Anyone else allow themselves to be picked on?

After reading this just yesterday. I had to report a guy who lives on my street a few years ago for harassment and general creepy behaviour. Later found out from neighbour that years ago he was accused of rape. Fast forward to now and I mentioned to a nsighbour I think hes starting up again

 Caught him 3 times stopped outside my home in his car staring In. My neighbour said maybe looking at garden as I do spend alot of time and do get people looking so thought ok.

Then I look up when I'm out and hes staring over. I was talking to new neighbours up the street and he walked past slowly then walked back again

All things I'm brushing off thinking okay maybe this or that.

Just been to the back of the houses. A secluded car park area Where we put our bins. As I walked down I saw him in the car park opposite in his neighbours car I carried on walking. The car follows me slowly, all the way to secluded car park which is a dead end. Stops and waits

 I put rubbish in the bin and walk back..... he follows and drives off. My anxious brain from past experiences with this man?  I'm nervous today. Recently he was staring but I was also close to melt down so yelled at him take a picture u stare at me often enough. I'm not interested in creepy old men and I record all you do anyway.

I shouldnt of lashes out. He only does it when my husbands away for work. Just feel so anxious and it's too much

At work, my brain says no but my mouth says yes. In life, my brain says "this isn't right" but my mouth doesn't say anything. Or, my body doesn't feel right in terms of feelings,  but my brain doesn't understand why till some time later. I totally understand this delay which has been mentioned.

I'm self-diagnosed. Asking my mum about my childhood she said I was "picked on" at primary school. Eg The girls who were my "friends" used to run away and hide from me. My mum said I didn't realise this was bad behaviour at the time. I think a non-AS child would have confronted the girls about this.

At high school I was "picked on" (bullied) by a girl - V. I sat opposite her in one of my classes why I didn't move tables I don't know. I showed her how to draw a star because she couldnt do it. Why did I help the bully? Most other kids would have told her where to go!

I find it difficult to articulate myself when emotions are high. My words may come out jumbled up which would only give the other side more ammunition. So maybe that's another reason why there is a delay. So I have time to formulate exactly what I want to say. (The trait of "perfectionism" in AS maybe?)

At work i most always say yes. I never speak up if I'm not comfortable with something. Sometimes I don't realise I disagree with something till I get home.  My manager is great and I can go back to her and say ive changed my mind after its sunk in. I'm not sure how much of its to do with being a people pleaser.  I'm getting stronger but this delay makes it harder. I can't just weigh something up there and then. Asi have realised this often now say "il get back to you". I think my current anxiety episode which is taking months to get on top of is a lot down to just getting on with things at work and not speaking up as I know others would.  

I wouldn't say I allow people to bully or pick on me or take advantage but I can totally identify with this "delay"which had been mentioned. It just takes time for me yo weigh upand realise how i ferl about something. This happens even at home. I wonder how much of it also is down to the notion that females with AS are keen to appease and comply. I also identify with whoever said they don't like the conflict if they say no!

Go easy on yourself. I don't think anyone knowingly allows themselves to be picked on. It might be you're an easy target from their point of view and if like you say you don't understand the feeling of being bullied maybe the others pick up on this.  It sounds like there's lots of things at play here. I'm sure you will come out the other side of this with more self realisation which will help you in the future.

To add to what I have written before. The pardox becomes one of should you complain about unprofessional behaviour that leads to a break down? Even if that behaviour does not offend you in any major way since you are so compliant that you have spent your life unable to stand up for yourself?

It is very hard soemtimes for my colleagues who try and support me to understand how my brain works when I process things like this.

TomTomHarris

I think you will find the experience of discussing your life with an assessor who really would understand everything you spoke about an entirely different affair and get a hell of a lot more out of it than your reluctance to go through it all again would seem to indicate.

In Short: Go For It!

