Published on 12, July, 2020
My DH is autistic-undiagnosed but he has many autistic idiosyncrasies. He is extremely clumsy-walks into walls, bangs his head on ceilings and beams, stubs his toes many times a week. Breaks glasses and mugs often. He had a terrible fear of doing wrong, letting people down and is always looking for the worst case scenario in every situation. He is unable to delegate, can’t stop doing something unless he finishes it and is hopeless at prioritising- often choosing to do something that is completely unnecessary when another task desperately needs doing. He adopts accents depending on where he is and who he is speaking to- he has a specific accent for when he is at work for example, one for when he’s speaking to workmen and another rather oddly for when he’s looking around houses( we recently moved). He hasn’t progressed at work ever since I’ve known him as he doesn’t put himself forward for fear of offending someone and being sacked. He sees everything from his point of view and from his here and now, my opinions rarely count
Last week I had another conversation about how I find life with him very difficult because of all the above. He categorically refuses to believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking saying that I am exaggerating and finding fault when there isn’t any. What do I do??? I can’t carry on like this anymore?
married to someone with autism. said:He categorically refuses to believe there is anything wrong with his way of thinking
That's because there aren't any problems in his world - it's just that his thinking is totally incompatible with your thinking. I suspect you have some difficult decisions to make.
I hadn’t thought of it like that as incompatible. Would he be compatible with another aspie do you think?
To be fair, opposites attract sometimes. I have a neurotypical partner and I find that we're able to help each other, as our differently-wired brains allow us to see things from different perspectives. He also really helps me to make sense of social situations, and he has a very calming effect when I'm having a meltdown.
If you really love him and care about him, try not to focus too much on whether or not you might be compatible. Just try to encourage open communication so that you can both share your feelings and feel listened to.
In terms of getting an autism diagnosis, it's something that only he can decide. Many people choose never to explore diagnosis, and there's nothing wrong with that. Rather than focusing on autism (as that may be making him defensive), perhaps you could focus your conversations on the things that make him anxious and how you could both work through that? If it's difficult to have a conversation, maybe you could write him a letter to give him time to reflect on what you're saying. Remember to tell him what you love about him too, and why his wellbeing is so important to you - try not to make it sound like a character assassination.
Wishing you all the best.