does anyone else get like this? I have got on brilliantly with some of my line managers, if given some freedom to be comfortable and do things my way my work is excellent and I happily do extra, and am still friends with previous managers.
however I have gone through life having huge difficulties if I start feeling trapped. If I’m told I can’t do something, for the sake of being told no, like I view it as them having full control and I start to shut down. I have social conversations with others at work, but I can’t face even a simple conversation with my line manager. My line manager stares at me and asks question after question about my weekends, my evenings, how I am, what I’m doing that evening. If other people asked me I’d be able to talk to them.
I’ve lost jobs, left jobs and walked out due to this. I do feel bad because my line manager has been in tears and finds my behaviour very upsetting.
Does anyone else have similar struggles?
Much of this post could be about me!
The problem in my case was caused by micromanagement and a line manager who thought her purpose was to 'order people about' rather than get the best out of them.
A good manager should allow people to work to their strengths and capabilities, not to their weaknesses. Many years ago I had a manager who told me that a good manager was one who you didn't know was there, who allowed people freedom to do work in their own way as long as it gave the desired result (and obviously didn't involve dishonesty or bullying). And I thought at the time this was only a way of a manager being able to go off playing golf instead of performing his duties. But as time passed and with some awful managers since, I realise how true his comments were.
A good employer will have selected the candidate for the job and will then be able to trust the employee. Lack of trust shows lack of ability and lack of confidence in their choice. A manager should be there for someone to get guidance from but not be on your back all the time.
My problems really came to a head with a Tupe and a change of my job role. It led to five months off sick with depression, my autism diagnosis, a change of manager, and ultimately an application to the employment tribunal and a sum of money (I have kept my job, and now am allowed to work in my own way).
Micromanagement, belittling someone, setting someone up to fail, overburdening them with unsuitable work, micromanagement, are all traits of bullying. And this added to failure to listen leads to a breakdown in communication and a fear of the manager. I had great problems with communicating with my line manager, and a feeling of real fear as she just would not listen and anything I said would be ignored or used against me in some sort of 'performance' issue. I don't know what the school is where they are taught to act like this, suffice it to say that many managers behave in this way amongst other managers which are fair and treat people with respect.
The result of bad management is stress, anxiety and depression, mental illness and absence. And as autistics we are particularly prone to these conditions. I always believe it is lack of control that makes one stressed and gives anxiety, the thought of turning up to work becomes onerous and eventually one's opinion of oneself becomes overwhelmingly bad. It then rubs salt into the wound to have the manager saying they are 'trying to help' and have your best interests at heart.
It has taken a long time to get my situation turned round and it was a hard struggle but now I feel at least that I can turn up for work and not be criticised for everything I do. And by taking things to a nearly satisfactory conclusion under employment law has I hope made them think twice before they pull the same stunt again.
Yes! I can't stand micromanagement, especially when there's no help with actual work or when you've asked for work help but not got it, and then someone tries to micromanage something just for the sake of it. I believe a good manager should let you do things your way, as long as the work gets done. You've believed employed for a reason and there should be some trust and mutual respect.
Your experience and comments sound so similar to mine. I'm glad you've kept your job and can work in your own way!
I feel my current line manager doesn't have the skills to be a manager, I've had no training and get no help when I ask, yet they want to micromanage silly things. I asked about adjustments because I was struggling with the environment and was told no. So for months I've struggled, felt trapped, like sitting in a school detention every day, and eventually went off sick. What you say about lack of control is spot on I think. I had no control over anything, with my line manager having control over their office and how everyone else had to behave and work. Now I've been given reasonable adjustments-moved desks, headphones, reporting to someone else. But everytime they try and get us to talk to each other about rebuilding a work relationship I just shutdown again. I was told my line manager goes home in tears, and is so hurt to see that I talk to other people but wont talk to her. So now I feel really bad because I don't mean to do that to people.
Trust, once lost, is hard to regain.
