Published on 12, July, 2020
I walked 10 miles today until my legs and feet felt they would give way, that's the only way I could stop myself from screaming in despair.
While out walking I gesticulated wildly with my arms and hands and a few people laughed at me.
No surprises there. There isn't much compassion or intelligence in this world.
I saw Mark Lawrenson the football pundit chatting to his family then getting in his car and driving off, while on my walk.
Tried to talk to a few people but predictably NTs being NTs, they didn't want to as I was a stranger and I didn't follow the oh-so-stupid rules of small talk that are unbearable to me.
Now maybe this time will pass, in this moment this all seems so important, it's hard to believe I will ever find what I'm looking for, when at this juncture I feel this low.
How many people have to die from suicide and on the streets and from alcohol and drug abuse before people stop turning their heads and pretending they don't see?
The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.
1866 under 35s died by suicide in 2018.
Some of it was in a city I got a train to, some of it was on the beach and around the streets of my town.
Sometimes people in my town might be willing to talk, it's rare to find anyone I feel I can approach though, they have to look very trustworthy, in other towns I lived in approaching the wrong person can lead to awkwardness further down the line.
Long walks are good. At least yesterday was a nice sunny autumn day.
I find people react differently towards me in different environments.
On city streets, strangers do not say hello or greet each other. It's seen as weird. But on walks in the woods and countryside it's seen as normal and the polite thing to say.
Where did you take your 10 mile walk?
Right there with you mate.
My GP's practice also has information leaflets about all sorts of things, depression, mental health, suicidal feelings. Phone or fill out online questionnaire.
Tried to phone, phone engaged.
Filled out online questionnaire, feedback told me I was beyond their help and recommended I seek professional help.
Every time I've tried to get help from GPs, the mental health team, the Autism team, A&E, social services, charities, etc. it's all a waste of time.
The system systematically discriminates against people like me. I struggle to communicate face-to-face, am very shy and nervous around people, I have trauma from my past, I'm severely socially isolated, have never had romance, am treated suspiciously by security guards in some supermarkets I use because I sometimes rush out in a panic attack and they've assumed I might be stealing things (so I even struggle with shopping), haven't had friends for years, the government does not fund effective help for any of this.
And yet the Samaritans are all too eager to get me off the phone after 15-20 minutes. And wherever I go it's passed from one pillar to another post. And ordinary people think the system should be the one to help me. If I ask them for any help, they think to themselves no that's what my taxes pay for, for social services, the NHS etc.
It's a byzantine mess, where nothing makes sense.
The head. I called the Samaritans, they are eager to get off the phone, quite simply no one cares. I need someone to understand what this pain feels like. People don't want to. They can give advice but they can't feel it.
in head or where ?
Anton Chekhov. whats he all about ?
I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. Try not to think about the people who laughed - some people are so small-minded.
Is there anything you can do to take your mind off things? Maybe a special interest?
Take good care of yourself.
AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
All I feel right now is PAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
Suppose that's good in a way. Meep meep!
Now you mention it I hear it too. The guitar playing sounds similar. Painkiller by the Turin Breaks is a good song.
Strangely sounds like The Turin breaks? don't know why I think that?
Thanks not great but I have been like the road runner today so not too much time to think
Music dulls the pain as May said in Lexx. I'll give them a listen. I posted a song above I've had on. Hope things are getting better for you too.
Food allergies...
Fatigue...
There was an Autism group, it closed...
Time...
Space...
Happiness...
Family breakdown...
Not completely broken, confusing...
Dilemmas...
Attention deficit...
Be a good boy, take your medication, lower your voice...
Just enough education to perform...
Education, education, education...
Romeo & Juliet GCSE English...
Lack of imagination...
I wish I had someone to watch Seinfeld with, why can't I be funny like George or Jerry...
I hate goodbyes, please don't be offended if I hang up the phone without a proper goodbye...
Communication deficits, Anton Chekhov...
Whatever happened to modernism... and Post-Modernism, why are there no Post-Modernist buildings around here...
... ... ... morse code ... ... ...
Mum, can I have a plate of chips please?...
Sorry...
As you were...
Sorry you are feeling so low. You can shake your hands here if you like, nobody will look funny at you... Yep people can be total d!cks!
listen to some Frank Carter and the Rattlesnakes, that helped me..
Sorry you're feeling like this. Are there any groups for autistic people nearby? Maybe spending time with similar people will be helpful?
I find that older people tend to be more open to having a chat but equally I've been on walks where I've said hello (just whilst passing) 20 times and not one replied. Don't give up though. I've also had some really nice chats at bus stops, in parks etc.