Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't feel accepted and supported, I just feel defective, judged by everyone, and guilty for what I've done to my family. I know we're all entitled to our opinions and feelings, and that we all think differently, but I just really don't understand why some autistic people 'celebrate' it and think it's OK to be autistic when I honestly don't think there is anything less OK in the entire world, particularly when you're a woman and it's such a man's condition. I often feel my strong sense of identity as a female is being stolen from me.
Thank you all for all your replies. The question of me becoming a mother is a difficult one - it's a conversation for another day really but I take all of your points. The last thing I would ever want is for my child to be hurt or damaged emotionally, so I know I've got to be careful. The men I sleep with are a different story - most of them aren't respectful of me, they're rough with me and they hurt me, and they just take what they want and leave, so I feel angry towards them, to be honest. It's hard to imagine them wanting to know their child - they don't seem to have a caring bone in their body. I know feelings go deeper than this, but they don't seem to have much regard for how I feel, so...it's all very complicated.
It's annoying because I know all the things about women presenting differently and therefore being more difficult to diagnose, but I still think of it as a man's condition and I feel the diagnosis is an assault on my femininity. I can't seem to change the way I feel. Sometimes I get even more triggered by the idea of the different female presentation - like, I know there's a special separate test for females they suspect are on the spectrum, but with me, they used a standard test, which is probably one they used for boys. I just break all over again when I think about that.
Hello Sickle Moon , From what you have posted it does make sense that there is a lot to think about around becoming pregnant to be a mother ! There is nothing wrong at all in wanting to be a parent ! Have you talked to your GP about wanting to become a mother ? Some of the things such as having unprotected sex with men , who as you said can be rough and hurt you , I honestly believe however difficult it is that you let your GP or Practice Nurse know this is happening !
Maybe I'm a man then, I don't have kids, but last time I looked I wasn't. So if you think you are male because of your diagnosis then that means the rest of us females on here must be too?
You are right, women can present very differently to men and until recently that was not recognised at at women were dismissed and misdiagnosed as the testing was designed around males. It is only now that it is starting to become known that women can be very different in presentation but there is still no male/ female test I know the university of Kent is developing one but at the moment it is still just a standard one that is open for interpretation by the professional performing it.
This should take nothing away from your femininity my daughter is very girly and she is awaiting assessment, however my other daughter is the world's biggest tomboy and neurotypical so it is really down to what you believe about yourself, I'm not autistic but I'm certainly not what you would define as feminine! I am a woman but the unrealistic portrayal of femininity is beyond me I'm a bit more practical about things.
I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with this at the moment. I just wanted to say all my tests were "standard" ones. I was not assessed differently because I am female but I am definitely very feminine and I am definitely autistic.
I'm okay with that. I can't change being autistic so I'm at peace with it.
I am autistic and my life is often difficult but I'm also autistic and very gifted at many things probably because I am autistic. These things bring me great joy, apparently greater joy than my friends who are not autistic. I'm autistic and I don't socialise well but actually I have a small group of friends who like me for my very honest but also funny personality.
I could go on and on but being autistic has positive and negative aspects, it can't be changed so I feel that being okay with it is necessary to allow myself not to be defined by the negative aspects of autism and to make the most of the positive aspects of being me. That is very feminine but definitely autistic me.
I don't know if there are two different "tests", I don't think that they use different tests for male/female. Regardless of what you think aspergers affects both males nd females and it is a medical fact! You are the one that seems to have decided that it's a boys only thing, it's not, as I said and I miscounted I have 3 female friends that are diagnosed, 2 of them are as feminine as feminine gets.
It was no too long ago that being intelligent was seen as being unfeminine as women were not supposed to be exposed to education involving literature, maths and science - all because boys and men were the ones who were educated and then went onto established roles in society. Women had to be quiet, submissive and demure - they had to be good at sewing, the arts and possibly music if you were luckily enough to come from an upper class background. If that was today's benchmark for feminine, would you be aiming for this?
I am by no means feminine in the traditional terms, but I certainly class myself as a woman and I am 100% certain of my gender, therefore I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone.
I would just sense check where this benchmark of feminine you are aiming for has come from? If it is so hard to achieve in your eyes, then is it realistic and is it really you?
Acceptance and self-care would be a good first step and then takes things from there.
You really need to stop doing this to yourself - you are worth so much more. After your diagnosis, were you offered any support? It would probably really help you to speak to someone about all this. It takes time to come to terms with a diagnosis.