My partner shows no affection towards me

I wish i had a partner to cuddle.

Hello Beany, I just saw this forum and your post, searching for help. I hve been experiencing the same thing for years as well. myboyfriend was very interested in sexual contact in the beginning (we do not live together) and now he just wants to go out to eator see a movie, then we just say good bye, and he's fine with it. When I tell him I am lonely, he says he is working on things, and searching for the information he needs. It's like I am a fiend now?

Hello yes, I can relate to this. After 35 years of marriage to an autistic husband, I’ve found it to be the most emotionally damaging, frustrating and extremely lonely existence. After 15 years of marriage my husband informed me that as we were having no more children, sex wasn’t required and since then we’ve slept in separate rooms. However, sometimes love is shown in other ways. The biggest surprise I had is when I got Cancer, not once but twice. I had two serious operations that have left me weak and requiring help. On discharge from hospital I was incontinent, he lifted me out of bed, put me on the toilet and in the shower and cleaned the rotten smell of *** off me. I never ever expected him to do that. Our roles have now reversed, he takes care of me, washes me., dresses me. I’ve learnt a lot from autism  and I’m still learning. If I’d have left, my life would have been a lot different. My husband is still autistic, so are my children and grandchildren. You have to learn to live with difference. If you want heart and flowers with fifty shades of grey, then look for a neurotypical guy. Life is what you make it, it’s not always a box of chocolates, sometimes it’s a great big bag of ***. At the moment it’s me that’s providing it. Educate yourself, either accept the difference or walk. I’ve walked more than a mile in your shoes, so no judgement from me either way. Good luck girl

After 35 years marriage to my autistic husband who I love very much, is hard, frustrating, emotionally damaging and extremely lonely. Your husband will never be what you want him to be. He loves you in his own way, he finds it hard to be in someone else’s space. You will always be the carer, his world is not your world, you either stick with it, knowing that no matter how hard you pray, your needs cannot be met in a neurotypical way. After 15 years of marriage my husband informed me that now we’ve had children, sex is no longer needed and from that day we’ve slept in different rooms. I’ve learnt to live with it, but not everyone can cope. My husband was diagnosed at the same time as my son. I had no idea what I was living with. 
My children and grandchildren all have Asperger type disabilities or as I like to describe a family with differences. 
Because my children and grandchildren are classed as high functioning help is very difficult to get. I’ve had to fight all the way and still going. 
Good luck with whatever decision you make, I’ve walked more than a mile in your shoes, so no judgement from me. Take care. Try to talk to someone who can listen to your frustrations and loneliness.

So weird - I am very tactile with my four children, always asking for hugs or spontaneously giving them hugs ...but I dont feel like that with my husband and I feel so guilty about it, although I do obviously give him a hug if he asks etc but its not spontaneous

Yes, thank you.  Helpful for me in a different way

Hi. Was wondering how things panned out for you.? I deeply sympathise. My male partner is on the autistic scale with severe ocd.  11 years of no affection. Just made the decision  to finish the relationship . it's broken my heart as I know he loves me. We talk endlessly to no avail. Jill.

Hi, I’m sure he does have love for you (unless he has said otherwise) maybe he just doesn’t know how to show it? Does he freeze when you cuddle him because it hurts him I wonder? I find that for example, if I’m watching tv with my husband and he starts trying to cuddle up to me I don’t like it, it makes me feel all squirmy and uncomfortable, I usually wriggle away, I feel bad as I realise he may feel rejected by my behaviour but I just don’t like being cuddled and pawed at. I tolerate sex because I believe that as a wife it’s my duty but I don’t like it. I don’t like being cuddled in bed either as it makes me uncomfortable. As I said if I look at things reflectively I can see it might be better if I were more affectionate (dare I suggest a gender difference in emotional awareness?!) I realise that it would make my husband feel better about himself but honestly I tolerate cuddles etc through gritted teeth on the odd occasion when I try to be more cuddly. Weirdly though I’m fine cuddling and being cuddled by my 1 and 4 year old daughters and on another post someone else agreed that while they couldn’t do tactile with their partner they also were fine with their children.

