Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm beginning to realise just how hard it is to communicate your own needs to other people, and to prioritise your own needs when necessary.
Yesterday I was in a meeting with one other, sympathetic, person who knows about my ASD, and I had to say three times that "I need to go now as my brain is exhausted". After the first two times we simply carried on talking. On the third time I had to emphasise my statement by standing up and moving towards the door. Only then could I escape, kicking myself for having spent what seemed like half an hour continuing past the point where what *I* needed was to withdraw to a quiet place to make sense of what we had been talking about.
I'm determined to become stronger at this, because I *have* to.
I face a similar situation in my relationship with my mother. What *I* need is space, separation, and to talk on the phone maybe once every few months and text once a month. But a part of my brain tells me that I *should* be doing something else, adoring her, looking after her feelings. Again, I need to be stronger.
I wonder if it's common (perhaps universal) for people on the spectrum to feel this overwhelming pressure to conform. That's almost a rhetorical question. But what's dawning on me now is that maybe another universal trait is a desire to be seen as compliant, to be seen as a "good egg", maybe simply to obtain acceptance, and just how pervasive, insidious, and stealthy the pressure is, and how hard it is to resist.
When I explain this, people are often quite ready to *say* "I understand, it must be hard, no 'You do you', look after your needs", but then their behaviours and reactions tell me that they didn't really mean it.
Yes I totally agree with this. I find this incredibly difficult at family events. My mum sees it as rude to need to leave. So I often have to sit and endure the event when I'm far past being able to.
I've also had situations when I've been talked into going to somewhere/something I knew I would find too much and have been promised this, that and the other and it will all be fine to get there and no one follow through on their promises and to end up really struggling.
I think part of the pressure for me is that I feel that I should conform but really have no idea how to and can't hack it. So I'm just left feeling awkward. And yes definitely wanting acceptance.
Yes 100%. It's like "yeah ok do what you need to do but if you start acting weird expect some scorn & recriminations". I've pretty much managed to rule myself out of family events thank god, as the time of life when they were common seems to have come and gone due to all of the children now being adults with their own lives, parents living miles away and aunties and uncles gradually dying off. It may seem callous but I honestly couldn't easily make a list of how many of my aunts and uncles are still alive & I don't actually care, which is actually a blessed relief as when I was a child my mum made "family" (by which she meant *her* family) the most important thing in the world.
My family isn't very big (and significantly smaller than when I was a child) so these events don't come up very often. But I think because we rarely see them, its seen as ruder if I don't fully participate.
This is always the thing that fascinates me. People with autism have this reputation for not being able to understand how others think and feel etc. But there are very few people that can even slightly understand how I think and feel. So many NT people don't understand why I hate being touched, or why I don't like going to bars, or why I wont eat a wider variety of food. It's all seen as odd to them. But why is them not understanding normal and me not understanding part of my autism?
Exactly!!! Before I was diagnosed someone actually told me I was mean once because i moved away when they went to give me a hug. They know full well that I don't like being touched and they themselves had often suggested I was probably autistic. I was so taken aback by the situation. I really didn't understand how it could be mean to avoid something I find extremely uncomfortable but ok for them to want to inflict this on me.
I get the same with food. It causes me great anxiety to eat at someone else's house. Especially if they don't know the ins and outs of what I eat. But it is seen as rude to ask what the food will be or to tell people what you do and don't like. Yet it's ok if your vegan or have allergies.
The "rules" of society actually baffle me at times.