I Think My Boyfriend May Have High Functioning Autism

I think my boyfriend does too. We are in early stages . Yes I get the needing reassurance thing too. Personally I read between the lines a lot. When we got to end of first normal half term together I just said “ can I ask you a question ?’ And asked how he felt things were going. Not how much does he love me .. For him to say “ yes I have struggled at times and felt a bit suffocated , but like seeing you so have wanted to get past that feeling “ is huge. My response was please please please say if you’re feeling suffocated -ok to have those feelings . We’re both busy teachers so term life is busy . He’s one of the sweetest people I have ever met . In the first flush of our relationship he used the word love and was more expressive . He doesn’t now, but will talk more in the future about us. It’s new to me , I know I have had very codependent relationships in the past and want to get past my stuff too. 

Congratulations of having potentially a partner on the spectrum.  Lucky you! He may be shy, find some conversation a little confusing or articulate his feelings verbally at times but... there are tremendous benefits if you look at the research

• Loyalty. Most of the time we just plum don’t leave people unless there’s a good reason for it. 
• Less concerned with social perception. 
• Stability. Most of us really like our routine, so if you’ve got a routine with your Autistic partner! 
• Compassion. Put away that tired old (and incorrect!) stereotype about the majority of Autistics lacking empathy, it’s bunk for the most part. There’s a plethora of compassion, but it’s shown in a different way. There’s a deep well of compassion in many Autistics I’ve known, although it’s rarely expressed in ways that Allistics try to show compassion.
• Fewer ulterior motives. Don’t get me wrong, this is a heavy “If you’ve met one Autistic…” upside.
• Conversation is rarely dull. We’re probably less interested in talking about mutual acquaintances and would rather get into the meat of conversations. 
• And, for some, sex is incredible. Obviously sensory issues are a concern and it requires some communication beforehand to figure out where are the best and worst places to touch (and really, you should be having these same talks with Allistic partners, so.) But for those who like sex, sometimes the increased sensory sensitivity can be a bonus.

:)

I go with Nope. Write it down, or have a conversation about feelings via text. I cannot discuss how I am feeling but I can write it down. I often let loose emotional issues via text message, and when things have been really bad I have written an essay. That's assuming this is his issue and he doesn't have some other issue...

And on the showing love point, if you need to be shown love in a certain way, try telling him how. I am still waiting for my wife to write down a manual on how to be romantic that I have been asking for, for around 20 years now, so I can stop any comment about me not knowing how to be.

I agree on the comments about how much you love someone. A purely subjective vague question. Try asking a black and white logical question, and you should get a straight forward answer. I will say this though, if he is like me, what he says will likely be very honest, which I think is a good thing.

Also, you need to work through the issues of doubts, as it is very important to be yourselves, relaxed, open and honest with each other for it to work.

Good luck.

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

nothing I've said above is specific to autism, because I'm not 100% sure that your quandry is specific to autism. It may have a bearing, and it may not. Keep talking here and we might find out :-).

yes, this.

A relationship that is 4 months old is still developing, it is open ended and being created . I don't know whether all couples after 4 months revert to relationship counselling. 

One thing that occurs to me not from any theory but from the way my life has played out, is that I've only ever been certain of someone's love for me when life has been difficult and that person has stood by me and for me. When life is good, you can only go on words and gestures and an assumption that these reflect love that is genuinely there.

One theory thing that I *have* come across, that seems to make sense in practice, is called something like the seven languages of love - it describes how people like to show and feel love in different ways (some of them are gifts, acts of service, physical closeness, & I can't remember the others). I have had to learn to *give* love to my wife in the way that she needs to *receive* it.

You've been with your boyfriend for four months and you're looking for something that seems, to you, to be missing. My reason for the two paragraphs above are that you might be looking for evidence in the "wrong" place. 

If it becomes a real problem, relationship counselling can be really useful, but I don't think you're at that stage. It's tricky to say much more without making assumptions, and, please bear in mind, I'm doing my best based on my experience and I'm no expert.

By the way, nothing I've said above is specific to autism, because I'm not 100% sure that your quandry is specific to autism. It may have a bearing, and it may not. Keep talking here and we might find out :-).

Any relationship has this element of fluidity, uncertainty, tension.

As Plastic puts it: "How much do you love me?" - Errrrr. In any relationship the answer is being written on the flowing river. Eventually you may get even closer, get married, have kids, stay together until death, but who knows. None of you know the definite answer.

I had quite a few relationships before marriage, but I don't remember men talking much about their feelings. Is it autistic me, or do men generally struggle with expressing emotion? There was this book 'Women are from Venus, men are from Mars' or something like that.

Do women really like talking about feelings? I personally prefer doing something loving, rather than talking about feelings.. 

A more actionable approach could be doing things together that make you closer, that are expressions of your connection. Talking about things that are meaningful for both of you.

Are there conversation topics that he is more likely to engage in? Do you talk about your work or studies?  What resonates and touches both of you?

You may be inadvertently asking him to define something that is abstract - "How much do you love me?" - Errrrr - dunno.  It will cause an internal processing glitch while he sorts through thousands of combinations trying to find an answer that best fits the situation - unfortunately, the time taken to do this processing means the conversation stops and then you will be annoyed at not getting the answer you're expecting.  

This will cause further processing problems for him as the request has changed and your apparent emotion has changed half way through.

Social situations are the same thing - so many random, unpredictable events and expectations that he will be overloaded trying to please everyone with conflicting data.

Try writing to him to give him time to process an answer or chat with him and be very explicit in what your needs are but keep any emotion out of the discussion so he can absorb the plain data.  

Visible emotions will confuse the conversation.