Published on 12, July, 2020
Looking back over my childhood and considering various experiences within my wider family, I can trace not only what I believe to be the "path of autism" but also a fair amount of poverty, to varying degrees.
Now I'm not suggesting that there's a straightforward link between autism and poverty - certainly I can see many positives to my neurodivergent mind which have enabled me to make a fair living over the years - but the patterns do seem intertwined. I can see lots of issues with anxiety, depression and addiction too but increasingly I suspect these might be related to undiagnosed (and therefore unsupported) autism. The patterns seem to involve difficulties in the workplace (choosing and staying in jobs), education (especially higher education where independence and social factors seems to become increasingly important), accessing healthcare and applying for benefits (a stressful process in itself).
During my teenage years in particular, we went through a lot of poverty and our living conditions were quite poor, to the extent that we didn't dare invite people round and our social isolation became ever worse. Dad did what work he could, but was trapped in a low paying job and neither of my parents had much knowledge of the benefits system (I was quite shocked recently when my now elderly mother said that we probably could have claimed something to help).
And going back a generation, my grandmother's house was something of a disaster. No housework ever done, not much with which to do it, no repairs carried out, not much washing, a LOT of hoarding, alcohol consumption and gambling. It was like that with my uncles too, although they were very intelligent people and obviously quite talented in many ways.
Is this all necessarily to do with autism? Probably not. But I'm suspicious. Especially now that my sons are having major difficulties making their way in the world and a lot of our money seems to go on false starts in education and work. There's some good stuff in there too no doubt, but I'm worried.
Any thoughts?
I think it's a flawed link & a lot of what's said does resonate with me. Poverty is a complex issue, but you're looking at it from the wrong angle in my opinion. I don't consider myself a problem in any way or that how my life turns out, or the lives of others, is anything down to me or other individuals. To me, the problem is society and this idea of conforming to what is normal. If we were all meant to be the same then we could have all just been created with the same DNA but we are all different. Those differences should be something we all should feel proud of but for far too long we've all fallen into the trap of continuing this dangerous cycle of following these perceived cultural and social stereotypes, which we ourselves have created. Therefore, I see the whole of society and the culture we've created to be the problem that needs to be fixed, which will provide the solution.
It's like when people tell me anxiety and depression mean I'm broken. My response is that anxiety and depression make me normal, it makes me who I am and it makes me different rather than broken. My brain is simply different, how biochemical reactions take place are different, etc. Mental Health issues are more prevalent than people like to admit at times, to the point that mental health issues are indeed normal if only we were all prepared to admit it but out of fear we all keep everything bottled up out of not wanting to conflict with our programmed ideas of social norms. I've had enough with social norms and it's about time we fought to challenge these ideas and preconceptions. Society and culture aren't static so my choice is to do what I can to challenge these things rather than simply conform to what feels like the accepted normal. I am normal for me. Now I simply need to do what I can to challenge other people to redefine what is normal.
I do consider myself poor and it is a strain with wondering what the future can hold. I grew up pushing myself, challenging myself, focusing on what I can do to improve myself, to fit in, to adapt. What I think more now is "Why did I have to do all the work of having to adapt to everyone else, why can't everyone just work towards accepting the differences?" Rather than classifying someone as weak or stupid for whatever reason, simply see them as different, a human being with a different set of skills and abilities, who with help, can achieve something whatever that may be, rather than giving up on them from the start because they don't conform to some stereotype. We're not machines or robots but human beings. I worked hard, I struggled, I got an education, which all sounds very similar to my parents. My parents worked hard, they struggled, they got an education, but they're now retired having done nothing wrong in their lives according to the idea of a government who will look after those who do the right thing, yet they just about scrape by with their pensions while my parents still work to boost their income while we live in my grandmother's house who is paying the bills. Fortunately, my grandmother does have money though the downside being that she's done nothing much to help sort out my mother in her will as her rich son (my Uncle) is considered the favourite. Ok, it's her choice if that's what she wants but I don't want to hear her talking about loving us when she's prepared to send her daughter into severe poverty to help her rich son.
Anyway, back to the point, I thought that my hard work and my ability would be an asset. Funny thing, I ended up going into Accountancy though with a lack of support I was only able to reach the final level of CIMA exams and was unable to complete it, especially when my employer did absolutely nothing about the 3 years relevant experience. Like others have stated, I put up a mask, tried to fit in, tried to appear normal, but in the end everything I did counted for nothing. I still feel like a failure for the situation I'm in but I know I'm not because it wasn't me that failed, it was my employer and society who failed me. If anything, everything I did could be considered extremely remarkable considering my starting point in life with the difficulties and challenges I had to face and struggle with where others may not have had the same determination and focus I had to keep pushing myself in the hopes of achieving success. I didn't go to work to make friends but believed that my hard work and ability would be recognised and rewarded. I'd say I was definitely recognised considering I was the 'go to' man for all sorts of things, even helping to train people who were above me in the structure, even at times being more able and qualified than them too. However, I believe that due to my lack of social skills, I was seen as someone to be feared and controlled rather than being presented with training, support and opportunities for progression. The culture of my work environment was built on division, fear, deception and manipulation where social networks counted for everything due to the nature of office politics where people want their closest allies next to them to back them up. That wasn't me or my style, for me the priority was the work and the organisation.
