Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm beginning to realise just how hard it is to communicate your own needs to other people, and to prioritise your own needs when necessary.
Yesterday I was in a meeting with one other, sympathetic, person who knows about my ASD, and I had to say three times that "I need to go now as my brain is exhausted". After the first two times we simply carried on talking. On the third time I had to emphasise my statement by standing up and moving towards the door. Only then could I escape, kicking myself for having spent what seemed like half an hour continuing past the point where what *I* needed was to withdraw to a quiet place to make sense of what we had been talking about.
I'm determined to become stronger at this, because I *have* to.
I face a similar situation in my relationship with my mother. What *I* need is space, separation, and to talk on the phone maybe once every few months and text once a month. But a part of my brain tells me that I *should* be doing something else, adoring her, looking after her feelings. Again, I need to be stronger.
I wonder if it's common (perhaps universal) for people on the spectrum to feel this overwhelming pressure to conform. That's almost a rhetorical question. But what's dawning on me now is that maybe another universal trait is a desire to be seen as compliant, to be seen as a "good egg", maybe simply to obtain acceptance, and just how pervasive, insidious, and stealthy the pressure is, and how hard it is to resist.
When I explain this, people are often quite ready to *say* "I understand, it must be hard, no 'You do you', look after your needs", but then their behaviours and reactions tell me that they didn't really mean it.
Your last paragraph rings bells. I came out to some on my MA course...it’s like I sprayed Raid! Say one thing now...all avoid me. Just because we are on the spectrum doesn’t mean we don’t get avoidance and placating words, takes a while to process it but we do figure it out eventually and that realisation is painful as it leaves you feeling so inept in picking up social cues as quick as NT,s....you believe them and skip off like a happy kid only to realise later you have been duped.
i have also learnt when I need to go, I just do it. Even if it is just a loo or ciggie break, my energy and coping comes first.
Yep even years ago before I knew anything about ASD I started saying "I'm going now because I need to" - but I apply it inconsistently to this day.
I don't know it it's being duped as much as people simply forgetting what they promised (it being a bit outside their norms and having other things on their mind). But then again I know that many people say things that they don't mean (like "That's fine" when it's not, or "No problem if you want to X/Y/Z" when in fact is a massive problem to them).
I love your "believe them and skip off like a happy kid" - so relatable!