A Thursday

I walked 10 miles today until my legs and feet felt they would give way, that's the only way I could stop myself from screaming in despair.

While out walking I gesticulated wildly with my arms and hands and a few people laughed at me.

No surprises there. There isn't much compassion or intelligence in this world.

I saw Mark Lawrenson the football pundit chatting to his family then getting in his car and driving off, while on my walk.

Tried to talk to a few people but predictably NTs being NTs, they didn't want to as I was a stranger and I didn't follow the oh-so-stupid rules of small talk that are unbearable to me.

Now maybe this time will pass, in this moment this all seems so important, it's hard to believe I will ever find what I'm looking for, when at this juncture I feel this low.

Parents Reply Children
  • How many people have to die from suicide and on the streets and from alcohol and drug abuse before people stop turning their heads and pretending they don't see?

    The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind. The answer is blowing in the wind.

    1866 under 35s died by suicide in 2018.

  • Right there with you mate.

    My GP's practice also has information leaflets about all sorts of things, depression, mental health,  suicidal feelings.  Phone or fill out online questionnaire. 

    Tried to phone, phone engaged. 

    Filled out online questionnaire,  feedback told me I was beyond their help and recommended I seek professional help.

  • Every time I've tried to get help from GPs, the mental health team, the Autism team, A&E, social services, charities, etc. it's all a waste of time. 

    The system systematically discriminates against people like me. I struggle to communicate face-to-face, am very shy and nervous around people, I have trauma from my past, I'm severely socially isolated, have never had romance, am treated suspiciously by security guards in some supermarkets I use because I sometimes rush out in a panic attack and they've assumed I might be stealing things (so I even struggle with shopping), haven't had friends for years, the government does not fund effective help for any of this.

    And yet the Samaritans are all too eager to get me off the phone after 15-20 minutes. And wherever I go it's passed from one pillar to another post. And ordinary people think the system should be the one to help me. If I ask them for any help, they think to themselves no that's what my taxes pay for, for social services, the NHS etc. 

    It's a byzantine mess, where nothing makes sense.

  • The head. I called the Samaritans, they are eager to get off the phone, quite simply no one cares. I need someone to understand what this pain feels like. People don't want to. They can give advice but they can't feel it.