I only got diagnosed when I was 32 while I was at that job. All I know is that after that, I was just starting to reflect on life in a different way as I had spent my entire life focusing on the idea of conforming to what I though society expected: to get educated, get a job, build a career, be successful. This is what my time growing up had programmed me to believe because I knew I had the ability and skills to be successful but others around me prevented me from getting there. It felt like I had spent so long focusing on trying to get through the wall in front of me, doing everything I could think of to get through it but it wouldn't budge. I just started to evaluate my life, what was the point of it all, so getting a bit philosophical and the like really. I came to the conclusion that this idea of gauging life success through career achievement and salary was meaningless to a degree because I had set myself up to fail due to the fact that the system I was trying to make progress in wasn't prepared to let me continue. I was prepared to give up on the idea and settle for a simple finance job at work, which would have meant earning enough to pay the bills so that I could focus on other things. I just realised that I was getting older, I was being discriminated against, the profession was competitive with a constant flow of new entrants, I was stuck between effectively being overqualified and skilled for the entry level jobs to restart my career, which was extremely competitive, but I didn't have the opportunities, support, skills, knowledge, etc. to really progress and thrive in taking the next step in my career.
Shortly after that, my employer made me reach my limit, by even taking that simple finance job away from me in an organisational restructure where I was forced into a job I didn't want on a permanent basis. To me, it was them effectively sending the message that this was it for me and that they would put me where they wanted me to be, which was out the way and with no chance of anything beyond it. I finally broke but I had built up my own reserves of strength and resilience because I would not allow them to beat me. There's only one person who can beat me and that's me, if I had given up that would have meant giving up on myself and letting them win, letting them walk all over me and allowing them to do it. I walked out even though it would mean giving up everything I had built up in life and gambling on the unknown of what would come next. If anything though, it makes me realise what my parents went through when I was growing up and everything since then had taught me about what it meant to not give up and to keep struggling even when things were bad. If anything, it's that mentality and drive which allowed me to remain with that employer for as long as I did.
By leaving, it lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and gave me the time and space to think about my life and lots of other things. I had fallen into the same trap and had ended up believing that it was the way I had to live, which then limited me and my options. I'm not exactly saying I have loads of options in life right now but I understand what's at stake with a society, culture and system that is built to fail so many people. So, I state once again, this doesn't have to be the way things are, we can change it and we should all be striving to do so. Just like we in the UK have recently celebrated that some women gained the right to vote 100 years ago, the fight for change, for equality, for fairness, for justice is a fight that we must all do our part in rather than accepting that the way things are is the way they must remain. It will take time for change to take place but we must not let these same cycles continue on.
Thank you so much for your thoughts on this. It all sounds very familiar and yes, I would say that the associated depression, anxiety and addiction I have seen in my family (plus experienced myself) are entirely understandable responses to adverse experiences. Whether we would have been so vulnerable to the effects of these experiences if we'd been neurotypical is debatable but I think what we've been through is more of a reflection on society than on us. And it does need to change.
Toxic working practices are presumably toxic to everyone to some degree and, in losing the ND thinkers, there is, I think, a significant loss to organisations and the economy.
The prospect of poverty does worry me though. I was squeezed out of my own accountancy role due to a final reorganisation which, curiously, left me and my job share singled out for involuntary redundancy. Subtext - "We'll make sure we get rid of those ND part-timers this time around". Everyone else in the department (including many who were less qualified) stayed.
My reflections on autism and poverty have therefore mainly sprung from the question, " Why does this keep happening to us?" But I totally accept that the link is indirect at best and cultural and structural changes are what's really needed.
That question leads to further negativity because the focus then leads to blaming yourself and seeing yourself as the problem, and in doing so trying to work out what's wrong with you, which can spiral into negativity. This deflects away from the real question of "Why do other people behave in such a manner?"
It doesn't prevent you from trying to see what you can improve about yourself but puts the emphasis on understanding the actual underlying factors of the real cause in my opinion.
Sorry, I should have been more specific. By "support they need", I basically mean like you're trying to do, just someone to be there to help them become themselves and find their own way rather than services that only make the situation worse, don't actually deal with the actual issues, which leads to escalating issues, which then take longer to process. So, basically, the chaos of your life so far pretty much represents them not getting the support they need. If the chaos continues, the process of them working things out will take a lot longer.
So, I suppose to put it simply, they need the support of someone who will actually work with them, not dictate to them, not judge them, not work against them.
