Problems with authority/feeling harassed

Honestly, I was just the same as you. But after two years of not leaving my house, I could not ignore the fact that I needed some help! It had to get so bad for me  before I could accept it. 

And honestly, hand on heart, it was the best thing I ever did. It’s was like, WoW, I didn’t realise you could share a problem and actually get help with it!

For me, it was so important working with an nt but one who understood autism. And she was true to her word, the sessions were about whatever I wanted them to be about. Most of the time she just listened but her listening, understanding and really hearing me had a huge positive impact. 

She also noticed how intelligent I was. I never really saw this before but seeing it how she did, I could see it, and this gave me a lot more confidence and pride in myself. Not an arrogant type of pride, but proud of my achievements and my gifts. 

The sessions were first held in the job centre but I used to freak out in the job centre, the security guards were always on my back and I had come close to a lock down 3 times. So she moved our sessions to a private room at the library. I like the library and went there anyway, so that was a good place for me. And our last session (and extra one she gave me) was in a coffee shop I go to. So I think you can pretty much have the sessions, wherever would be best for you. 

I don’t know how much the sessions cost but I can say, they will be worth every penny. I had 4 months intensive, which was a bit much really, I could have taken them slower but it’s like because of the state I was in, I needed to keep going with them and keep them to weekly. So you probably might only need maybe one session every couple of weeks to start with, to see how it will work best for you. You need processing time as well which is very important. I’m still processing what we covered, but my situation is different.

I’ve just been referred back, and this time I’m going to have the sessions every two weeks and they’re going to be for different reasons this time, more practical reasons. 

But honestly, it was scary opening up etc but I got so much more out of it than just the actual support. It’s like it’s opened up my world in so many ways. It will be worth every penny. 

Wow, that's awful to read you went through that for 10 years.  And so grateful you shared as it so I know there are others out there with this constant feeling of needing to get out.  In my previous role I sat by myself and just got on with the work they gave me.  I made a lot of friends, and I have done in my current role, but as soon as demands are made or I get uncomfortable I just get that feeling of shutting down and needing to get out of it all.  I know physically I'm stressed, and mentally I'm exhausted by the end of the week.  But I need to make money, and I'm capable of the work, and I really want this to work out.  

How is your employment situation now?

I've never wanted to share my personal business with anyone, I'm quite a private person.  But I just keep running into problems that no one else I know seems to.  So I actually think it would be very beneficial to talk to someone that understands these things.  My mum doesn't get it at all, and just tells me to join the real world and get a grip, so I've stopped talking to her.  Think having someone to share things with that understands and can help me move forward through understanding why I do things would help.  Where did you have your one to one sessions?

I haven't ever told anyone I love them, just my dog!  I just wouldn't be able to do it.  I'm currently trying to make sense of why I do the things I do, (and it's so good that other people have answered that they understand), and trying to pass my probation period at work when I'm up against people and an environment that make me so uncomfortable I shut down, and do what I do in the past and do what I can to avoid the situation.  I'm slowly getting there, but feel it's a battle.  I'm on leave next week though so it'll be good to step back from it all, and I do hope access to work contact me soon.  If nothing else it'll show my employer I'm trying, in my own way.

Well done Pirate. You sound like you’ve cracked it and you don’t give yourself a hard time when you’re not always on form  ~ #acceptance and understanding at its best, both towards yourself and others. It’s not an easy state to achieve, it takes a lot of hard work so yeah, super well done

Smokey Cockatiel said:

I need someone to talk to that understands. 

I had 4 months of weekly one to one intensive face to face sessions with an autism plus worker last year, and it changed my life in so many ways and on so many levels.

All we did really, or rather all I did (I did most of the talking) was talk about the things you mentioned and more. It was like finally having somebody to listen to me who understood me, made all the difference in the world. 

I have recently been referred back to Autism Plus and this time, I’ll use the sessions for more practical things, such as getting my daily routine together, cleaning my house etc, which is what the other sessions were going to be for, or so I thought!

It turns out that what I really needed, before I could even start taking steps of a practical nature, was somebody to listen to me, who understood me. 

So you are definitely barking up the right tree with that statement. It was hard going and it took me another few months to process everything we had talked about etc but I can now see the benefits and like I said, I’m about to take my first baby steps forward, out of this burnout. 

You’ve actually made me realise just how important those sessions are. You can self refer if you have the money to pay for the sessions with Autism Plus. I’m not recommending them specifically but I do recommend getting some sessions with somebody who understands. 

