Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm beginning to realise just how hard it is to communicate your own needs to other people, and to prioritise your own needs when necessary.
Yesterday I was in a meeting with one other, sympathetic, person who knows about my ASD, and I had to say three times that "I need to go now as my brain is exhausted". After the first two times we simply carried on talking. On the third time I had to emphasise my statement by standing up and moving towards the door. Only then could I escape, kicking myself for having spent what seemed like half an hour continuing past the point where what *I* needed was to withdraw to a quiet place to make sense of what we had been talking about.
I'm determined to become stronger at this, because I *have* to.
I face a similar situation in my relationship with my mother. What *I* need is space, separation, and to talk on the phone maybe once every few months and text once a month. But a part of my brain tells me that I *should* be doing something else, adoring her, looking after her feelings. Again, I need to be stronger.
I wonder if it's common (perhaps universal) for people on the spectrum to feel this overwhelming pressure to conform. That's almost a rhetorical question. But what's dawning on me now is that maybe another universal trait is a desire to be seen as compliant, to be seen as a "good egg", maybe simply to obtain acceptance, and just how pervasive, insidious, and stealthy the pressure is, and how hard it is to resist.
When I explain this, people are often quite ready to *say* "I understand, it must be hard, no 'You do you', look after your needs", but then their behaviours and reactions tell me that they didn't really mean it.
I can completely relate to some of what you have said regarding family. Since I was diagnosed with ASD last year, I have spoken to my mother less frequently on the phone. She is a bit passive aggressive and in the past would take offence if I did not call her every couple of days. I have explained to her that I find phone calls quite exhausting and now we keep in touch regularly on whats app. I feel less pressure to keep calling her and as a result less anxiety. It has taken a while for her to adjust though. Mostly I think she needs reassurance that I still love her - which I can show by regular texting. It probably takes time for others to adjust to a new situation but I don't think you need to be 'stronger' - you are probably very strong in your own way already. You can perhaps do what you need to do and keep explaining that / reassuring others (however tiresome that may be) in the hope that they will adapt over time and understand. One last point - I find that if I have said something once, I think the issue is dealt with. I am learning that with most NT people, one has to repeat the same messages several times before they get it. I don't understand why but anyway at least I know I have to do this!
Exactly!!! Before I was diagnosed someone actually told me I was mean once because i moved away when they went to give me a hug. They know full well that I don't like being touched and they themselves had often suggested I was probably autistic. I was so taken aback by the situation. I really didn't understand how it could be mean to avoid something I find extremely uncomfortable but ok for them to want to inflict this on me.
I get the same with food. It causes me great anxiety to eat at someone else's house. Especially if they don't know the ins and outs of what I eat. But it is seen as rude to ask what the food will be or to tell people what you do and don't like. Yet it's ok if your vegan or have allergies.
The "rules" of society actually baffle me at times.
Good question, & one that resonates with my original post above. I feel that it's always I who have to adjust, compromise, say yes when I really want to say no. But who compromises, willingly, graciously, for me? It's like there's a total empathy failure when it comes to others being able to understand how I feel - & isn't that so ironic given the stereotypes about autism?
My family isn't very big (and significantly smaller than when I was a child) so these events don't come up very often. But I think because we rarely see them, its seen as ruder if I don't fully participate.
This is always the thing that fascinates me. People with autism have this reputation for not being able to understand how others think and feel etc. But there are very few people that can even slightly understand how I think and feel. So many NT people don't understand why I hate being touched, or why I don't like going to bars, or why I wont eat a wider variety of food. It's all seen as odd to them. But why is them not understanding normal and me not understanding part of my autism?
Yes 100%. It's like "yeah ok do what you need to do but if you start acting weird expect some scorn & recriminations". I've pretty much managed to rule myself out of family events thank god, as the time of life when they were common seems to have come and gone due to all of the children now being adults with their own lives, parents living miles away and aunties and uncles gradually dying off. It may seem callous but I honestly couldn't easily make a list of how many of my aunts and uncles are still alive & I don't actually care, which is actually a blessed relief as when I was a child my mum made "family" (by which she meant *her* family) the most important thing in the world.
Yes I totally agree with this. I find this incredibly difficult at family events. My mum sees it as rude to need to leave. So I often have to sit and endure the event when I'm far past being able to.
I've also had situations when I've been talked into going to somewhere/something I knew I would find too much and have been promised this, that and the other and it will all be fine to get there and no one follow through on their promises and to end up really struggling.
I think part of the pressure for me is that I feel that I should conform but really have no idea how to and can't hack it. So I'm just left feeling awkward. And yes definitely wanting acceptance.
Yep even years ago before I knew anything about ASD I started saying "I'm going now because I need to" - but I apply it inconsistently to this day.
I don't know it it's being duped as much as people simply forgetting what they promised (it being a bit outside their norms and having other things on their mind). But then again I know that many people say things that they don't mean (like "That's fine" when it's not, or "No problem if you want to X/Y/Z" when in fact is a massive problem to them).
I love your "believe them and skip off like a happy kid" - so relatable!
Your last paragraph rings bells. I came out to some on my MA course...it’s like I sprayed Raid! Say one thing now...all avoid me. Just because we are on the spectrum doesn’t mean we don’t get avoidance and placating words, takes a while to process it but we do figure it out eventually and that realisation is painful as it leaves you feeling so inept in picking up social cues as quick as NT,s....you believe them and skip off like a happy kid only to realise later you have been duped.
i have also learnt when I need to go, I just do it. Even if it is just a loo or ciggie break, my energy and coping comes first.