Right now, you're expending a lot of energy trying to sort out the services that should actually be doing their jobs properly. To me, that isn't right.
This is brilliant Ms Butterfly and when I get home (I'm currently in the pub having something to eat) I will go through the list and respond because already I've got suggestions.
You did a great job and for sure, your needs will all be met ;)
Indeed. I was quite challenging in one appointment and the practitioner became angry and said I was disrespecting her. I was, however, simply objecting to going down the same routes as had already been tried and which had turned out to be quite damaging. I had a list as to why.
And now, knowing that services can be quite damaging, I sometimes hesitate to push for things.
Ah, here's what I think I want:
A co-ordinator who can act as my guide as to what services are available, the shortest waiting lists and, if these are long, which private or voluntary services locally might be of most help.
A coach/therapist with specialist knowledge of autism and family dynamics, who could see me initially weekly but then monthly as our situation eases, to act as a sounding board for my own ideas plus a bit like a counselling supervisor regarding strategies I might use that are in keeping with my person-centred approach. I'm prepared to pay for this but have no idea who to choose and trawling through, say, the BACP practitioner list seems very hitty-missy.
Strong advice and guidance on services for my sons, to which I can confidently refer them in our family discussions, knowing that, were they to take up any of our open-ended offers, the doors would be open for them and we could depend on them being seen promptly. Again, prepared to pay for this. The bottom line is that I would remortgage the house to help them (even though this would trigger my anxiety about poverty).
Some help with benefits claims for someone who refuses to engage with services and won't attend any DWP meetings (part of their total withdrawal from everything)
Some social skills training classes would be a help too, as my older son has specifically requested these but I can't find any.
Sigh.
In my dealings with alleged MH 'professionals' is that they have no clue about autism .Their only solution is to medicate the 'symptoms' into oblivion.
They seem to HATE high-functioning because you might dare question their god-like abilities.
They like low-functioning because they can push them around and it boosts their ego to medicate and 'cure' them.
Yes, following our experiences with services in recent years I no longer regard them as experts at all. In fact I am leery of handing over any more power to them than they already have and now seek help quite cautiously and with diminished hope.
If I could find something person-centred with access to specific training and support where this is in line with our own sense of what might usefully be developed, i'd go for that. However, services seem to be set up with a variety of one-size-fits-all, time limited CBT type interventions that generally aren't tailored to be more autism-friendly or work, gradually and tentatively, with an understandable reluctance to engage, or with families rather than individuals.
So, on essence we're mostly on our own.
I do adopt a person-centred approach with my sons. Basically this means that in terms of their needs and possible plans, I take my cue from them with no assumptions or judgements as far as possible.
Overall though, I'm not sure what is meant by getting someone the help or support they need because they might not be in a state of mind to communicate this, they might not want to confide or share and, even if they did, their idea of what they need might be neither available or affordable. Nor even safe if they want to sleep rough or adopt an extreme diet etc.
Once, after 3 years with the early intervention in psychosis team, our younger son ran away from home to escape "negative energy", was reported missing and then eventually brought home by the police. A WPC took me to one side and advised (just as a couple of his 6th form tutors had done a few years earlier) that this might be the time to "get him the help he needs"! She was, I think, quite shocked by my list of services already tried and the lengths to which we'd already gone.
I really wish I could be of more help to my sons. Possibilities are opening up with my older son and we have long conversations that help us to get our bearings and make better choices as regards support. But my younger son will barely speak to us, in spite of us building what we think is a relaxed environment and holding space for him.
If I can't get any help from MAIN then it does seem as though we're going to be left to go through our own processes with all of this.
You do all those things, i.e. care for others because for whatever reason, you feel the need to care for others. Otherwise you wouldn't do it. Unless you feel obligated and if so, why? Where does that come from?
If you want more resources, get clear on what resources you need and write them down, in detail. Including how that particular resource will help you. What benefit will you gain from it?
With that you have a start. Although often times we need support just to get to that stage. We can often be so entrenched in the situation that we can't see the wood for the trees.
This is why forums like this are helpful. We can share what's going on for us. Face to face support groups, I've found, have been invaluable also. I'm currently part of two local autism groups although I mainly only go on the days out with one of them. But talking to others in similar situations and being around people who understand us and are similar to us etc, can be a huge help in itself. It can help us get things in some kind of clearer perspective as well. Although I've never really understood the whole friend thing, I'm learning all about friendships and the value of friends which has surprising benefits I wasn't aware of.
Until you know what you want, you can't get it and when you do, you will get it, if you don't stop 'until' you actually do get it. And when we open our minds (I know, difficult for us by the very nature of our autism) but we can do it when we can see the benefit of doing it and with support.
I just thought I'd say that your comment about the therapist seems to sum up the problem with many services that are supposed to exist to help people yet they don't seem to understand their patients.