Yeah, that last paragraph you wrote struck a chord with me. Where you said you want to get on etc but you get so uncomfortable that you can’t do it and then you get cross with yourself. I used to be the same until very recently, when I realised, this is simply just who I am and I have to accept that there are some things about me that I can work around etc but there are some things, such as telling people I love them, that I will never be able to do or at least I can’t do them now. So I began to accept that and now, I’m at least not going round in circles anymore. 

Read this thread as was weighing up whether to post something going on with me right now, does anyone else get heavily unnerved by topics like these? Am currently in an ESA support group situation but before that for over 10 years was in a job situation, undiagnosed and with no idea what was going on other than a constant feeling to get out. All that time was spent fighting, was withdrawn, muted at times and it was only getting away from that situation (happened through a redundancy) that I realised how depressed I had actually been, and didn’t know any different.

Rules for no reason, structure, double talk, false y’all, not having things concrete, lies, “just get on with it” etc etc, in 10 years was moved over 10 times and constantly in reviews for performance or in the office. Bad supervisors or managers just led to me defying or becoming withdrawn from it all, yet still kept going every day due to not knowing any different. Didn’t eat didn’t sleep for most of it, would close myself off until day off, be ok for half a day then feel awful about having to go again. Remember once after a holiday saying to someone I could have cried my eyes out at the thought of going back. 

Going to cut this short as it would all come back again (trauma has stayed even now) but for some NT situations just aren’t the way forwards for growth and perspective. Insteresring that others describe this too here.

In one of my previous jobs, I actually had the reverse problem to the one you describe above regarding criticism.

In addition to my own database work, I was also in charge of monitoring data quality generally within the company.

I frequently used to try to reassure people that everyone makes mistakes & that it was just my job to intercept them before they affected customers. I was always so worried about making mistakes in my own work that I used to try to check it many many times before completion & always welcomed the rare occasions when someone found an error in something I had done before it caused any problems.

Sadly, many other people within the company did not have the same constructive attitude & often strongly resented their work being checked. I frequently found serious errors in their work, but their attitude was usually that it didn't matter because the customer probably wouldn't have noticed & that having to repeat the work would make it late.

Even though my position was quite senior, it wasn't really respected within the company. I think they only originally created the role as a publicity stunt & didn't expect me to take it that seriously or to regularly find so many awful mistakes. Eventually I was made redundant, allowing them to return to their usual sloppy work practices uninterrupted.

Throughout my life, I have frequently been criticised for being blunt, but I am always very careful in the language I use to avoid being personally offensive, i.e. I will criticise someone's actions, but I deliberately avoid criticising them as a person. This hasn't stopped people trying to accuse me of being offensive though, but usually this is when their faulty perception has altered my actual words within seconds of hearing them. Luckily I have developed a very good memory for literal conversations & can repeat things back verbatim.

Again, my experience of allegedly normal people is that they are far more offensive & regularly try to win arguments using personal insults rather than facts & logic. Sadly for them, my response to that sort of behaviour is to deconstruct what they said & use their own words back at them in order to demonstrate how rude & unreasonable they are being. This has of course just lead to repeated accusations that I am 'difficult', mostly because am too good at defending myself.

Even I have my triggers though & certain actions will always make me become extremely angry very quickly. I still deliberately avoid resorting to personal insults though, since that only ever demonstrates that you have already lost the argument.

Yes I have similar issues.  They do not understand. They say I am the difficult one.  I was told that iam quick to criticise when someone else does wrong but i do not like being told when iam doing wrong. but if they understood that my issues are autism related. then there would be no issue.

Ex friends that did not understand also used to keep saying. You dont understand that you offend people do you. or are you thick or something. 

My Parents do not understand autism and say iam difficult/rude/miserable etc.

I need someone to talk to that understands. 

James

I understand what that’s like ~ having plans in my head to do this, that and the other, then none of it happens ~ it’s almost like I see everything slipping through my fingers and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s kind of soul destroying. 

There are no easy answers 50557. I have found that I seem to have a tendency to set myself high goals. They might not seem high to some people, but I don’t seem to take my autism into consideration so it’s almost like I set myself up to fail. As I started to notice all this, I started to learn to be kinder to myself. 

I don’t know what to say really. It’s hard sometimes to know what to say when talking on line like this. 

You know yourself better than anybody else and how much stress you can tolerate etc and what’s best for you. 

Whstever you decide to do will be the right decision. You’ll make the best decision at the time to the best of your knowledge, awareness and experience etc. 

I opted out of working for somebody else because no matter what I do, no matter how much I fit in, it’s just not right for me. So I decided I would find a way of working for myself. 

I wish you all the best, I really do and I wish I could say one thing that would take some of the stress off your shoulders to enable you to be able to bring some level of peace into the situation so that it doesn’t look so dark. 

