• Replies 14 replies
  • Subscribers 87 subscribers
  • Views 9401 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

Removing 'the mask'

NAS62726

As a female currently trying to cope with life I am wondering how others cope with their 'masking' of symptoms.

For me, I have found I immediately fake a smile and make an effort to have interesting conversation and must stay alert during conversation inorder to present as normal. I have found particular problems with work. I can easily get a job. I am good at interviews and can keep my performance going for upto a month on average but then I will slowly or suddenly start to decline. I miss deadlines, I feel exhausted, stressed, disorganised, unmotivated and my work performance just gets worse. I have never lasted more than 7 months in a job.

What does 'masking' look like to you? 

Parents

  • Hi NAS62726 - you've described that well.

    • During face to face conversation I'm always thinking "Am I making enough eye contact? At the right moments? Can I look at the floor now? What's my body language like? What does their body language mean?" Also I find it incredibly exhausting to concentrate on one voice in the presence of others. We(*) use intellectual / conscious processes to do what others do intuitively, which over the longer term leads to exhaustion and burnout if not managed appropriately (which for me means moderating the amount of social contact, and having time to recover after anything intense).
    • In the past, when I was asked "Where shall we go on holiday this year?" I played along because going on holiday is "what people do". Now I've realised that actually I'm happier not going on holiday as the stress outweighs the benefits and I'd rather spend my resources on having a nice life all year rather than suffer for 50 weeks and party for 2. I've known for a long time that I don't really like days out, especially with kids in tow, and I'm much happier pursuing a solo hobby in peace and quiet - but again, I've said "yes" because that's what people do.
    • Similarly when I've been asked to join work colleagues for lunch, or an evening meal when travelling, I've said "yes" because that's what people do. I have enjoyed aspects of it but actually prefer being on my own.
    • I hate sending greetings cards, and get really stressed if I feel forced to choose one, and in the past, I've done it because that's what people do.
    • I've done lots of things that many people would swear you absolutely must be NT to achieve such as leading teams, making presentations, coaching people, even learning how to hypnotise people and being pretty good at it, being a good judge of character and an excellent communicator both by email, verbally and visually. But now I know that "not everything I'm good at is good for me" - and I'm no longer going to say yes to it simply because that's what people do.

    As you say, you can keep it up for a while but it comes back to bite you. For me, after leading a small team for a year and 6 months of travelling, back-to-back meetings and frustratingly slow progress I popped a fuse and went off sick for three months and then took about 18 months to recover - but I have recovered to a different place, specifically one who doesn't say yes/no just because that's what people do.

    :-)

    (*) I'm operating on the assumption that I'm autistic but I'm in the process of being diagnosed. I currently have two confirmed autistic traits but insufficient evidence of Restricted and Repetitive Behaviours / Insistence on sameness.

    How do I cope?

    • Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
    • Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
    • Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
    • Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
    • Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
    • Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
    • Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy
  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Gosh, what you describe as masking I just thought absolutely everyone was doing all the time, but they were just better at doing it than me and more willing to put up with the daftness of social interactions. I've always been wondering why everyone talks and behaves as they do when clearly it's not working for anyone, like when couldn't we all just shake out of it and agree to interact in a way that we all wanted.

    So, what, NTs actually are ok with it all? They're mad!

Reply
  • in reply to I'm done with Christmas Cards

    Gosh, what you describe as masking I just thought absolutely everyone was doing all the time, but they were just better at doing it than me and more willing to put up with the daftness of social interactions. I've always been wondering why everyone talks and behaves as they do when clearly it's not working for anyone, like when couldn't we all just shake out of it and agree to interact in a way that we all wanted.

    So, what, NTs actually are ok with it all? They're mad!

Children
No Data