You go to them for help, then they seem to redirect the question back at you, which leads to you feeling confused and frustrated that their help seems to not achieve anything. They're supposed to be the experts but they're clearly not the experts because they fail to even try to understand the individuals they're dealing with as though a one size fits all approach will work on everyone.
I think only your sons will be able to answer the question of how independent they can become, but that's also based on them getting the support they need otherwise who knows how long that may take if they have to go through their own process.
I've learnt a lot of stuff on my own and managed to find my own way, which is an ongoing process, but I do wonder what difference it could have had if I had been diagnosed at an early age.
I'm not sure. Some of this may well be to do with me gradually moving into the more traditional female role. This has happened over a number of years and some of it also has to do with my husband's severe depression as well as my sons' difficulties. I've been moving into the role of carer for some time and around 4 years ago this was compounded when my mother had a stroke, also needing my involvement.
Some of it really feels OK to me. My mother helped us a lot when our sons were younger and I want to help her now. It's also fair to say that, due to other pressures, I wasn't exactly the parent I could have been, I missed the whole autism thing completely and my sons are now in early adulthood as we gain awareness and figure out how best to proceed. So I do feel quite a bit of responsibility.
But I'm not sure I'm using my time to best effect. I also cannot say how much of my sons' situations is due to disability rather than other factors. Also what we might reasonably hope for and whether they can actually be more independent. Pointless pushing for the impossible but how am I supposed to know?
I feel hampered mostly because services only seem to be geared up to help individuals rather than families. And I feel need help as a parent to adult children. Meanwhile, I'm running our finances down trying to get prompt assessments privately because I feel bad for not recognising the problems at an earlier stage. Plus left with rent to pay for a guarantorship we signed before our son failed to progress on his degree.
The lack of support and the eroded finances leave me feeling anxious and emotionally drained too. My therapist simply agreed with me and stated, empathically, "Yes, that must be difficult" whilst all the time I am almost screaming, "Yes, but what am I supposed to do?"
Overall I think more resources are required. I guess that feeling is common enough though.
I've often wondered whether my habit of forcing myself to try to fit in, earn a living etc etc despite the appalling fallout on my health and wellbeing has more to do with a somewhat punishing upbringing or just that women are just expected to get on with it and fit in whilst boys are given more choices? I think it's important to be as accepting as possible - but at the same time you can't be expected to carry 3 people? I don't think anyone is up to parenting really, and I do think that AS women often make better parents however hard it is to cope with all the demands. You'll find a way through, but I'm feeling the absence of support that AS people seem to experience within extended families - or maybe all single mothers are grappling alone in the dark?
Thanks again. It's true that I'm making the best choices I can in the circumstances. I think I'm living with high levels of fear and anxiety after everything that's happened. I honestly thought I was completely up to parenting but as it's turned out I'm hardly coping.
I had hoped my sons would have flown the nest by now but it's very much as if they've seen the adult world and completely retreated in response. At the same age I did the opposite and forced myself to keep going irrespective of the high levels of distress inside. But the underlying feelings are very familiar to me and, looking back, I can see that I could have easily gone the other way. It's all felt a bit like walking a tightrope so in many ways I should have recognised the true nature of the difficulties.
Still, here I am with two adult sons and I'll continue to do my best to support them in their choices. My conversations with my older son are slowly moving away from blame and into a more constructive direction, but who can tell where this will all lead?
I was always the withdrawn type. Then I had to force myself when I got to university. It was a long process and it was probably only in my late 20s that I felt able to start a process of being a bit more open until I was finally diagnosed at 32.
Being a parent is for life that's for sure. I've made the choice not to have children because I just don't think I could cope with it all, the relationships, the responsibilities, the bringing children into a world that could only bring them pain and suffering, etc. My youngest nephew was the first in our family to be diagnosed and even seeing what he's going through as my sister has recently pulled him out of secondary school, which he only started this year. I can't even begin to imagine what his future may be like.
I'm sure things are extremely difficult for you and your family but you're doing what you can with your limited available options. I can only offer my written support and hope that things will work out for you. Whatever happens will happen and all you can do is know that at the end of it all you did what you could so don't blame yourself or have regrets.
I'll share another story too. My oldest nephew, as a baby, was rushed into hospital one day while his parents were at work. He was with a child minder. I'm going to avoid details here, but there was evidence of brain injury, which led to the involvement of social services. Their first course of action was to take my nephew away from the family and put him up for adoption. At the end of it all we got lucky in a lot of ways and my nephew was eventually returned to the family but it could have so easily been a different outcome. At the time, his parents put faith in the system to recognise their innocence whereas my initial response was to contact the solicitors due to the fact that I had no faith in the system to recognise their innocence. That delay could have so easily led to the loss of my nephew to the adoption system but, like I say, in a lot of ways we got lucky even as his parents were under continuous attack from the system that treated them unfairly.
