Post Diagnosis Blues

Thanks Kitsune - I haven't even read the report yet... just can't face it feeling like this.

Session today with my psychologist was supposed to be to go through it but she could see I was struggling (my eyes were a bit leaky) so we talked about what can be done to support me and 'functional utility' rather than going over all the negative stuff that's been said in previous sessions anyway.

I think maybe these reports need 2 halves - the 'diagnosis by deficit' part then a 'But hey! They are AWESOME at this stuff!' part.

Just feeling 'broken' right now... a crisis point lead me to seek diagnosis and I've been told I've basically got another 4 or 5 decades of the same *** ahead of me...

I'll be OK, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon...

Yeah, I think there's been a few of us feeling a bit rubbish on here this week. I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling too!

The report can be very difficult to read. It does what it's supposed to do in that it gives detailed evidence of autism spectrum disorder but I found mine extremely personal and it was difficult to read my deficits as perceived by another person. Reading mine cut me deep, it hurt! Are you finding your report a difficult read?

It's natural that you're going to feel a bit conflicted at the moment, I guess that while you may have sought this diagnosis and there were reasons for that, it's also a lot to take in when you get it confirmed in writing that yes you are autistic. It's something that I'm still coming to terms with and that will probably take me a while to fully come to terms with.

I can see why you might feel like taking a break from the forums but I hope you stay, there are many people here who have been through the experience of being diagnosed as an adult and have been at the point of feeling how you feel now. This forum can be an invaluable source of support to you over the coming months and years as you get your head around 'being autistic'.

yeah my boss is really good so that is a help, thanks

Must be something in the water at the moment (or maybe it's the heat?) I'm bumping along on zero spoons today...

Picked up my official diagnosis report today too so I guess that has an impact.

So fed-up with autism right now, I just 'want my life back'...

Going to take a break from the forums I think.

Thank you!

I really appreciate all the threads that you start, they're interesting and thought provoking.

This will pass!

Thank you Cloudy Mountains :-) 

I try not to get into second guessing myself but occasionally it catches me!

I really value your insights into how things have affected you since diagnosis.

Thank you for being supportive.

Thank You DC :-) 

I guess that for all our vulnerabilities, we also have many strengths. 

I find that having a whole new world opened up to me is mostly a good thing and mostly something that I embrace, but I m still new to this world so sometimes I slip and stumble a bit.

No worries about the long reply. Thank you for understanding :-)

Awesome understand

I hope that things get better for you soon. Lots of change all at once is never a good thing! Do you have anyone that can support you with work?

Thank you :-)

It is and I'm sorry that you feel vulnerable too!

Thank you, I doubt that they even remember saying it and probably just said it as something to say rather than because they really meant it, it's just one of those things that has stuck in my head!

I think Autistic solidarity is a good way to go, safety in numbers right? Thank you, I'm pleased with how the group is going and the connections that I've made because of it.

thanks   Kitsune and  @cloudy    I guess it's just coz it;s really busy at work, lots of change coming up etc etc. All throws me a bit!

I can relate to the "blindly trusting people" part!

Anyway I just wanted to say that I've always valued your presence here and responses to my posts. Try to be kind to yourself - I'm sure you know the usual phrases like "Don't compare yourself to others" etc.

This too shall pass.

The first year or so was hard for me, a lot of questions, but in the end you are still the same person. Hope things pick up for you.

Kitsune said:

Some one told me years ago that I was a joke and that's honestly what a feel like right now, a joke.

*** them. Where are they now? Don't give them any power over you. They aren't relevant, just another *** to be ignored.

If someone isn't part of your life or actually being constructive, never give them that power.

Sorry to hear you are down Kit, you bring a lot to the forum, and are one of the most genuine people I've had the pleasure to meet here.

I had fallout from diagnosis too. Started second guessing everything about myself. It's hard. I've said it before here but you can kind of lose yourself in it all. "Did X,Y,or Z happen because I'm autistic", "Do I appear as X, Y, or Z because I'm autistic" and the list goes on.

