Removing 'the mask'

As a female currently trying to cope with life I am wondering how others cope with their 'masking' of symptoms.

For me, I have found I immediately fake a smile and make an effort to have interesting conversation and must stay alert during conversation inorder to present as normal. I have found particular problems with work. I can easily get a job. I am good at interviews and can keep my performance going for upto a month on average but then I will slowly or suddenly start to decline. I miss deadlines, I feel exhausted, stressed, disorganised, unmotivated and my work performance just gets worse. I have never lasted more than 7 months in a job.

What does 'masking' look like to you? 

  • Gosh, what you describe as masking I just thought absolutely everyone was doing all the time, but they were just better at doing it than me and more willing to put up with the daftness of social interactions. I've always been wondering why everyone talks and behaves as they do when clearly it's not working for anyone, like when couldn't we all just shake out of it and agree to interact in a way that we all wanted.

    So, what, NTs actually are ok with it all? They're mad!

  • Things that have helped.   Finding a niche, checking out the organisational culture in advance, moving to part time working, working from home, becoming self employed, finding more safe spaces in which i can be genuinely myself, judicious use of sick leave and holiday entitlements, not going for that next promotion even where it's expected, pacing myself, sticking with therapies and down time activities that help (especially gardening, for me the ultimate solitary pursuit).  Oh, getting older seems to have helped too, taking place in the background while i was doing all those other things

    I could have written this. Just swap ham radio / electronics for gardening :-)

  • What's under the mask is a slightly eccentric person who feel more like he should. 

  • I believe that if people want less to do with you when you don't mask as much that reflects more badly on them than on you.

    I find it easier to form friendships with people who have similar interests e.g. the people at the triathlon club that way the narrow subject focus is less obvious.

    Right now I have 'work colleagues' and my wife's friends who (for the most part) put up with me as 'part of the package' but some of whom have come to value me in spite of (because of?) my idiosynchrasies.

    Masking has its uses, but you can't underestimate the cost.

    Best.

  • For me the need to mask seems to be proportional to my anxiety levels, especially in the workplace.  I feel that quite often the job description, person spec, office or organisational culture almost requires me to mask as the stereotypical "person for the job" probably doesn't ressemble me.  If i mask, i'm more likely to ge tthe job.  Then the problems start.  Demands increase and my anxieties about my ability to meet them also increase.  It feels for all the world like walking the plank.  The longer I continue, the further out I get and the more wobbly i feel.  Not good, as I know from experience where this leads.

    Things that have helped.   Finding a niche, checking out the organisational culture in advance, moving to part time working, working from home, becoming self employed, finding more safe spaces in which i can be genuinely myself, judicious use of sick leave and holiday entitlements, not going for that next promotion even where it's expected, pacing myself, sticking with therapies and down time activities that help (especially gardening, for me the ultimate solitary pursuit).  Oh, getting older seems to have helped too, taking place in the background while i was doing all those other things.    

  • Maybe they don’t run screaming to the hills but they may find that the highly intellectual high functioning being they thought they knew has rigid fact based subject matter to talk about and is limited when it comes to humour spontaneity and generally quite boring to be with!

    I have met many health and safety instructors in my time as the work I do can be dangerous unless all the potentials for causing injury aren’t understood. They are generally like me, fixed on facts a strong focus on getting things right but also don’t often have any humour or so called social skills. They are often seen as the ones who create problems by worrying to much about health and safety, the men I work with see it as unnecessary as what’s wrong with common sense, often saying well that was bull s h I t wasn’t it, boring and a complete waste of time, and didn’t he go on, who needs to know all that bollocks anyway?

    In his role as tutor and fact giver he excels but isn’t liked and usually that’s all he does have to offer, I would make a great health and safety instructor :)   

    Take away the ability to fit in and be one of the tribe and it soon becomes apparent there isn’t much left and what is is only useful in a narrow field of ability.

    Dropping the mask can also show vulnerability as suddenly it becomes all to apparent the sum of the total isn’t very much at all, it allows others to see that although there are very strong abilities and great strengths, there are also huge deficits which are seen as weaknesses to exploit. 

    I have only ever had one real strong friendship and even that ended suddenly. Looking back now he had very little self esteem and was the sort to be teased due to standing out from the considered norm, he was skinny and very tall. We fitted well together as I wasn’t able to fit in as nothing seemed easy to me, I was that alien who just looked on around him never quite understanding what was going on ever. 

