don’t want to look back and regret not doing something more “celebratory”, but at the moment I would be happy to replicate what my brother did for my niece’s christening this summer, although I concede that some of my partner’s family will need to be there. (See? I can compromise!!)

  • That sounds lovely; relaxed but intimate.

    I like “simple and uncomplicated”... much like my fiancé! Slight smile

  • Hehe, great tip, thanks!

    We have been thinking of just having the groom say a few words to thank everyone for being there, followed by a cuppa and slice of wedding cake.

  • We got married 30 years ago - the full traditional church wedding - there weren't as many options back then.

    Looking back at it now, we regret doing what was expected of us - it's ludicrously expensive to blow that much cash on just one day - especially when you consider a good number of the people there are distant relative we never see.

    All the presents were typical (useless) presents and the whole thing felt like a pantomime for the benefit of everyone else.

    It was all very nice and the photos are lovely etc. - but we wish we had done something else - especially when you think of the better things we could have done with all the money when we were just starting out in life.

    There was a wedding in a back garden last weekend a few doors down to us - it sounded like a really nice event - along the lines of the American garden weddings - and it's much, much better value - even if you get professional catering in.

  • When I got married, I kept it really small. I just could not be dealing with huge amounts of people and having to worry if they were all ok and having a good time. There was literally just us, my eldest daughter as bridesmaid, the vicar, our neighbours as witnesses, my Nan and a carer to look after my Nan. It was lovely and simple and uncomplicated.