Thank you for your reply. We do talk openly so not sure we need councilling.  Its more learning to meet each others needs or me understanding his lack of and living with it

Thank you so much for your reply. You have helped me understand why he is so distant from your words. Yes we speak very openly no barriers. As you say robot like is very bells ringing to me. I do have to ask for a hug if i cuddle him he freezes. Im confused as does he not want me near him has no love for me or does he not want to be touched? He is very touch sensitive. He cannot handle emotion and really doesnt see it is needed.  Are you the same? Are you blind to it? If i dont show him affection our relationship would be a friendship. Because of this im not sure how long i can go on being together. 

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I have bi polar so i can relate to the needing of own space. My partner and i have an excellent talking relationship we are very open and honest with each other. He knows i need to be shown affection but he said he cant  as it makes him feel awkward. I dont make a big issue as i understand the reasons why but it isnt healthy for my well being. I am trying to be there for him but not getting much back is tiring. This is where the distance is setting in...how do we work together before it goes too far to get it back. I can relate to your experience.

Sorry to hear about your situation. I nearly split up with my partner of 16 years over similar issues. We went to relationship counselling and it has really helped us. My personal experience as a person with autism is that I like receiving affection from my partner some of the time, but I rarely give it. I find it quite difficult to do and it doesn't feel like a need for me. So, as others have said, it would be good to talk about this more with your partner and possibly seek professional guidance. Relationship therapy was amazing in my experience and it has helped me and my partner to accept each other a lot more. Good luck whatever you do. 

Hi Rottie Girl, Sorry to hear how things are. I’m female, 38 and diagnosed with Aspergers at the end of last year. I get moaned at by my husband and my eldest daughter (21) for never being spontaneously affectionate (though they’re both almost as bad!) I know personally I’m more inclined to be affectionate and cuddly early on in a relationship, I’m also going to have more of a mask on early in a relationship and be attempting to at least act a bit ‘normal’, 11 years later I can’t really be bothered with this cuddling business and the mask has well and truly come off. That said, if my husband/daughter/friend were to say to me directly that they needed a hug for whatever reason I would give them a hug, even if it made me feel uncomfortable, as that would be the decent thing to do. Sorry I’m realising as I’m writing this how much of an emotional robot I am! I’m being honest though to try to give you insight. Have you tried being direct with your boyfriend, I’m sure he’s not with holding affection on purpose, he won’t realise the effect it’s having on you unless you tell him. As in all relationships you need honest open communication and compromise, you need him to know how his lack of affection makes you feel but also you need to know the reasons for his lack of affection such as it feels physically painful to him/he doesn’t realise he needs to be affectionate/etc maybe then you can find some middle ground. You may also need to just ask him outright for a cuddle as otherwise he won’t pick up on the social cues that that’s what you want. Hope this helps a bit. Let me know if you need anymore insight? 

Hi Rottie girl,

I'm so sorry to read this.  It rings many bells with me.  I can't really offer advice, but I'd like to tell you my own story if I may.

I'm a male Aspie who was only diagnosed 4 years ago, aged 56.  Up until then, I'd had all sorts of problems with social and intimate relationships.  I'd never really succeeded in making friends, and my relationships had been very few and far between.  First girlfriend at 23 (only 6 months), second at 31 (about the same), third at 38 (even shorter).  Then, just before I was 40, I met the girl of my dreams: my one and only.  It was pretty much love at first sight for both of us.  We hit it off in so many ways and had the same approach to life.  We were married inside a year and settled down.

By about year 3, something was definitely wrong - but I couldn't figure out what it was, and neither could she.  I was getting lots of depressions.  I was with a woman who meant the world to me, and whom it would break my heart to hurt or upset.  And yet I couldn't show it to her.  Our sexual relationship slowly petered out until, by year 4, it was non-existent.  I couldn't even bring myself to touch her.  And, I have to admit this... I simply no longer wanted her to be there. I wanted to live alone again - as I had up until we were married.  I knew she wanted children, and I'd promised them to her.  I even thought I wanted them myself.  But the pressure of that on top of me just feeling 'wrong' became too much in the end.  In our 5th year, my father died, which became the catalyst for a complete breakdown for me, and our eventual divorce.  I still loved her, and I still feel affection for her to this day - 14 years after I last saw her (she wanted no contact afterwards).  For a long time afterwards, it haunted me.  I couldn't figure any of it out.  My feelings made no sense to me.  It was total confusion in my head.