You sound like you have a lot of skills and good qualities. Maybe focus on them and determine to find a company where your particular gifts and qualities will be just what they’re looking for. Good luck, whatever direction you decide to take. 

You just have to somehow find a way of communicating to your manager etc what you’ve explained here, about how your colleagues don’t put the same demands on you as your manager does and therefore they don't get the same reactions from you. 

It’s not easy for us to explain ourselves  or for somebody else to understand us, but we don’t give in because when we do, the problem follows us and stays with us for all the days of our lives. 

But the cause of the problem goes underground when we give in and we get to a point that we don’t even know it’s there, even though it’s still causing problems, and then we go around blaming everyone and anyone but ourselves for the cause of our problems (because the real cause went underground) so they never get resolved, because we are the only ones who can do anything about anything to do with us. 

I've tried explaining that my line manager is very difficult to talk to, which has been raised by others!  and other people are a lot easier.  I do struggle to explain myself, especially because I know my employers have no understanding of autism, as they've said.  

I am getting to the point of giving in, and I am starting to update my cv and look for another job, as I've been told unless I can have friendly conversations, no matter how good my work, I'll lose my job.  These issues have come up in the past, and I'm sure if I walk away they'll come up again. So I do want to try and tackle it, and I do really want to stay.  I get frustrated with myself because I tell myself I'll go in that day and do this and that etc, but I get in feel like I've been swallowed by that environment.  If I could just go in and do the job I'd be fine!

I don't tend to get hung up on respect, and who respects who etc.  It just makes me think of rap songs and postcode gang wars when I hear about respect.  I am very 'respectful' and very friendly and polite when I meet new people, and I make a lot of effort to get along with people.  I don't like confrontation or atmosphere.  If I feel a break down in the relationship though with someone who has authority over me I find it incredibly difficult to move on from this.  I've had excellent team leaders in the past, and I had one that I really struggle with, and we were forced to talk through our differences which although uncomfortable we did and then found we got on really well.  I can't explain it, as much as I want to get on, and in my head I want to 'play the game' I get so uncomfortable I can't do it.  And then I get cross with myself, and go round in circles.  

I phoned their helpline Monday morning because I didn't make note of the reference and didn't get any email to confirm it had gone through, so just wanted to check.  The lady on the phone said she wouldn't be able to chase it up, if it had given a reference it will have gone through, but there's a 20 day delay at the moment.  I'm not at work next week, so by the time I get back it'll have been two weeks, so hopefully hear not long after.  

Yes, definitely but it can create a lot of tension holding on to this belief. For example, if I think I have to earn respect, I will be attempting to do just that instead of just being me. And if I think others have to earn it to get it from me, it’s like I would be constantly judging them ~ if that makes sense ~ and who am I to judge anybody?

How do you decided the bench mark for giving respect? And do you use the same bench mark for yourself as you do others? 

Yes to a large degree. I think there are some positions that deserve a certain amount of respect even if the current holder doesn't, but in general I think respect is earned.  Does that make sense?

... and likewise (just out of curiosity) do you believe as well that the only way for you to get respect from others is to deserve it? 

Pirate Santa said:

My problem is that I have been repeatedly told that I have no respect for authority.

I tend to have little/no respect for the authority of people who don't appear to deserve it...

Don’t give up. 

Their worries are legitimate. There’s nothing to argue with there. For example, if you haven’t yet found a way to be able to receive as given and therefore follow and carry out basic instructions, because you have perceived  the instructions in a way they weren’t intended, then you simply need to find ways around it, that’s all. 

You just have to somehow find a way of communicating to your manager etc what you’ve explained here, about how your colleagues don’t put the same demands on you as your manager does and therefore they don't get the same reactions from you. 

It’s not easy for us to explain ourselves  or for somebody else to understand us, but we don’t give in because when we do, the problem follows us and stays with us for all the days of our lives. 

But the cause of the problem goes underground when we give in and we get to a point that we don’t even know it’s there, even though it’s still causing problems, and then we go around blaming everyone and anyone but ourselves for the cause of our problems (because the real cause went underground) so they never get resolved, because we are the only ones who can do anything about anything to do with us. 

So I’m not saying, stay at a job you’re not enjoying, but still go after finding ways of dealing with this, even if it’s not in this particular work setting, if that makes sense? 