     I think we both needed a friend and as no one else wanted to know us we became great close friends, almost like brothers in fact. gradually as he became more confident and popular and his ability to integrate share humour and generally get along with most people he noticed me less and needed more to talk about more to laugh about and so soon went off to be with new found friends that gave him fulfilment. His new found friends became mine but they more put up with me than actually wanted to know me, it was him they liked not me, 

    I of coarse got left by myself eventually  and realised that although I have amazing strengths in certain ways I lack a huge amount of anything that would keep someone wanting to stick around.

     So keeping a mask up can have advantages, it can keep people close and can add ingredients to oneself that attract people.

    If I were to leave it off completely I would be forever alone and very sad indeed. I actually enjoy being with people and need companionship very much. I like to laugh and have a good sense of humour, it is a dry sense of humour that most don’t get, 

    I use my mask a lot less these days as I also realised it was exhausting and wasn’t me, as time continues on I find less people I work with want anything to do with me.

     Kind of sad in some ways but I don’t have to be friendly to the toxic individuals anymore.

  • 100% and the best thing? What's under the mask doesn't send people screaming for the hills...

  • Since January, I have started to remove my masks. I have started to find the real me. For forty odd years, |'ve tried to fit in. It had got the  point where I couldn't motivate myself to go to work. 

    I realised that I had been masking at work when I changed teams. I was dealing with technical things, where I was able to think out of the box.  

    As a result of letting the masks down, I have been more authentic and les anxious. 

  • The key is, you have to realise that the 'real you' is OK... that YOU are OK and it's OK not to conform - you're not doing any harm to anyone.

    That sometimes the problem is other people and their expectations, prejudices, baggage etc. and you aren't responsible for that.

    The difficulty is that because you are in a minority, the 'others' don't see that the problem is one that is theirs to solve or to at least help you to overcome... even if it's simply their acceptance or your 'otherness'.

    Sounds easy... but I'm struggling with this myself following diagnosis

  • I totally can relate to your problems. It is annoying having to be fake. Masking is part of our coping mechanisms but like you say it slowly slips and people find the real you eventually.

  • I think I mask for short periods of time but don't last very long till I end up probably actually being worse than if I never masked in the first place if that makes sense. At first, it works, maybe a week, maybe a month if I'm lucky but there is always the decline part. And then I just... well it feels like I go crazy as if suddenly releasing all that 'masked autism' 

    Though I don't think I mask as well as the other people responding here, I guess that is a given because I don't manage to keep it up as long. There is potential for a joke in that sentence. 


  • I crave to be known and accepted *soooo* much. I can't bear when someone disagrees with me because it makes me question myself and it's painful, especially if it's unexpected (like when you've been agreeing with someone and progressively sharing more and more in the same vein and then the other person says "No I don't think *that's* right!"). So I've spent my life aching to be myself but at the same time striving to please everyone else.

    I've finally started being able to live the "responsibility language" dialogue style that says "You didn't make me angry; I chose to be angry as a result of something you said or did" (and vice versa). Which helps me deal with my mother, because for 50-odd years I thought it was my job to "make" her feel adored and needed and rewarded and thanked for parenting me.

    But the best (and only) way I've found to stop myself being an attention wh*** on Facebook & Twitter and being anxious about who's still my friend or who I think I *should* friend or who's liked my post or secretly fancies me or who might (shiver!) disagree with me is to *close the accounts* - which is what I've done! :-).

  • Great reads. I particularly like this sentence:

    "So much human innovation is born from the minds and hands of Autism, so how utterly ridiculous it is to cut that source of innovation off."

  • Couple of useful blog posts:

    Spectra Blog: https://spectra.blog/news-views/autistic-masking-everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-passing-or-camouflaging-as-an-autist/

    The Autistic Advocate: https://www.theautisticadvocate.com/2018/07/masking-i-am-not-ok.html

    For me it feels like walking an invisible tightrope... I can doing OK for a while, until I get tired or someone starts twanging the rope, or people start asking me to juggle at the same time as balance on the rope...

    Then it gets tense and the anxiety builds, and I drop something I'm supposed to be juggling or someone wants me to 'come over here' - but I can't, 'cos I have to stay on my rope, but they can't see that so they get cross...

    If I'm lucky then through huge effort I get everything back under control... but sometimes it all comes crashing down... and I lay there, looking at that invisible rope and being told 'come on, just get back up'

    And I do...

    until the next time...

    ...and the next...

    ...and the next...

    ...

  • How do I cope?

    • Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
    • Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
    • Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
    • Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
    • Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
    • Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
    • Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy

    ooo last point hit!! :) - I think that is down to craving approval/acceptanece from NT others due to a perception of having to over compensate (due to my flaws) in order to be socially tolerated :)

  • Hi NAS62726 - you've described that well.

