Removing 'the mask'

Gosh, what you describe as masking I just thought absolutely everyone was doing all the time, but they were just better at doing it than me and more willing to put up with the daftness of social interactions. I've always been wondering why everyone talks and behaves as they do when clearly it's not working for anyone, like when couldn't we all just shake out of it and agree to interact in a way that we all wanted.

So, what, NTs actually are ok with it all? They're mad!

Jenny Butterfly said:

Things that have helped.   Finding a niche, checking out the organisational culture in advance, moving to part time working, working from home, becoming self employed, finding more safe spaces in which i can be genuinely myself, judicious use of sick leave and holiday entitlements, not going for that next promotion even where it's expected, pacing myself, sticking with therapies and down time activities that help (especially gardening, for me the ultimate solitary pursuit).  Oh, getting older seems to have helped too, taking place in the background while i was doing all those other things

I could have written this. Just swap ham radio / electronics for gardening :-)

For me the need to mask seems to be proportional to my anxiety levels, especially in the workplace.  I feel that quite often the job description, person spec, office or organisational culture almost requires me to mask as the stereotypical "person for the job" probably doesn't ressemble me.  If i mask, i'm more likely to ge tthe job.  Then the problems start.  Demands increase and my anxieties about my ability to meet them also increase.  It feels for all the world like walking the plank.  The longer I continue, the further out I get and the more wobbly i feel.  Not good, as I know from experience where this leads.

Things that have helped.   Finding a niche, checking out the organisational culture in advance, moving to part time working, working from home, becoming self employed, finding more safe spaces in which i can be genuinely myself, judicious use of sick leave and holiday entitlements, not going for that next promotion even where it's expected, pacing myself, sticking with therapies and down time activities that help (especially gardening, for me the ultimate solitary pursuit).  Oh, getting older seems to have helped too, taking place in the background while i was doing all those other things.    

The key is, you have to realise that the 'real you' is OK... that YOU are OK and it's OK not to conform - you're not doing any harm to anyone.

That sometimes the problem is other people and their expectations, prejudices, baggage etc. and you aren't responsible for that.

The difficulty is that because you are in a minority, the 'others' don't see that the problem is one that is theirs to solve or to at least help you to overcome... even if it's simply their acceptance or your 'otherness'.

Sounds easy... but I'm struggling with this myself following diagnosis

I totally can relate to your problems. It is annoying having to be fake. Masking is part of our coping mechanisms but like you say it slowly slips and people find the real you eventually.

I crave to be known and accepted *soooo* much. I can't bear when someone disagrees with me because it makes me question myself and it's painful, especially if it's unexpected (like when you've been agreeing with someone and progressively sharing more and more in the same vein and then the other person says "No I don't think *that's* right!"). So I've spent my life aching to be myself but at the same time striving to please everyone else.

I've finally started being able to live the "responsibility language" dialogue style that says "You didn't make me angry; I chose to be angry as a result of something you said or did" (and vice versa). Which helps me deal with my mother, because for 50-odd years I thought it was my job to "make" her feel adored and needed and rewarded and thanked for parenting me.

But the best (and only) way I've found to stop myself being an attention wh*** on Facebook & Twitter and being anxious about who's still my friend or who I think I *should* friend or who's liked my post or secretly fancies me or who might (shiver!) disagree with me is to *close the accounts* - which is what I've done! :-).

Great reads. I particularly like this sentence:

"So much human innovation is born from the minds and hands of Autism, so how utterly ridiculous it is to cut that source of innovation off."

Couple of useful blog posts:

Spectra Blog: https://spectra.blog/news-views/autistic-masking-everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-passing-or-camouflaging-as-an-autist/

The Autistic Advocate: https://www.theautisticadvocate.com/2018/07/masking-i-am-not-ok.html

For me it feels like walking an invisible tightrope... I can doing OK for a while, until I get tired or someone starts twanging the rope, or people start asking me to juggle at the same time as balance on the rope...

Then it gets tense and the anxiety builds, and I drop something I'm supposed to be juggling or someone wants me to 'come over here' - but I can't, 'cos I have to stay on my rope, but they can't see that so they get cross...

If I'm lucky then through huge effort I get everything back under control... but sometimes it all comes crashing down... and I lay there, looking at that invisible rope and being told 'come on, just get back up'

And I do...

until the next time...

...and the next...

...and the next...

...

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

How do I cope?

• Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
• Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
• Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
• Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
• Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
• Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
• Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy

ooo last point hit!! :) - I think that is down to craving approval/acceptanece from NT others due to a perception of having to over compensate (due to my flaws) in order to be socially tolerated :)

Hi NAS62726 - you've described that well.