As far as I can say I just see you as a good person, strong, and considerate.

You are the same person you were before diagnosis. Don't let the vacuum of self-doubt, and second guessing your every move put you into a spiral. Second guessing the rest of the world can make you paranoid, and alienate you.

You know what works for you, and you are only just finding out how to improve the stuff that doesn't. Try not to create problems, just work on solutions.

I hope this is a blip for you.

Kitsune said:

I usually always try to keep positive and upbeat but I’m just feeling really overwhelmed by how socially naive my dual neurological diagnosis makes me. 

Yeah, you are upbeat and positive. That's a good thing. Just think that if you weren't you wouldn't have got through life up to this point. As for being naive I really don't see it, you are pretty savvy! You've given me solid advice before, lots.

A diagnosis is a head *** at stages, but it's just a piece of paper. It expliains a bit of stuff but doesn't change who we are deep down. A wise lady once told me after my diagnosis "I have autism, autism doesn't have me". That put things into perspective for me, things started to make sense when I applied it to myself.

Stay being you, the world is better for it.

It is scary feeling vulnerable. I have that feeling too.

The person who called you a joke is a... well I won't type it here, but please don't take to heart what they said.

Perhaps if us Autistics stick together we are not as vulnerable as we feel. In that respect you're more than doing your bit, running the local women's Autistic group.

To Kitsun(e), The Fantastic Miss Fox...

Not sure what to say, but here is one of them "stories to show that You are totally not alone"...
...With regards to being 'naive and trusting', I still do that as well. But I have the 'Weapons' of Logic and Experience nowadays, with awareness of Irony. (Irony is a thing not always associated with Autism.)
...Up until about age 25, I used to blindly & Totally Trust Everything which was said at Me and To Me and About Me. Up to age 30, I finally got fed up of the total contradictions between what I said and did, and what other Persons said of Me and did at Me.
At age 30, Finally, I saw that something was "not right" with life, and with the manner in which it treated Me. And so I dared to begin very VERY intensive research to find out more and to clarify any contradictions going on.
...In doing this, I found out many unique factors about (My) "Life", which seemed to be unknown/dismissed by Other Persons which I now understood... and a whole new World opened up at Me!... which to this Day is *still* denied/prevaricated/misunderstood! ... by certain others, and I continue to learn from others via the manner in which they either accept a Fact or dismiss it.

...Yes this is very vague, but it has a consistent pattern: Lying, Crime, Conforming, and even not getting a "disability" diagnosis... these all adhere to Patterns, which I had to discover all on My own... because Lying, Criminals, and conforming to be Allistic (Not Autistic) contradict eachother.

...I could say more, but this may be confusing enough already. However - Example-Facts which 'I had to find out for Myself', include Allergies, Racism, Sexism, and "Disabl-ism".
(...I was never told that I was "Autistic" - I had to PUSH for that diagnosis Myself! No-one else neither cared nor knew, until the actual Diagnosis officially occurred. Even after that, all Facts that apply to Myself are ignored, yet I know that they *are Facts*, and that it is only the Law which keeps on changing.)

...Whoops, that was a bit long! I only wrote that much out of a sort of familiarity/respect at You, Miss Fox. All of that, I was, as I say, naive /unaware of, until quite late in My Life. Make of it what You Will. (Including anyone else who reads...) I think that I should sign off, now, but Glad Tidings, as always.

...Hear Hear! (In support of both Plastic There and Miss Kitsun.)

Sorry to hear that you're having a down phase too! The weird thing is I have a good amount of friends and a busy social life, I've made other autistic friends since realising my own autism and a some of my friends that I already had are either in the process of getting assessed/diagnosed or have self diagnosed. So I'm in good company. I think I've started an epidemic though! But I'm in that horrible self doubting headspace at the moment, where I'm questioning if people really are my friends or do they just spend time with me out of pity or because they find my obliviousness entertaining! I mean how would I know, given that I can't read people? I know it will eventually pass, I'm just feeling a bit bleugh at the moment!