I wouldn't feel bad about your line-manager going home in tears. That is her problem that she must address. She didn't seem particularly bothered about the affect she was having on you.
You could try offering an olive branch to her if you feel you are able. Tell her you are more comfortable now with your adjustments and would hope things can now move on. It has to be a two-way thing, it is no good you getting the flack and also trying to put an effort into the professional relationship.
I know how difficult that would be. But you do have to work together, so she should also put a professional approach in and let byegones be byegones, starting afresh and respecting the fact that you are autistic which doesn't mean you are incapable of doing things on your own, in fact it can help tremendously for you to be able to work things out for yourself.
It was definitely the case that no one was concerned for months when I said I was struggling.
I know I need to be able to start being able to rebuild the relationship, I just really struggle to do this. I said it would take some time and would need to happen naturally, a good starting point would be to just have meetings to discuss work, because then there is a purpose to the conversation, and from there conversations will start to happen naturally. But I'm told that's not good enough I can't have things my own way, I need to be able to have conversations and start each day saying good morning and asking how she is etc. It sounds stupid that I can't just do this, but to me it's just trying to force something.
I think Access to Work may be able to help you, not least that it may be possible for you to get funding for a support worker through them.
I have a support worker and she is a great help explaining to my line manager the difficulties I have in social interraction as well as other work related problems.
I get two sessions a month, of one and a half hours each session. One session is with my line manager as well, and the other session is (confidential) between me and my support worker, where we talk of any problems anywhere as well as talking on anything and everything. It really is a great help.
Expecting you to act like a neurotypical is not going to help you in the least. What needs to happen is your line manager to understand your problems and adapt accordingly. Trying to make you say 'good morning' and engage in small talk will not work and only make you feel worse.
Access to Work can also arrange for training for your managers and colleagues so they can begin to understand your problems.
I think that sounds exactly what I need. How did you go about getting that help? I think it could make a huge difference, to both my employer and to myself. Did you apply for it yourself?
There is an online form on the Access to Work website. They will then contact you and your employer and arrange to see you at work and assess your needs.
It is totally the opposite of PIP assessments, in that they want to help you, and my assessor was extremely helpful. Their purpose is to keep you in work, and should there be equipment you need they can also fund that. Your employer may end up paying some of the cost depending on the number of employees there are.
They will also suggest other adjustments such as screening if you need it to avoid distraction or a desk far away from the 'action' in the office or another room if there is one.
Access to Work:
Thanks for your advice and comments on this, I have followed your advice and done an application for access to work. I don’t know if I’ll get it though as I’m awaiting assessment. I can’t get occupational health help at work as the occupational health providers we use have said they have no expertise in autism so would be unable to help, but as my GP referred me for assessment to treat that as a diagnosis and make some reasonable adjustments. It’s worth trying though and see what they say. I think if I could get a support worker for a while it would help so much, or I really do think I’ll lose this job. How long did it take for them to contact you after your application?
many thanks again for sharing your experience and offering advice.
Access to work for many conditions doesn't actually need a diagnosis, but even if they did not give it you for your autism you could still get support for stress/anxiety/depression from a stress counsellor. But have any information to hand that you have from your doctor, including AQ scores which indicate autism and the way you are affected which makes it difficult for you in your job.
In any case they will contact you before they contact your employer and before any visit and explain the procedure. It is not in any way like a PIP assessment although the same companies may be involved in the assessment. Mental health conditions (which although Autism is not really a mental health condition is where it fits) are I believe dealt with by Remploy if you don't have a local Autism Service authorised to provide help through Access to Work.
I phoned their helpline Monday morning because I didn't make note of the reference and didn't get any email to confirm it had gone through, so just wanted to check. The lady on the phone said she wouldn't be able to chase it up, if it had given a reference it will have gone through, but there's a 20 day delay at the moment. I'm not at work next week, so by the time I get back it'll have been two weeks, so hopefully hear not long after.