• During face to face conversation I'm always thinking "Am I making enough eye contact? At the right moments? Can I look at the floor now? What's my body language like? What does their body language mean?" Also I find it incredibly exhausting to concentrate on one voice in the presence of others. We(*) use intellectual / conscious processes to do what others do intuitively, which over the longer term leads to exhaustion and burnout if not managed appropriately (which for me means moderating the amount of social contact, and having time to recover after anything intense).
• In the past, when I was asked "Where shall we go on holiday this year?" I played along because going on holiday is "what people do". Now I've realised that actually I'm happier not going on holiday as the stress outweighs the benefits and I'd rather spend my resources on having a nice life all year rather than suffer for 50 weeks and party for 2. I've known for a long time that I don't really like days out, especially with kids in tow, and I'm much happier pursuing a solo hobby in peace and quiet - but again, I've said "yes" because that's what people do.
• Similarly when I've been asked to join work colleagues for lunch, or an evening meal when travelling, I've said "yes" because that's what people do. I have enjoyed aspects of it but actually prefer being on my own.
• I hate sending greetings cards, and get really stressed if I feel forced to choose one, and in the past, I've done it because that's what people do.
• I've done lots of things that many people would swear you absolutely must be NT to achieve such as leading teams, making presentations, coaching people, even learning how to hypnotise people and being pretty good at it, being a good judge of character and an excellent communicator both by email, verbally and visually. But now I know that "not everything I'm good at is good for me" - and I'm no longer going to say yes to it simply because that's what people do.

As you say, you can keep it up for a while but it comes back to bite you. For me, after leading a small team for a year and 6 months of travelling, back-to-back meetings and frustratingly slow progress I popped a fuse and went off sick for three months and then took about 18 months to recover - but I have recovered to a different place, specifically one who doesn't say yes/no just because that's what people do.

:-)

(*) I'm operating on the assumption that I'm autistic but I'm in the process of being diagnosed. I currently have two confirmed autistic traits but insufficient evidence of Restricted and Repetitive Behaviours / Insistence on sameness.

How do I cope?

• Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
• Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
• Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
• Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
• Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
• Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
• Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy

FOOTNOTE: then sometimes come the self doubt?... what is ME and what is the MASK?

Same for me - I can put on the performance and get through any interview.   I mask very well so pass for 'normal / nice chap'  most of the time.

Unfortunately, when I start the job, it's the lies, secrets, falseness, politics, rule breaking, incompetence and general bad behaviour of the other staff that wears me out.   I'm having to try to work out WTF is going on and how can a company run / make profit with this bunch of chancers?

My competence, knowledge, abilities and adherence to the rules gradually start to make the other people notice that I'm different.   Being a stickler for the rules is the big one - most of the chancers play fast & loose with honesty so falsifying data is considered normal - so they don't like it when their fake data is not accepted.   

My ability to play nice and pretend to fit in starts to wear thin and soon they could discover my weaknesses if they were paying attention - if i was put into a difficult situation, i might not have a pre-prepared, standard answer - there would not be an appropriate mode for my mask. 

I'm lucky that I was working on my own most of the time, but even with the limited interaction with the chancers, I've found it takes about 5 years from starting the job to being found out, to being an outcast, or a target for bullying.

Well expressed and it is notable that the effort of masking eventually leads to the self being worn out and tangled. 

Trying hard to assimilate, fit in etc can protect you from being singled out as "different" or "weird" - it al very much depends HOW MUCH of yourself your are masking in order to assess the possible impact outcome as well as the length of period you feel you NEED to mask and for what reason (i.e. what is at stake if you don't).

A day at work is ok for me. I teach, so job is "performance" and imparting my specialist subject.  BUT...as soon as I get home i try to get space to take the mask off.  Very few have seen the mask off completely.

"Masking is not letting any of this show. Masking is maintaining that conversation. Masking is appearing as normal as the next person, whatever normal may be. The cost is exhaustion. The ultimate cost of masking is burnout. Burnout is different from tired. It is being so tired you can’t move, you can’t think, so tired you can sleep for days, so tired there is nothing left."

https://themighty.com/2018/11/long-term-impact-autistic-masking/

Exactly as you have described. It used to come second nature to me but as I've got older I can't keep up the act, it's tiring. I get lost, uninterested, drift away or say odd things during conversations these days (especially those that drag on for no other reason than to avoid silence!). It's the other person's reaction that jolts me back into masking. I usually slip up and they'll suddenly stop and ask if I'm ok. Which usually offends me and puts me on the defense but I realise it's because my mask fell off!