Now, with the benefit of both hindsight and my diagnosis, I can see things a little more clearly.  A great deal of it was to do with my sense of psychological displacement.  I couldn't fit in with a cohabitation situation.  I'm a person who needs a lot of space and time alone.  I thrive on that.  But even with my being in a separate room with the door closed, my knowing that she was in the house 'disturbed' me.  On top of that there were other things.  She had her own problems, too, as she acknowledged.  She didn't seem to enjoy sex, or to want it very much. She seemed to find that level of intimacy embarrassing.  That was certainly a factor.  She could also be quite reclusive.  And she would become moody and untalkative - long silences - if there was something on her mind.  I usually had to prise things out of her.  I often wonder, actually, if the problem for both of us was the situation we were in.  Whether we both needed that space.  I still, though, feel that I was the main 'problem'.  And I didn't have any way of explaining it.  I kept a diary during our final couple of years, and reading it now I can see the mental torment I was in.  I was breaking her heart and knew it, as much as I knew I loved her.  But I seemed powerless to do anything about it.  It was a horrible, horrible feeling  It drove me to despair.

Now... I'm not saying at all that the circumstances as they were for us are exactly the same as they are for you.  But I just wanted to offer a personal insight.  Have you tried talking to him about things?  It can be difficult to do this in a way that doesn't end up getting difficult and accusatory, I know.  But perhaps he's feeling that he wants to say things and doesn't know how - in case, for instance, you get the wrong idea.  My ex-wife and I tried relationship counselling, which was a useful thing to try because it enabled us to say everything that was on our minds and for a third party to offer an objective perspective.  But it was too late by that time, anyway.  I don't know how you  and he would feel about such a thing.

I wanted to end with a short quote from an article I read recently about experiencing social life the Aspie way.  I'll post the link to the article, too, because it's worth reading in full.  But this bit is quite revealing, I think.  It's from an interview with a couple who were having relationship counselling.  He was autistic, she wasn't:

One of the most striking themes emerging from the data was participants' awareness of their difference and the efforts they made to overcome it. This did not involve a desire not to be ‘aspie’ but a desire to learn to fit into mainstream society. While some participants enjoyed spending time with other people with AS there was little sense of collectively celebrating their difference.

Trying to fit in had emotional and spatial dimensions. Some people learned by watching other people and developing ‘tricks and ploys’ to facilitate their participation in social life. A few participants talked about forcing themselves to endure social situations they knew they would dislike, such as going to gigs or staying in the halls of residence at university, because they wanted to learn to overcome these difficulties and ease social interactions. A couple of participants described reading books about body language or self-help skills to learn how to interact ‘normally’. This process again was about learning a surface level of fitting in; it was not internalised or lived but learnt. A married participant, for example, talked about trying to develop his emotional communication to improve his relationship with his wife;

'The problem with emotional communication is in both directions or all directions. I can't read my wife's emotions, except on a very broad brush; happy, angry. I would have difficulty putting in the finesse of ways. And the same thing applies to my own. I don't communicate my own emotions usually because my emotions don't communicate themselves to my mind. I know I have got emotions but I don't explain them.' (Richard, aged 58)

He returned to this theme later in the interview and the following extract includes his wife's comments;

Sue: Yes, I mean on a number of occasions we tried various forms of counselling which hadn't really had any effect at all because the general aim of most sort of relationship counselling is to try to get both sides to appreciate the other person's point of view and that is something that Richard just couldn't do. He couldn't put himself into my shoes and see anything from my point of view.

Richard: I remember, the counsellor was saying, “You should take more account of your wife's feelings.” But even then I think I knew the problem was that I didn't know what her feelings were and that was why I wasn't taking account of them, so it wasn't helping. They were telling me to do something that I knew I wanted to do but I couldn't. (Richard, aged 58 and Sue, aged 56)

Again this extract highlights the way in which the participant knew what the problem was but did not have the appropriate symbolic capacity to resolve it. He was not able to put himself in the shoes of his partner to have some idea of how she felt. The foundation of most therapy/counseling logic is the question “tell me how you feel” and this question is often overwhelming and impossible to tackle for people with AS.

Here's the link to the full article.  I wish you well and hope you are able to come to a solution that works for you both.

'It's like you are just a spectator in this thing': experiencing social life the Aspie way

Best regards,

Tom