So, like I say, I don't know how your situation will end up, but please don't blame yourself for whatever happens because I know you're not to blame. I'm sure others will also state that you're not to blame.
This is why I've made the choice to accept whatever future may come my way and I will not blame my parents because they tried their hardest to do what they could. I too tried my hardest to improve my life but it has so far ended in failure, but I don't blame myself because I tried and did what I could. This is why I choose to participate in such communities, in politics and to do what I can to help make my voice heard because it's the only thing I feel I can do that may stand the chance of making a difference. Even if not for me, maybe for my youngest nephew or the generation after that. I don't regret any of my choices in life because no matter the outcomes I made the best choices I could considering the circumstances.
Thanks Shadow. The inappropriate services were basically thrust upon us because our son was deemed to be at risk and it was thought that he had schizophrenia. So we'll not be going back there again.
I have an appointment with a local autism charity, MAIN, early in January and I'm hoping they'll be able to advise us too. The problem there is that this is a follow up to my own diagnosis and will be there to consider my needs and not our needs as a family. I think they focus on things that might help me to work or socialise whereas I want 1:1 help with family dynamics and understanding ways in which I can help us all. As a 55 year old woman my needs for help with getting a job etc lie firmly in the past. I needed that when I was about 18! I'm hoping they'll be able to signpost or give me some clues though.
The quality time is always available and I view this as a priority. Our older son talks to us quite a bit and even if it's just to vent I see this as a safety valve. I struggle to engage with our younger son, though, as he mostly avoids us and is very withdrawn. So far nothing has really helped and he will no longer engage with services either.
I'm hoping they both know we love them. We still tell them every so often.
I've a feeling we're in this for the longer term though. Your interpretation of what we're experiencing is broadly correct, just I think things are much more severe than can easily be conveyed. I'm basically very scared if not traumatised by what we're been through and this also makes me worry about the future, including whether our finances can withstand all of this.
I'm sure you do. As a parent you would surely feel a sense of responsibility.
Now acknowledge some of the things you're saying. These are some of my thoughts but I may be wrong because you're the one in the situation not me.
1) You're learning and reflecting on things, which means you can start a process of changing that relationship with your sons into something more positive.
2) There's a difference between anger and blame. Your son is angry and in the process of venting you can become an easy target. It doesn't necessarily mean that he blames you but clearly he needs to vent his anger as part of a process so all you can do is be there for him as part of his journey through that process. It may be hard but don't take his anger venting personally and make sure he knows that you love him.
3) Being batted around various people and services is only going to end up escalating things, especially if they don't properly understand you, your son or the situation you're in. So maybe you need to ask yourself if these services are what is needed or if there's another approach? I don't know the specifics of your circumstances but maybe you need to see what else may be available, even local charities. So why not try having a bit of a look around in your area to see what else may be available.
4) As I have said, maybe you need to find some quality time to actually sit with your sons and talk to them. It may not be an easy task but your experiences, awareness and understanding may be more useful than you realise so don't underestimate yourself or devalue yourself. It may not be easy but be open and honest with them, acknowledge what you've learnt, what you can do, what you'd like to be able to do better, etc.
Being a parent has got to be the toughest job in the world, so I wish you luck.
Yes, I do feel some ongoing level of responsibility because things have gone so very badly for my sons and it's become clear that I have repeated some of my own parents' patterns of parenting that were less than helpful.
My older son is very angry with us for not picking up on the things that were wrong and seeking help at a much earlier stage. My younger son will barely interact with us or indeed anyone and his situation resembles that of an "hikikomori". I am aghast at how things have gone and the past few years have been both disastrous and ridiculously expensive as we try to buy in help when we can. They've also been extremely distressing as we've been batted about from one service to another (including crisis teams and the early intervention in psychosis team) before possible autism was even mentioned.
Following on from my own diagnosis with autism I finally have more of an inkling as to what has been happening all along, including my dad's difficulties at work, his fear of doctors and services that meant nothing was ever tackled and the general lack of acceptance or support that really cut us adrift.
I now want to focus on what can be done, definitely favouring the approach of learning whilst being supported wherever possible, but it's fair to say that I really do fear one of them ending up on the streets. A few years ago, in fact, we were only able to prevent this for our younger son by affording alternative accommodation at short notice. Without that he'd have been another young and vulnerable person sleeping rough.
One very anxious mother here. And yes, I'll be honest, that part of me which blamed my dad is only now fading away and I feel really bad for never realising he was probably autistic too.
That's why we need to build experiences in a positive and supportive way. If there had been a better way to gain experience than what I went through then I would have preferred it. The good old throwing someone in at the deep end of the swimming pool without support and seeing whether they sink or swim. Hardly the positive approach to building someone up when they could have still learnt to swim through being supported while being in the swimming pool at the shallow end.