I had never felt before that anyone "got" exactly who I am and I had that feeling right from the start. Nearly everything I had heard in the past about my "difficulties" from health care professionals-with the honourable exception of my current practice-just seemed like so many platitudes and their frequent offers of Seroxat-type anti-depressants felt more and more of an insult. The assessment process is a lot more thorough and you will be encouraged to speak freely-which I urge you most strongly to do. This is the rarest of opportunities, you have the possibility of acquiring some truly life-changing knowledge and get some answers to the million and one questions you must have about the way your life has panned out the way it has.

Maybe I was lucky with my assessor, I went in alone and felt very much at ease throughout. I can't promise the same for you but I really do think that it is worth going through with as you will get to understand yourself a little better whatever the diagnosis and that is of great value in itself and something you can build upon. It will be a long process but worth every single step because you will be able to change your life, your greater self-knowledge will make you a more focussed and positive human being..

This will sound strange but I can explain on here about my struggles, if someone opens a post for example but if i was to say why i think im on the spectrum i struggle. My GP thinks I'm possibly Autistic but the last time I saw her there was no services. She said even if there was a diagnostic service for adults theres no support. My CBT therapist thinksI should get a diagnosis but I dont want to have to explain myself all over again yet I really want to know there is a reason for my struggles. I hope that rambling make's sense. It's good to have back up. 

Just to add as well I won't commit on decisions. I always sit on the fence. Even things like what do I want for tea will result in me giving a non-committal response.

I think it's a safety barrier so that if I say x and the decision is y it will leave me feeling weakened and vulnerable. Also I'm just not very good at making decisions. I never seem to have strong opinions on things unless it's something I'm passionate about related to my obsessiveness; e.g. cruelty to wildlife. Day to day things just don't seem important enough to have opinions on. I think this can all lead to being manipulated.

Yeah - this is why I don't think "bullied" i quite the right word. Because you are complicit in how others treat you. It seems to be a trait of Autism that yuo are so over-accomodating of other's needs that you practically invite others to repeatedly cross the line in how they treat you.

It takes two to tango. As such - I feel like blaming myself more than anyone else when I analyze how others treat me. Then again others tell me it is basic human deceny not to take advantage of others just because they allow you to get away with it.

I keep going round in circles on this issue.

Anyway - thanks for your response. It i definitely one I can relate to.

TomTomHarris

I was bullied at school throughout Primary, Middle and High School.

However I think this goes beyond bullying; I will go out of my way to make sure I'm complicit to ensure others benefit. I've always been the one who will walk if there's only room to give so many a lift; or let everyone else choose first and leave myself with the bun I don't really like; or stand to let everyone else sit. The list is endless.

I'll always try and keep the peace. I can't handle confrontation and will do things to prevent it happening. When my daughter was going through her teens and arguing a fair bit with my wife, I'd be the one that would secretly be doing my daughter's jobs such as the dish washer to prevent confrontation. My passiveness/weakness knows no bounds. I seem to have spent my entire life saying "I'll do it."

Work colleagues have said things in the past that I should have stood up to and haven't. Sadly I've not challenged it to just ensure a quiet life.

Seems to be a bit of a trait judging by the responses.

that's a shame you hate it.  it's awful not liking or feeling settled where you live.  nice to have a good neighbour though!  
are you on the waiting list for an assessment?  Or spoken to your GP about how you feel?

My mum doesn't back me up on very much at all, and has absolutely no idea about autism.  But some days she randomly stands up for me on things, and when she does she really does!

That's great that your wife stuck up for you plastic. Good result too

Nice!  My brother wants to come to my next meeting.  He's not an expert in anything like that though, but he's about 6 foot 5 and does lots of gym work...  I'm not sure how helpful that would be!  

I hate where I've moved to as thereshouses behind us used for drug takers and people with severe mental health issues. You hear them yelling, can smell drugs sometimes and occasionally they wander round past my house. But on the other hand I finally have one neighbour I can trust! She doesnt take advantage at all. I've opened up to her that I may be autistic and I struggle to know if people are joking or serious. I also forget what people look like so I had to explain to her as I'd not seen her when out one day. Her parents live next to her and I trust them too! Their genuinely nice people with no hidden agenda. Shes also warned me about people! She dont try to come around and we chat in the garden sometimes it's perfect! 

