My partner shows no affection towards me

Hi Rottie Girl, Sorry to hear how things are. I’m female, 38 and diagnosed with Aspergers at the end of last year. I get moaned at by my husband and my eldest daughter (21) for never being spontaneously affectionate (though they’re both almost as bad!) I know personally I’m more inclined to be affectionate and cuddly early on in a relationship, I’m also going to have more of a mask on early in a relationship and be attempting to at least act a bit ‘normal’, 11 years later I can’t really be bothered with this cuddling business and the mask has well and truly come off. That said, if my husband/daughter/friend were to say to me directly that they needed a hug for whatever reason I would give them a hug, even if it made me feel uncomfortable, as that would be the decent thing to do. Sorry I’m realising as I’m writing this how much of an emotional robot I am! I’m being honest though to try to give you insight. Have you tried being direct with your boyfriend, I’m sure he’s not with holding affection on purpose, he won’t realise the effect it’s having on you unless you tell him. As in all relationships you need honest open communication and compromise, you need him to know how his lack of affection makes you feel but also you need to know the reasons for his lack of affection such as it feels physically painful to him/he doesn’t realise he needs to be affectionate/etc maybe then you can find some middle ground. You may also need to just ask him outright for a cuddle as otherwise he won’t pick up on the social cues that that’s what you want. Hope this helps a bit. Let me know if you need anymore insight? 

Thank you so much for your reply. You have helped me understand why he is so distant from your words. Yes we speak very openly no barriers. As you say robot like is very bells ringing to me. I do have to ask for a hug if i cuddle him he freezes. Im confused as does he not want me near him has no love for me or does he not want to be touched? He is very touch sensitive. He cannot handle emotion and really doesnt see it is needed.  Are you the same? Are you blind to it? If i dont show him affection our relationship would be a friendship. Because of this im not sure how long i can go on being together. 

Hi, I’m sure he does have love for you (unless he has said otherwise) maybe he just doesn’t know how to show it? Does he freeze when you cuddle him because it hurts him I wonder? I find that for example, if I’m watching tv with my husband and he starts trying to cuddle up to me I don’t like it, it makes me feel all squirmy and uncomfortable, I usually wriggle away, I feel bad as I realise he may feel rejected by my behaviour but I just don’t like being cuddled and pawed at. I tolerate sex because I believe that as a wife it’s my duty but I don’t like it. I don’t like being cuddled in bed either as it makes me uncomfortable. As I said if I look at things reflectively I can see it might be better if I were more affectionate (dare I suggest a gender difference in emotional awareness?!) I realise that it would make my husband feel better about himself but honestly I tolerate cuddles etc through gritted teeth on the odd occasion when I try to be more cuddly. Weirdly though I’m fine cuddling and being cuddled by my 1 and 4 year old daughters and on another post someone else agreed that while they couldn’t do tactile with their partner they also were fine with their children.

So weird - I am very tactile with my four children, always asking for hugs or spontaneously giving them hugs ...but I dont feel like that with my husband and I feel so guilty about it, although I do obviously give him a hug if he asks etc but its not spontaneous

So weird - I am very tactile with my four children, always asking for hugs or spontaneously giving them hugs ...but I dont feel like that with my husband and I feel so guilty about it, although I do obviously give him a hug if he asks etc but its not spontaneous