    • During face to face conversation I'm always thinking "Am I making enough eye contact? At the right moments? Can I look at the floor now? What's my body language like? What does their body language mean?" Also I find it incredibly exhausting to concentrate on one voice in the presence of others. We(*) use intellectual / conscious processes to do what others do intuitively, which over the longer term leads to exhaustion and burnout if not managed appropriately (which for me means moderating the amount of social contact, and having time to recover after anything intense).
    • In the past, when I was asked "Where shall we go on holiday this year?" I played along because going on holiday is "what people do". Now I've realised that actually I'm happier not going on holiday as the stress outweighs the benefits and I'd rather spend my resources on having a nice life all year rather than suffer for 50 weeks and party for 2. I've known for a long time that I don't really like days out, especially with kids in tow, and I'm much happier pursuing a solo hobby in peace and quiet - but again, I've said "yes" because that's what people do.
    • Similarly when I've been asked to join work colleagues for lunch, or an evening meal when travelling, I've said "yes" because that's what people do. I have enjoyed aspects of it but actually prefer being on my own.
    • I hate sending greetings cards, and get really stressed if I feel forced to choose one, and in the past, I've done it because that's what people do.
    • I've done lots of things that many people would swear you absolutely must be NT to achieve such as leading teams, making presentations, coaching people, even learning how to hypnotise people and being pretty good at it, being a good judge of character and an excellent communicator both by email, verbally and visually. But now I know that "not everything I'm good at is good for me" - and I'm no longer going to say yes to it simply because that's what people do.

    As you say, you can keep it up for a while but it comes back to bite you. For me, after leading a small team for a year and 6 months of travelling, back-to-back meetings and frustratingly slow progress I popped a fuse and went off sick for three months and then took about 18 months to recover - but I have recovered to a different place, specifically one who doesn't say yes/no just because that's what people do.

    :-)

    (*) I'm operating on the assumption that I'm autistic but I'm in the process of being diagnosed. I currently have two confirmed autistic traits but insufficient evidence of Restricted and Repetitive Behaviours / Insistence on sameness.

    How do I cope?

    • Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
    • Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
    • Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
    • Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
    • Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
    • Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
    • Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy
  • FOOTNOTE: then sometimes come the self doubt?... what is ME and what is the MASK?

  • Same for me - I can put on the performance and get through any interview.   I mask very well so pass for 'normal / nice chap'  most of the time.

    Unfortunately, when I start the job, it's the lies, secrets, falseness, politics, rule breaking, incompetence and general bad behaviour of the other staff that wears me out.   I'm having to try to work out WTF is going on and how can a company run / make profit with this bunch of chancers?

    My competence, knowledge, abilities and adherence to the rules gradually start to make the other people notice that I'm different.   Being a stickler for the rules is the big one - most of the chancers play fast & loose with honesty so falsifying data is considered normal - so they don't like it when their fake data is not accepted.   

    My ability to play nice and pretend to fit in starts to wear thin and soon they could discover my weaknesses if they were paying attention - if i was put into a difficult situation, i might not have a pre-prepared, standard answer - there would not be an appropriate mode for my mask. 

    I'm lucky that I was working on my own most of the time, but even with the limited interaction with the chancers, I've found it takes about 5 years from starting the job to being found out, to being an outcast, or a target for bullying.

  • Well expressed and it is notable that the effort of masking eventually leads to the self being worn out and tangled. 

    Trying hard to assimilate, fit in etc can protect you from being singled out as "different" or "weird" - it al very much depends HOW MUCH of yourself your are masking in order to assess the possible impact outcome as well as the length of period you feel you NEED to mask and for what reason (i.e. what is at stake if you don't).

    A day at work is ok for me. I teach, so job is "performance" and imparting my specialist subject.  BUT...as soon as I get home i try to get space to take the mask off.  Very few have seen the mask off completely.

    "Masking is not letting any of this show. Masking is maintaining that conversation. Masking is appearing as normal as the next person, whatever normal may be. The cost is exhaustion. The ultimate cost of masking is burnout. Burnout is different from tired. It is being so tired you can’t move, you can’t think, so tired you can sleep for days, so tired there is nothing left."

    https://themighty.com/2018/11/long-term-impact-autistic-masking/

  • Exactly as you have described. It used to come second nature to me but as I've got older I can't keep up the act, it's tiring. I get lost, uninterested, drift away or say odd things during conversations these days (especially those that drag on for no other reason than to avoid silence!). It's the other person's reaction that jolts me back into masking. I usually slip up and they'll suddenly stop and ask if I'm ok. Which usually offends me and puts me on the defense but I realise it's because my mask fell off!