I beat myself up so many times about my past as theres so much more and so much worse I've gone through but dont know why.

It's good you have your mum. I've never fitted in with my family and felt adopted. Eventually I gave up. I tried talking g to her about possibly having autism but she replied theres no such thing as autism

I ended up in a situation at work where my wife had to come in and support me in complex HR meetings - luckily, they had no idea that she was a HR expert backed up by a union rep and another HR specialist.

She wiped the floor with them and got me a generous severance package.

I don't understand at all why people are so horrible at work, and why they need to bully people.  I raised what was happening to me formally, and I have kept documentation of everything.  People say I do really well to stand up for myself, but I don't think I do at all.  I have raised the problem formally, which has made it all worse, maybe because there is a more structured process?, but I can't just say during the time I'm being bullied that it's not acceptable.  I HATE confrontation, and I don't know how to raise things, especially with people I'm not comfortable with.  I've been thinking over the last few weeks I can see why on a lot of the advice for managing an autistic employee websites they say having a workplace mentor or buddy might help.  I've always worked really hard and like to try hard and take pride in what I do, but an overbearing manager can hinder everything and I just shut down.  And like you, I'm often too honest and open, if I'm asked something specifically, I answer.  I don't lie or try and think of the correct answer, I just answer.  I've learnt, and been warned, that HR are definitely NOT there to help you, they are there for the managers only, so stop being so open and honest with them when they ask questions.  I just don't get all of it.  

That's scary letting someone in like that, but I can see myself doing the same. And then hating myself after for being so stupid and worrying about it constantly.  And again I'd be the same as you with a pushy neighbour like that!  I'd be so angry inside, but not sure how to deal with it or what to do, and not wanting any confrontation.  I don't understand it, why it's so difficult to deal with these things.  My mums had to come and sort situations out for me when people have taken advantage, or when I've been in dangerous situations.

Blackbird said:

This "Denial of Self" is what makes it so easy for the cheap, casual bully to start

Yes - diminishing myself into nothingness is the end result.  Needs = weakness = leverage point for bullies.

Oh wow! The first 3 quarters of this described me! I didnt think of it as an asd trait but maybe just me. Work colleagues had to tell me I was being bullied by my boss and manager. I was super anxious there and worked so hard but I was always getting pulled into a meeting room and yelled at. It was too much 3 people yelling st me at once I'd just sit in silence theyd be telling me to talk but i couldnt physically talk. One time i was so over helmed i burst into tears and left as i felt so over whelmed. It was after a colleague pointed it out i decided to start keeping evidence. So next time they pulled me in as I'd left a blank space in an email instead of the one space at the end before my signature there were 2. Theyd highlighted it and wrote why would you do this. I asked to keep the print out as evidence. I also stated I wanted my colleague to attend said meetings with me and that I'd record them. No more 'meetings' but they did make my working time unbearable until I quit. I did also tell the manager I may be autistic but it made her worse. Joys of working for a small company. I completed my tasks well above expectations yet was a target. 

I dont understand the joy people take from bullying.

I'm also too open, I'll answer any question honestly. Over the years I've had so many bad experiences where I didnt know what to do. This lead to me being so confused I tried taking my own life twice. When I googled my issues, autism kept coming up! I was 37 by then.

A few of my experiences for example....

I was expecting my mum to visit and as she travelled far she arrived very early morning usually. 6am a knock so I answer, a lady says shes having a panic attack can she come in. I say I'll call help but she talks me into letting her in. She stays in my home, I try telling her to go I fail. I panic as I dont know what to do. I'm overwhelmed. Police are emergency only this isnt emergency so I cant call I dont know what to do. 

Eventually after taking any food and alcohol she can find she leaves. I'm a nervous wreck.

My husband who works away from home a month at a time suggests I make friends with a neighbour who has children as I'm lonely. Again I cant say no.shes very pushy. If I pretend I'm out she dont go away and waits outside. Manages to take my food and bring her family to be fed. Why cant I say no I'm not comfortable but am I scared I dont know what to do. She may also be stealing from me. I eventually move just to get out of the situation. Firstly living on floors until I find a place. 

