Removing 'the mask'

Hi NAS62726 - you've described that well.

• During face to face conversation I'm always thinking "Am I making enough eye contact? At the right moments? Can I look at the floor now? What's my body language like? What does their body language mean?" Also I find it incredibly exhausting to concentrate on one voice in the presence of others. We(*) use intellectual / conscious processes to do what others do intuitively, which over the longer term leads to exhaustion and burnout if not managed appropriately (which for me means moderating the amount of social contact, and having time to recover after anything intense).
• In the past, when I was asked "Where shall we go on holiday this year?" I played along because going on holiday is "what people do". Now I've realised that actually I'm happier not going on holiday as the stress outweighs the benefits and I'd rather spend my resources on having a nice life all year rather than suffer for 50 weeks and party for 2. I've known for a long time that I don't really like days out, especially with kids in tow, and I'm much happier pursuing a solo hobby in peace and quiet - but again, I've said "yes" because that's what people do.
• Similarly when I've been asked to join work colleagues for lunch, or an evening meal when travelling, I've said "yes" because that's what people do. I have enjoyed aspects of it but actually prefer being on my own.
• I hate sending greetings cards, and get really stressed if I feel forced to choose one, and in the past, I've done it because that's what people do.
• I've done lots of things that many people would swear you absolutely must be NT to achieve such as leading teams, making presentations, coaching people, even learning how to hypnotise people and being pretty good at it, being a good judge of character and an excellent communicator both by email, verbally and visually. But now I know that "not everything I'm good at is good for me" - and I'm no longer going to say yes to it simply because that's what people do.

As you say, you can keep it up for a while but it comes back to bite you. For me, after leading a small team for a year and 6 months of travelling, back-to-back meetings and frustratingly slow progress I popped a fuse and went off sick for three months and then took about 18 months to recover - but I have recovered to a different place, specifically one who doesn't say yes/no just because that's what people do.

:-)

(*) I'm operating on the assumption that I'm autistic but I'm in the process of being diagnosed. I currently have two confirmed autistic traits but insufficient evidence of Restricted and Repetitive Behaviours / Insistence on sameness.

How do I cope?

• Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
• Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
• Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
• Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
• Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
• Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
• Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

How do I cope?

• Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
• Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
• Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
• Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
• Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
• Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
• Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy

ooo last point hit!! :) - I think that is down to craving approval/acceptanece from NT others due to a perception of having to over compensate (due to my flaws) in order to be socially tolerated :)

I'm done with Christmas Cards said:

How do I cope?

• Trying to learn what is masking and what is me - as Elephant in the Room said - because it might be OK to "try harder" / "work on" things about *me* that could be improved, but I know that "masking harder" is bloody silly and I'm not doing it ever again!
• Giving myself permission to withdraw from situations & find alone time.
• Giving myself permission to refuse to partake in social rituals that cost me but pay little back.
• Realising that if you explain this to reasonable people, they can be really understanding and accommodating - everyone has issues after all, and in some ways this is just another set specific to me.
• Noise cancelling earbuds and music and/or rain/ waterfall sounds!
• Not trying to be the champion of everything that grabs my interest at work
• Realising that it's not my job to make other people happy

ooo last point hit!! :) - I think that is down to craving approval/acceptanece from NT others due to a perception of having to over compensate (due to my flaws) in order to be socially tolerated :)

I crave to be known and accepted *soooo* much. I can't bear when someone disagrees with me because it makes me question myself and it's painful, especially if it's unexpected (like when you've been agreeing with someone and progressively sharing more and more in the same vein and then the other person says "No I don't think *that's* right!"). So I've spent my life aching to be myself but at the same time striving to please everyone else.

I've finally started being able to live the "responsibility language" dialogue style that says "You didn't make me angry; I chose to be angry as a result of something you said or did" (and vice versa). Which helps me deal with my mother, because for 50-odd years I thought it was my job to "make" her feel adored and needed and rewarded and thanked for parenting me.

But the best (and only) way I've found to stop myself being an attention wh*** on Facebook & Twitter and being anxious about who's still my friend or who I think I *should* friend or who's liked my post or secretly fancies me or who might (shiver!) disagree with me is to *close the accounts* - which is what I've done! :-).