Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all
I wonder if anyone has any advice on my situation. I have lived with my husband for 15 years and we have had a very difficult relationship. I am on the autistic spectrum (although not diagnosed) and he frequently refers to this and complains about my autistic behaviour making his life difficult. We are about to embark on our third attempt at couple counselling. On our first visit I explained that I was on the spectrum and that my husband found this difficult and the counsellor said , 'Yes there is definitely autism in the room,' Later on the penny finally dropped- my husband has undiagnosed autism and for inexplicable reasons ( as I frequently work with autistic clients) I have failed to realise it. He has every single symptom of high functioning autism ( although actually he really doesn't function because of his disorganisation and distractibility) My husband cannot accept responsibility for his conduct and is hypersensitive to criticism. He will find it impossible to accept the suggestion that his conduct plays any role in our marital problems. I am fearful of the counsellor suggesting this to him as I know he will take it extremely badly and he is already depressed.
Any advice would be most welcome
There's normally an underlying reason why couples are stressed - usually it's money worries that put them both into the 99% stressed mode and then small things push them over the edge into a fight.
Do you both work?
Do you know what behaviours will trigger him? Do you know what stress he's under? (job worries etc.)
Do you have any pastimes that de-stress either of you?
Thanks for you reply.
Most unfortunately hr works for me in my own business as he has been unsuccessful in a number of other attempted careers. His stress has accumulated over the years as he has had many failed enterprises (due to his autism as i now realise) We both have pastimes which really add to our stress because of the overly intense way we pursue them!
Do you have a shared goal (like being able to retire to the country in 10 years)? It can be a conversation starter to discuss your destination and then talk about why you need less stress in your lives - talk about what he finds stressful and what you find stressful - you might find you have a lot of shared triggers - and then think of ways you could reduce it in the future - it might help you identify today's stress and ways to reduce it right now.
Do you both know what your destination is? A lot of people spend their lives working hard without thinkig about why.
What's the reason for killing yourself working with no end goal?
I don't anticipate retiring in terms of staying locked up at home waiting to die. I don't have any difficulty finding things to keep me occupied. If I was financially independent I'd still be doing things, and that might even include taking money off people to do things I want to do. But I'd like to be in the situation of being able to turn round to them and say "well if you're going down that path I'm not really interested in going there so see you around!"
I was very lucky and had the opportunity to retire 3 years ago in my late 40s due to health problems and work giving me a good payoff. I have no idea how people have the time to fit work in to their weeks.
I know Plastic - people keep telling me I don't want to retire as I won't have anything to do - whut?!!! Being forced to work means you're always too busy and emotionally exhausted to do *anything*. I wish I'd be a bit less poor when I retire but I really can't wait . . .