All these years I beat myself up thinking why cant I stick up for myself. But now I'm finally finding my feet. I've started saying no or I need to think about it first. I know my limitations. People hate that I now say no but I dont care as that means they arent worth my time

I'm scared by memories as that's 2 of my milder experiences. But if I'd of had help I could of coped better

I almost feel like I could have written this.  During my assessment one of the things they asked me was something about people telling me to do things, and I think they were looking to see whether people take advantage of me or not.  I agree with the poster who replied saying about a time processing thing.  I've been in meetings at work and my boss has openly bullied or been incredibly rude to me, and I just sit there and take it.  It's like I hear it, and my mind somewhere in the distance says that's really unfair and not acceptable.  But no words come out.  When I say to my family later that day or to a friend what was said, and I can recall what was said word for word, they always say 'why didn't you say this or that or tell him to **** off!'  It's like I know I should reply, but I just shut down instead.  When I was at school and people picked on me I learned to just laugh at myself and agree with them, and they got bored.

I too know all about bullying (being on the receiving end, that is) I attribute it to the fact that I was absolutely hated by my father-who somehow managed to convince himself that I was not his son despite our obvious physical similarities.This was from birth literally as he initially refused to allow my mother to bring me home for a week after I was born and so I was left alone there for the whole time-please don't weep for me, I know others who had it a lot worse.. He was very violent and generally abusive and there was nobody to turn to for help and I had no friends-anybody I knew stayed well away from our house. I think I taught myself not to feel very much, to ignore the pain from my frequent vicious beatings and bury the regular humiliations somewhere deep as a self-defence mechanism. It is this mechanism which prevents me from really taking in what is going on around me and happening to me, it's easier not to care-or at least not show that I care. This "Denial of Self" is what makes it so easy for the cheap, casual bully to start , I tell myself I do not need a defensive shell, that I can stick it out and take all of the abuse they care to level at me and perhaps, in time they will tire of it and either just give up or start picking on someone else but it never works out like that, the bullying is one of the main reasons I find it so much easier to be alone, it is  not the only reason  by any means as it is simply one of the many consequences of my upbringing and my autistic condition, unfortunately, this has carried on throughout my life and I find it very difficult to defend myself as I am never sure when I am being simply teased or really being taken the p%%% out of, this makes me a figure of fun which then turns into derision and contempt because I am seen as someone who is too scared to stand up for himself, I would say that this is not the case, I just don't ever seem able to grasp what is going on until it is too late and feel I am in a perpetual " No Win" situation because whatever I say or do can be turned into something which the low-life's I seem to encounter everywhere can make into something to hurl back at me.

Now I am diagnosed with autism I am trying ( rather desperately ) to put some distance between that old self and the new one which wants to emerge. It is not easy , I have been trying to get out there and engage with people but as I never get anything other than the same responses I have known all of my life it is very discouraging.

I don't see any way out of it as the patterns of behaviour I have adopted (for mere survival) are so well-entrenched, we are only here ONCE though so despite my deep misgivings about the whole damned farce and the sheer and utter pointlessness of it all, I am determined to find at least some contentment and peace of mind before I die so I'll just keep trying.................

Absolutely - the need to have done the right thing to feel comfortable within yourself means you willingly do your part - and wait for the others to do theirs - and wait, and wait - but it never happens.

I've got a meeting in an hour where a whole bunch of people are going to try to off-load all their responsibilities onto me. 

I shall be strong!

I can certainly relate to this. At school my way of dealing with bullies was to be compliant and wait for them to get bored. At work I've not said "no" to things I should have, because I have a strong desire to be seen as a "good egg" and hate the conflict associated with debating the "no". I've also been taken advantage of by colleagues because of this and because I thought they were friends and I was living up to my part of the friendship "give and take", but now I question what friendship *is* and realise that my "give" was rarely repaid. I can relate to the "seen as easy going" bit and thinking that's a good thing.