Published on 12, July, 2020
My DH is autistic-undiagnosed but he has many autistic idiosyncrasies. He is extremely clumsy-walks into walls, bangs his head on ceilings and beams, stubs his toes many times a week. Breaks glasses and mugs often. He had a terrible fear of doing wrong, letting people down and is always looking for the worst case scenario in every situation. He is unable to delegate, can’t stop doing something unless he finishes it and is hopeless at prioritising- often choosing to do something that is completely unnecessary when another task desperately needs doing. He adopts accents depending on where he is and who he is speaking to- he has a specific accent for when he is at work for example, one for when he’s speaking to workmen and another rather oddly for when he’s looking around houses( we recently moved). He hasn’t progressed at work ever since I’ve known him as he doesn’t put himself forward for fear of offending someone and being sacked. He sees everything from his point of view and from his here and now, my opinions rarely count
Last week I had another conversation about how I find life with him very difficult because of all the above. He categorically refuses to believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking saying that I am exaggerating and finding fault when there isn’t any. What do I do??? I can’t carry on like this anymore?
Heya, I know this post is over 4 years old but i'd really like to hear an update on what has happened in your situation?
I read your post and related to it so much. I am in a very similar situation, reading your post felt like reading my own diary! I would love to hear if anything has changed, if you found a way to make things work (or didn't :( ) or if your hubby has listened to your thoughts and feelings?
All the best xx
To be fair, opposites attract sometimes. I have a neurotypical partner and I find that we're able to help each other, as our differently-wired brains allow us to see things from different perspectives. He also really helps me to make sense of social situations, and he has a very calming effect when I'm having a meltdown.
If you really love him and care about him, try not to focus too much on whether or not you might be compatible. Just try to encourage open communication so that you can both share your feelings and feel listened to.
In terms of getting an autism diagnosis, it's something that only he can decide. Many people choose never to explore diagnosis, and there's nothing wrong with that. Rather than focusing on autism (as that may be making him defensive), perhaps you could focus your conversations on the things that make him anxious and how you could both work through that? If it's difficult to have a conversation, maybe you could write him a letter to give him time to reflect on what you're saying. Remember to tell him what you love about him too, and why his wellbeing is so important to you - try not to make it sound like a character assassination.
Wishing you all the best.
Hello Hermione,
I do understand where you are coming from. However, you must try remember that the brain of an Autistic person is "Wired" differently to that of the average person. In other words, we have our own unique way of doing things. This is simply because it suits our psyche.
My Mum has states to me that I do things that drive her up the wall i.e. going out at a certain time to complete errands. However, since my diagnosis, she has made allowances. She now understands why I do a lot of the things that I do i.e. If I was given a numbered list of tasks, I would go through it by number, regardless of whether or not the tasks were in order.
I hope this helps.
Not really. He is very sociable most of the time. Sometimes he opts out whilst in a social gathering and will sit on his own for a bit and he certainly doesn’t keep in touch with any of his friends and family. He doesn’t really understand jokes or sarcasm but is quick to laugh if he sees that is the appropriate response.
Does your husband have social communication difficulties (difficulties with using/understanding reciprocal conversation; tone of voice; body language; eye contact; double meanings etc) and restricted and repetitive behaviours (fixations and obsessions)?
Thank you for your help. I will certainly think about all your suggestions. DH is mortified that I believe he has ASD but he doesn’t know and can’t see how he can fix something that isn’t there. I wish he had your insight.
i agree with Plastic he seems very set in his ways , inflexible and hard to get on with. DId you mention the marriage couselling to him ? Is that a non starter as well ?
Like plastic says we are only seeing one side. The counselor will be able to tell how how serious your situation is if he/she can get u both to appear together.
I would also get new friends that you can go out with , without your husband as a break from him in short term. Or simply go more without him on your own if need be, again to get a break from him. Would that be an idea worth trying ?
Could u leave him for a week - a reasonably period eg to go on a holiday , look after someone or a working holiday some excuse to get away for a while. Is that an idea worth thinking about ? What would happen do you think?
I am so out of my depth in giving relationship advice thus the relationship/marriage counselor mentioned above !
that is hard to tell as everyone ( NeuroTypical or Autistic ) is still an individual.
From all the things you've said on the other threads, his thinking sounds too rigid to allow for a close, intimate relationship - he sounds more compatible with someone who would mother him and make no demands of him - the perpetual mother/child relationship.
But of course, that's just my impression from a one-sided view.
I hadn’t thought of it like that as incompatible. Would he be compatible with another aspie do you think?
married to someone with autism. said:He categorically refuses to believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking
That's because there aren't any problems in his world - it's just that his thinking is totally incompatible with your thinking. I suspect you have some difficult decisions to make.