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I Think My Boyfriend May Have High Functioning Autism

NAS63143

Let me add***** this is not the reason I suspect he is HFA, there’s a lot of other signs this is just what I’m currently struggling with 

My boyfriend and I have only been together for about 4 months and I suspect he has HFA. He definitely isn’t aware of it. It’s almost like he’s afraid to be vulnerable with me and any discussion about feelings and emotion is very hard for him. 

I never get reassurance about how he feels about me and that’s been so difficult. He shows his affection for me physically like holding my hand and kissing me often, being very aware of me, but never verbally. We’ve talked about it and he says he knows he doesn’t show emotion and it’s difficult for him to, but he’s working on it. And I don’t want to force him to do that if it makes him uncomfortable but I also need some kind of reassurance. 

Any kind of conversation about anything deeper than surface level is also hard. He doesn’t start the conversation, ever, and when I do, he closes it off if it’s a deeper subject. He does it unintentionally for sure. I told him he can be comfortable with me and he says he is he’s just not good at showing emotion or being vulnerable.

Hes a very introverted person, he’s shy in social situations, and I think he has a hard time understanding how I feel and knowing what I need. I personally have no idea what to do, how to bring it up to him, or anything. I just need him to be more attentive to me show more love pretty much. Needing advice. I feel like I’ve left out some detail too so if you have questions please ask away. 

Parents

  • One thing that occurs to me not from any theory but from the way my life has played out, is that I've only ever been certain of someone's love for me when life has been difficult and that person has stood by me and for me. When life is good, you can only go on words and gestures and an assumption that these reflect love that is genuinely there.

    One theory thing that I *have* come across, that seems to make sense in practice, is called something like the seven languages of love - it describes how people like to show and feel love in different ways (some of them are gifts, acts of service, physical closeness, & I can't remember the others). I have had to learn to *give* love to my wife in the way that she needs to *receive* it.

    You've been with your boyfriend for four months and you're looking for something that seems, to you, to be missing. My reason for the two paragraphs above are that you might be looking for evidence in the "wrong" place. 

    If it becomes a real problem, relationship counselling can be really useful, but I don't think you're at that stage. It's tricky to say much more without making assumptions, and, please bear in mind, I'm doing my best based on my experience and I'm no expert.

    By the way, nothing I've said above is specific to autism, because I'm not 100% sure that your quandry is specific to autism. It may have a bearing, and it may not. Keep talking here and we might find out :-).

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  • One thing that occurs to me not from any theory but from the way my life has played out, is that I've only ever been certain of someone's love for me when life has been difficult and that person has stood by me and for me. When life is good, you can only go on words and gestures and an assumption that these reflect love that is genuinely there.

    One theory thing that I *have* come across, that seems to make sense in practice, is called something like the seven languages of love - it describes how people like to show and feel love in different ways (some of them are gifts, acts of service, physical closeness, & I can't remember the others). I have had to learn to *give* love to my wife in the way that she needs to *receive* it.

    You've been with your boyfriend for four months and you're looking for something that seems, to you, to be missing. My reason for the two paragraphs above are that you might be looking for evidence in the "wrong" place. 

    If it becomes a real problem, relationship counselling can be really useful, but I don't think you're at that stage. It's tricky to say much more without making assumptions, and, please bear in mind, I'm doing my best based on my experience and I'm no expert.

    By the way, nothing I've said above is specific to autism, because I'm not 100% sure that your quandry is specific to autism. It may have a bearing, and it may not. Keep talking here and we might find out :-).

Children