That's the harsh reality of the world though. You want someone to be there for your sons but they may not get that support. It doesn't mean we shouldn't be striving to change things in the longer term but like you've said it leaves a lot of problems in the shorter term that may remain unresolved for decades.
Poverty and bullying contributed towards issues for me that have also taken me time to process, of which I still am processing. I think I'd call it experience building rather than character building though. Maybe a slight difference for me is the fact that I channelled my anger into pushing myself and improving myself because I did have some belief in my ability and potential but was never able to fully demonstrate it due to lack of support and opportunities. Also, my parents never focused on what they didn't have, they focused on what they could do to keep going and to try to make things better.
I'm not going to say there's an easy answer but all you can do is live your life and try to manage those issues as best you can because you currently have no control over what you worry about. That's easier said than done but it's the truth.
I get the impression that you're putting everything on your own shoulders and feeling responsible for everything that has happened, which will no doubt lead to feeling guilty and potentially feeling like you're a bad father for bringing them into this world and not being able to provide the support you feel they deserve to be able to live a good life.
You're not a bad father though and I'm sure your sons wouldn't blame you either. Maybe what you need is to find some time to sit down with your sons and talk to them about this. Maybe it will help with your sons needing to talk about things or ask questions that will help them in their own lives. However, know that if your sons find themselves in poverty that it will not be your fault.
I don't blame my parents for their poverty or for my poverty. If this is the way my life is so be it. If I have to lose everything and end up on the streets so be it. However, I will never blame my parents. I am angry about a lot of things in my life but I refuse to let my emotions consume me because what I need to focus on are my current options of "What can I do?" From there I can take the next step forward and see where it takes me.
So, I can only pose that question to you in the hopes that it may lead you to seeing what actions you can take.
I have very mixed feelings about it. In many ways the poverty and then the school bullying demolished parts of me and weren't character-building at all - well, not in any positive sense. It's taken me a long time to rebalance myself away from grasping for opportunities and going for decent salaries, even though I doubted my suitability for these jobs.
I also find it's led to a belief that, however bad things get, there'll be nobody to help us and for this reason I feel more isolated in the world. This has led to me feeling angry and disconnected too.
It's true that it's a balancing act and I do want to foster coping skills in my sons. To that end i don't rush in to help and have never been "hovering", ready to rescue them from consequences.
But I'm very afraid of the harsher realities associated with poverty. I think I actually have some scars from all of that and these have undermined my confidence and capabilities both in and out of the workplace. Along with the effects of (undiagnosed) autism I think my earnings have taken a significant hit too.
It all worries me because I think I've learnt more about the factors which undoubtedly affected my dad and reduced his earnings, but far too late in life for anything to be changed for him (he died 3 years ago). It's all still open for my sons, but some troubling signs are there and I really hope that we're not at the beginning of a similar cycle.
I can understand why the thought of poverty haunts you. I've just come to the conclusion that for now all I can do is try to do what I can with the things I do have power over. It's not easy but I always think to myself that I am simply privileged to be alive and although life can be scary and difficult there's still much we can appreciate no matter what our circumstances.
As for the idea of helping the next generation, the only thing you can ever do is help prepare the next generation for the challenges that lay ahead of them. Yes, the next generation will no doubt face difficulties and challenges, whether they will be similar to our own or not. All we can do is provide them with the skills and knowledge to be able to endure and rise above such things rather than to give up and give in to despair.
I often find myself thinking that my circumstances growing up were a driving factor for me to strive towards something greater. If I had grown up in different circumstances I don't know exactly how it may have impacted me so growing up seeing my parents struggle really had an impact on me. So, in a way, sometimes growing up in poverty can teach us a lot about the true value of things and the things that do matter in life. I was thankful to have a roof over my head and a mattress on the floor. However, we also need to guard against the idea of over protecting people because then that can also lead to depriving the next generation of what they will need to learn if we try to do everything for them. We need to build them up and provide them with strong foundations that will allow them to feel confident and prepared in knowing that there will be difficulties and that they can feel able to approach those difficulties with a sense of confidence and determination, rather than anxiety. It will not be easy but we can't always be there to protect those around us so we need to help them feel able to stand on their own feet and feel able to take the next step forward even if they're uncertain what it may lead to, to help them feel that no matter if they fall down due to the challenges of life that they can find the internal strength to pull themselves back up again. It may seem harsh in a way but the challenges we face help us build up mechanisms for coping and managing so depriving people of such things can prevent people from developing those skills of coping and managing. I always say to myself, the bullying and abuse I grew up with in school helped prepare me for life and my life may have been worse as an adult if I hadn't experienced those things in childhood and learnt to cope with it in my own way.
I agree with that. By figuring myself out through the issues I've had, the experiences I've been through, analysing myself and reflecting on all these things and how they have impacted on me has helped me build my own pool of knowledge about psychology, understanding my thoughts, my behaviours and through that gaining a greater understanding of how others can think and behave.