As I said, it’s not easy for us to understand ourselves and it’s even more difficult for others to understand us. For example, how could somebody else easily understand this about me :~

I can meet somebody I really like, say at a pottery group or even work or wherever. I might really get on well with the person, be having fun with them, I’m relaxed, I’m enjoying their company, we’re really getting on well. But then, if they were to suggest that we maybe meet for coffee or something, I will instantly want to kill them, stone dead

I will literally want to drag them to the floor, by their hair and punch and kick them and let them know how much I hate them and I would want to keep on kicking and screaming until this weird feeling/reaction in me has subsided. I guess when I was a kid and had a meltdown, I would probably just sleep afterwards and all would be well, but I can’t react like this as an adult, even though the impulse in me hasn’t changed, but I have had to change how I react to my inner reactions. 

And I’ve learned how to not react by kicking and screaming and also, the weird thing is, at the same time, I (used to anyway) think I wanted people to invite me for coffee’s etc!!! 

But regardless of what I want, my inner autism can often just goes crazy, all by itself, even when somebody does something really nice for me. 

Of course, I don’t kick off anymore (by kicking and screaming) and react to that initial feeling like I did as a kid, but it’s still there, the reaction or impulse in me is still there. 

I think what I’m trying to say is, we might be autistic but we can find ways around things. 

For example, with the right support, you and your manager might find different ways of her communicating information to you ~ there are more ways to communicate information other than verbally or sign language or written ~ you can find ways that work for you both in a way that enables you to see it for what it is, understand it and therefore get on with it. There are more than one way to skin a cat ~ not that I’ve ever tried to skin a cat! 

I thought that for me to be liked and for me to fit in, etc etc etc, I should be invited out for coffees etc, but most of the time that’s not really what I wanted anyway, so my innate reaction to want to KILL them also got mixed with, but I want to go for coffee with them which (wasn’t true) but even so, I believed it at the time and it made it even more confusing and difficult to deal with. 

This s**t is hard for me to work out and understand so I think it’s virtually impossible for somebody else to understand. 

But they don’t need to know all the inns and outs. Your manager just needs to know the basics in how it pertains to you at work and you can find new ways around it so you can continue to get the work done. 

We mostly don’t like to be put out and to find new ways of doing things etc, but it’s always worth the effort and that will be the same for us as well as your manager and co workers. 

If you give in now, the problem won’t go away, and it will present itself again and again in your life and will keep on doing so until you find a solution. 

For example, do some work around this, brainstorm it, write down different ways that your manager could use to communicate the information to you without you taking it the wrong way. You can go crazy with this. Don’t think of something and then immediately think, ‘well that will never happen’, because you don’t know that and at this stage, you’re just getting creative, thinking of all the ways that would help. The crazier the ideas the better it is sometime as they can sometimes lead to the very solution. 

For example, you might write, she must come to work wearing a snow man outfit and she must write her requests out on toilet paper and deliver them to me via Santa’s little elf! Have fun. It’s a way of getting out of the rigid thinking mind and  into a more creative mindset where the solutions are just waiting to be found. 

Maybe there’s someone at your workplace who you really trust and get on with and maybe they can act as a bit of a go between? I don’t know. Every situation is unique, just like you are, but just because situations and people are unique and that they don’t therefore always fit into the already established structures, it doesn’t mean you can’t find a new way. And who’s to say the new way isn’t going to be a better way and not just for you? You might find a way of doing things that others may adopt as well. 

And don’t think of this is a fight. It’s not. It’s simply you learning about yourself, how you fit into the world etc and how you can find creative solutions to enable you to stay in the workplace doing a job you want to do. 

I know that’s a long reply. But you’ve got so much awareness and you’re doing so well, I don’t want you to loose what I’m sure you’ve worked hard to build up. 

As autistic people, we are going to constantly and consistently come across what could be seen as barriers ~ this is a given, given we’re so different ~ so begin to see them as simply, this is the way life is, how can I make this situation easy for myself and others and if I can’t, learn to accept it and move on. 

Life is a big playground. Best of luck with it all. 

My problem is that I have been repeatedly told that I have no respect for authority.

Quite often people in upper management don't know what they are doing & make arbitrary decisions that I frequently disagree with. I've always seen it as my professional responsibilty to point out their mistakes since it's meant to be about teamwork rather then dictatorship, but they don't always see it that way.

I try not to speak out unless I know I am right & can prove it though, which often makes the problem worse when you are dealing with someone that can't take constructive criticism & doesn't like their authority being questioned.

Not sure what to suggest, just try not to view managers as anything special & if you know you are right, don't be afraid to question decisions when you are told no for arbitrary reasons. It might make things difficult at first, but once they learn you are usually in the right, you should eventually earn their trust (possibly even friendship) & be given the freedom you want.

Having said all that though, towards the end of my career I preferred to work from home, only consulting management when necessary.