Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm beginning to realise just how hard it is to communicate your own needs to other people, and to prioritise your own needs when necessary.
Yesterday I was in a meeting with one other, sympathetic, person who knows about my ASD, and I had to say three times that "I need to go now as my brain is exhausted". After the first two times we simply carried on talking. On the third time I had to emphasise my statement by standing up and moving towards the door. Only then could I escape, kicking myself for having spent what seemed like half an hour continuing past the point where what *I* needed was to withdraw to a quiet place to make sense of what we had been talking about.
I'm determined to become stronger at this, because I *have* to.
I face a similar situation in my relationship with my mother. What *I* need is space, separation, and to talk on the phone maybe once every few months and text once a month. But a part of my brain tells me that I *should* be doing something else, adoring her, looking after her feelings. Again, I need to be stronger.
I wonder if it's common (perhaps universal) for people on the spectrum to feel this overwhelming pressure to conform. That's almost a rhetorical question. But what's dawning on me now is that maybe another universal trait is a desire to be seen as compliant, to be seen as a "good egg", maybe simply to obtain acceptance, and just how pervasive, insidious, and stealthy the pressure is, and how hard it is to resist.
When I explain this, people are often quite ready to *say* "I understand, it must be hard, no 'You do you', look after your needs", but then their behaviours and reactions tell me that they didn't really mean it.
I can completely relate to some of what you have said regarding family. Since I was diagnosed with ASD last year, I have spoken to my mother less frequently on the phone. She is a bit passive aggressive and in the past would take offence if I did not call her every couple of days. I have explained to her that I find phone calls quite exhausting and now we keep in touch regularly on whats app. I feel less pressure to keep calling her and as a result less anxiety. It has taken a while for her to adjust though. Mostly I think she needs reassurance that I still love her - which I can show by regular texting. It probably takes time for others to adjust to a new situation but I don't think you need to be 'stronger' - you are probably very strong in your own way already. You can perhaps do what you need to do and keep explaining that / reassuring others (however tiresome that may be) in the hope that they will adapt over time and understand. One last point - I find that if I have said something once, I think the issue is dealt with. I am learning that with most NT people, one has to repeat the same messages several times before they get it. I don't understand why but anyway at least I know I have to do this!