I also agree that disclosure is important now that I feel I can be so much more open about it as it helps to create greater awareness and understanding, even if the impact of such things may not be immediate for everyone. I currently work for an employer where I have disclosed my mental health issues and my autism. They have been understanding and supportive so while things may get stressful at work I have other people I can talk to who will do what they can to help me just as I try my best to help them when they have things going on because that's what a team should do. They actually want to support me and provide me with opportunities but the issue is that it's a small company run mainly on volunteers and doesn't have much spare money for things so I do feel quite honoured that they saw me as someone worth actually paying for from that limited pool of money, even if it's part time minimum wage. I know that the company has future potential so I'm gambling on the longer game to endure until I can get a higher salary and more hours.
Not sure whether I'll ever be able to return to work due to ongoing issues with my health but also my sons' situations, which don't seem to be letting up. But If I do I will certainly disclose. It does appear that things are moving on, if only a little.
That said, my issues began in early childhood, probably around the age of 4 when I first went to primary school and I think the other children somehow scented a difference in me. So I think things would have to change in the education system first of all. After all of the bullying and exclusion at school, I was a nervous wreck by the time I started work, and this affected my ability to trust others, present appropriately and certainly to be a "team player" (hate that term). My issues were, of course, seen as my fault and I'm afraid I felt that I just needed to redouble my efforts in order to fit in. At the same time, my parents had no advice or guidance to offer because their own workplace experiences had been so dire and the awareness and support for them non existant.
To me it feels very much as though things have needed to move in a different direction for a long, long time and that, although I can certainly be part of a counter-culture, I also need to do what I can to protect us from poverty in the meantime.
I can relate to that. It’s taken me the best part of a year and the help of 3 support workers to get me to finally learn to take baby steps. I was getting to the point where if I heard them say ‘baby steps’ one more time I was going to freak out, but eventually, they got through to me, and now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, I’ve gone probably more in that direction than intended!!!! Lol! The black and white thinking and the all or nothing mentality doesn’t change, but I can now at least take some time before acting on my first, second, third or even fourth instinct or more.
I didn’t know life could be lived in the slow lane whilst still achieving goals but I found out for myself that the less I did, the more I achieved and many things simply sort themselves out without any input from me, if I leave them be. This means I can achieve goals, go at my own pace and really take time to smell the roses along the way ~ which is the best part for me. I love being outdoors in the countryside, it’s my medicine, my tonic and more and I’m building time in nature into my routine as a matter of priority.
Many thanks. I'll have a look. I think my manner of processing and learning stuff can engender a bit of conflict in itself. On the one hand I rattle through things to extract what I think I need in the shortest possible time. And on the other I get frustrated because, of course, this only gives me the kind of surface learning which convinces me I've checked something out when really I haven't done it justice at all.
I often just need to slow it all down but this flies in the face of my anxious perception that I'm always on the middle of a crisis and need help fast.
Sigh...
Absolutely Jenny, I totally understand ~ I've worked out that on average, it takes me about 3 weeks to process even the simplist of things and I've realised that the way I do process and learn stuff, isn't straight forward, even though my thinking often is.
You can ask me anything anytime but certainly take your time. Just as a way of giving you more information about metaphysical counselling, you can find out more at https://metaphysicalsociety.com/metaphysical-counselling/ they're accredited etc and I can vouch for them but I'm certainly not promoting them or anything, rather just letting you know they're there.
Thank you BlueRay. Yes, there is certainly this kind of conflict at the heart of it so maybe a different kind of counselling would be helpful at this point. I did try psychosynthesis a few years ago, but am not sure how this might compare with metaphysical counselling. It's something I'll have to investigate. I'm generally a very conflicted and uptight person so going to the core of that and understanding how it impinges would help. I might then be able to unravel some of it.
Lots of food for thought here generally too. I need to mull things over and come back.
Much appreciated.
You don’t have to read this (obviously) or take any notice of it ~ I wouldn’t be offended. I see things very differently from most people so I’m not always the easiest person to understand. When I respond, I never know what I’m going to say and I never say I’m right, that this is how it is, I simply offer my perspective. This is what came up for me.
Ok, first things first.
First of all I ask you to close your eyes, get comfortable and take three long deep breathes. Be with the breath as you breath it in, all the time being fully aware of the breath as it enters your body through the nostrils. Travel with the breath as it fills your whole body, and when it’s full, hold it for a moment then with a big audible sigh ( this is backed by science but I won’t go into that here), simply let it all out. Do this three times, then sit quietly with the breath as it slowly finds its rhythm, without any effort from you.
When you’re ready, read on :)
There is so much inner conflict going on inside of you. I could name many of your inner conflicts but I think that they stem from believing you have to be in control, you need to be in control while at the same time wanting to be completely vulnerable and for somebody to come along and take it all from you. To make it all alright. Or to at least help in some way.
I can relate to this. I think part of our experience with autism means that we have a deep need to be in control, we often take on all the responsibility while also putting the blame on others, on things outside of us, people, circumstances, finances etc etc. It’s like a never ending cycle of hell. And it is.
Imagine that in your mind you have two teams and each team has a team of its own. One team is all about putting the responsibility on other people, places, circumstances etc etc. The other team is all about taking full responsibility, for everything and everyone. Each team has a great team who have collected much evidence to prove their point.
You stand in the middle and like a good negotiator, you strive to give both sides equal airtime, without judgement, in order to come up with a middle path, a resolution, a way forward.
But this is not possible. You can’t in one breath say that you take on all the responsibility for everyone and everything and in the next breath, blame others. You can’t be both in charge and ask for help, it will never work. But there is another way.
You’ve got your appointment with the autism team in January and that’s great. I’m sure they can at least help with the benefits. If they can’t personally help then they may have somebody they can refer you too, if not, you can get in touch with a local disability rights group or DIAL (they helped me with my pip application and I just won my appeal).
With regards to your youngest son. Maybe isolation is what he needs right now? My sisters nephew barely came out of his bedroom for years. He never went to school. His parents were taken to court several times. They used to leave his meals outside his bedroom door and he would open the door when they left, take it inside, eat it then put his empty dishes back outside the door. He seriously barely left his room for years. Then all of a sudden, he got a job, which was temporary to begin with, but he did such a good job that he was given a permanent contract. He also turned up for Christmas dinner with us all, about 16 or so of us and even though he’s still living at home and lives a relatively reclusive life compared to other young men his age, he seems happy and he seems to be enjoying his life. So maybe this is just what your son needs just now. I myself have barely left my house in the past two years. I have not kept in touch with people, including my family, but it’s what I needed and I’m now slowly coming out of this phase.
With regards to your oldest son, it might be helpful to explore this idea of social skills training a bit more. For example, what is it that he desires to achieve, for example, friends, a love interest, to be able to simply join in with activities he enjoys? The help he needs could come from a whole host of places depending on what he wants to achieve so it’s important to keep exploring this area in order to clearly identify what support will best help him achieve his aims.
For you, the only thing I can recommend is metaphysical counselling. I’ve been in therapy since I was 16 and the only therapy/counselling that ever got to the core or to the source of the ‘problem’ - for want of a better word - was metaphysical counselling. I had this conflict going on in my mind, similar to yours. I realise now that part of it is the autistic mind needing to be in ultimate control and even though I really did want help, I simply couldn’t be completely open to it. Metaphysics goes beyond that level of mind in order to resolve the conflict. Einstein said you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it. We have to use a different level of understanding. Metaphysical counselling doesn’t require you to have any metaphysical understanding. It works with you from where you’re at. It can use common psychological approaches right through to mystical approaches, depending on the person. That’s not the important part. The important part is that it cuts to the source of the conflict.
I can personally recommend a practitioner. It’s like she has a lazer like precision to get straight to the point. You can’t do this by yourself, none of us can.
Anyway, without having a more in depth consultation with you, I don’t think I can say much more. All I know is that you’re at the heart of all this and you need to be where your attention is right now. Regardless of what’s happening with your boys, your husband, your family as a whole or your mother, you have to find some level of stability and peace in your mind and I’m not dissing other therapies etc, I would never do that, but in everything you say I see this inner battle of conflict and I see little point in dealing with each one separately, I would go straight to the heart of them and that’l deal with all of them.
My heart goes out to you, it truly does and I have no worries about your boys. You have given them and continue to give them the one thing we all want, the most important thing in life, which is love and acceptance and a home. You do your best for them and more and our love speaks louder than our actions. We all get that part wrong time and time again because we don’t know the bigger picture, how could we, we haven’t got there yet, our lives are still happening and they never will go to plan. But we can always strive to give our love and sometimes that means giving it to ourselves, regardless of the needs of others around us. Their needs will always be there but unless you attend to your needs, you can’t continue indefinitely to meet everyone else’s needs. Sometimes in life we have to put ourselves first. I would suggest this is one of those times for you. And often, when we let things be, they work out anyway. But we can’t neglect our own needs.
I know what it’s like to live with that dreadful conflict inside the mind. Nothing seems to appease it. But I no longer live with it. That’s not to say that the thoughts no longer appear, but they appear less often and when they do, I’m finding I can deal with them much quicker. My life’s a work in progress like everybody else’s but since I found a way to get rid of that inner conflict, it’s so much more enjoyable. Best wishes to you and a happy new year to you also X
Yes, services are fragmented, patchy and under-resourced when what we need is continuity, co-ordination between services and appropriate signposting, without having to join yet another waiting list once one service decides they can't help us.
I foolishly expected more but now realise that it might be quicker for me to seek some autism training for myself!