Autism and poverty

I can relate to that. It’s taken me the best part of  a year and the help of 3 support workers to get me to finally learn to take baby steps. I was getting to the point where if I heard them say ‘baby steps’ one more time I was going to freak out, but eventually, they got through to me, and now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, I’ve gone probably more in that direction than intended!!!! Lol! The black and white thinking and the all or nothing mentality doesn’t change, but I can now at least take some time before acting on my first, second, third or even fourth instinct or more. 

I didn’t know life could be lived in the slow lane whilst still achieving goals but I found out for myself that the less I did, the more I achieved and many things simply sort themselves out without any input from me, if I leave them be. This means I can achieve goals, go at my own pace and really take time to smell the roses along the way ~ which is the best part for me. I love being outdoors in the countryside, it’s my medicine, my tonic and more and I’m building time in nature into my routine as a matter of priority. 

Many thanks.  I'll have a look.  I think my manner of processing and learning stuff can engender a bit of conflict in itself.  On the one hand I rattle through things to extract what I think I need in the shortest possible time.  And on the other I get frustrated because, of course, this only gives me the kind of surface learning which convinces me I've checked something out when really I haven't done it justice at all.

I often just need to slow it all down but this flies in the face of my anxious perception that I'm always on the middle of a crisis and need help fast.  

Sigh...

Thank you Former Member ! I am definitely going to think about this and bring it up on the next event (neurodiversityworkforce.wordpress.com). 

Absolutely Jenny, I totally understand ~ I've worked out that on average, it takes me about 3 weeks to process even the simplist of things and I've realised that the way I do process and learn stuff, isn't straight forward, even though my thinking often is. 

You can ask me anything anytime but certainly take your time. Just as a way of giving you more information about metaphysical counselling, you can find out more at https://metaphysicalsociety.com/metaphysical-counselling/ they're accredited etc and I can vouch for them but I'm certainly not promoting them or anything, rather just letting you know they're there. 

Thank you BlueRay.  Yes, there is certainly this kind of conflict at the heart of it so maybe a different kind of counselling would be helpful at this point.  I did try psychosynthesis a few years ago, but am not sure how this might compare with metaphysical counselling.  It's something I'll have to investigate.  I'm generally a very conflicted and uptight person so going to the core of that and understanding how it impinges would help.  I might then be able to unravel some of it. 

Lots of food for thought here generally too.  I need to mull things over and come back.  

Much appreciated.

You don’t have to read this (obviously) or take any notice of it ~ I wouldn’t be offended. I see things very differently from most people so I’m not always the easiest person to understand. When I respond, I never know what I’m going to say and I never say I’m right, that this is how it is, I simply offer my perspective. This is what came up for me. 

Ok, first things first. 

First of all I ask you to close your eyes, get comfortable and take three long deep breathes. Be with the breath as you breath it in, all the time being fully aware of the breath as it enters your body through the nostrils. Travel with the breath as it fills your whole body, and when it’s full, hold it for a moment then with a big audible sigh ( this is backed by science but I won’t go into that here), simply let it all out. Do this three times, then sit quietly with the breath as it slowly finds its rhythm, without any effort from you. 

When you’re ready, read on :) 

There is so much inner conflict going on inside of you. I could name many of your inner conflicts but I think that they stem from believing you have to be in control, you need to be in control while at the same time wanting to be completely vulnerable and for somebody to come along and take it all from you. To make it all alright. Or to at least help in some way. 

I can relate to this. I think part of our experience with autism means that we have a deep need to be in control, we often take on all the responsibility while also putting the blame on others, on things outside of us, people, circumstances, finances etc etc. It’s like a never ending cycle of hell. And it is. 

Imagine that in your mind you have two teams and each team has a team of its own. One team is all about putting the responsibility on other people, places, circumstances etc etc. The other team is all about taking full responsibility, for everything and everyone. Each team has a great team who have collected much evidence to prove their point. 

You stand in the middle and like a good negotiator, you strive to give both sides equal airtime, without judgement, in order to come up with a middle path, a resolution, a way forward. 

But this is not possible. You can’t in one breath say that you take on all the responsibility for everyone and everything and in the next breath, blame others. You can’t be both in charge and ask for help, it will never work. But there is another way. 

You’ve got your appointment with the autism team in January and that’s great. I’m sure they can at least help with the benefits. If they can’t personally help then they may have somebody they can refer you too, if not, you can get in touch with a local disability rights group or DIAL (they helped me with my pip application and I just won my appeal). 

With regards to your youngest son. Maybe isolation is what he needs right now? My sisters nephew barely came out of his bedroom for years. He never went to school. His parents were taken to court several times. They used to leave his meals outside his bedroom door and he would open the door when they left, take it inside, eat it then put his empty dishes back outside the door. He seriously barely left his room for years. Then all of a sudden, he got a job, which was temporary to begin with, but he did such a good job that he was given a permanent contract. He also turned up for Christmas dinner with us all, about 16 or so of us and even though he’s still living at home and lives a relatively reclusive life compared to other young men his age, he seems happy and he seems to be enjoying his life. So maybe this is just what your son needs just now. I myself have barely left my house in the past two years. I have not kept in touch with people, including my family, but it’s what I needed and I’m now slowly coming out of this phase. 

With regards to your oldest son, it might be helpful to explore this idea of social skills training a bit more. For example, what is it that he desires to achieve, for example, friends, a love interest, to be able to simply join in with activities he enjoys? The help he needs could come from a whole host of places depending on what he wants to achieve so it’s important to keep exploring this area in order to clearly identify what support will best help him achieve his aims. 

For you, the only thing I can recommend is metaphysical counselling. I’ve been in therapy since I was 16 and the only therapy/counselling that ever got to the core or to the source of the ‘problem’ - for want of a better word - was metaphysical counselling. I had this conflict going on in my mind, similar to yours. I realise now that part of it is the autistic mind needing to be in ultimate control and even though I really did want help, I simply couldn’t be completely open to it. Metaphysics goes beyond that level of mind in order to resolve the conflict. Einstein said you can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it. We have to use a different level of understanding. Metaphysical counselling doesn’t require you to have any metaphysical understanding. It works with you from where you’re at. It can use common psychological approaches right through to mystical approaches, depending on the person. That’s not the important part. The important part is that it cuts to the source of the conflict. 

I can personally recommend a practitioner. It’s like she has a lazer like precision to get straight to  the point. You can’t do this by yourself, none of us can. 

Anyway, without having a more in depth consultation with you, I don’t think I can say much more. All I know is that you’re at the heart of all this and you need to be where your attention is right now. Regardless of what’s happening with your boys, your husband, your family as a whole or your mother, you have to find some level of stability and peace in your mind and I’m not dissing other therapies etc, I would never do that, but in everything you say I see this inner battle of conflict and I see little point in dealing with each one separately, I would go straight to the heart of them and that’l deal with all of them. 

My heart goes out to you, it truly does and I have no worries about your boys. You have given them and continue to give them the one thing we all want, the most important thing in life, which is love and acceptance and a home. You do your best for them and more and our love speaks louder than our actions. We all get that part wrong time and time again because we don’t know the bigger picture, how could we, we haven’t got there yet, our lives are still happening and they  never will go to plan. But we can always strive to give our love and sometimes that means giving it to ourselves, regardless of the needs of others around us. Their needs will always be there but unless you attend to your needs, you can’t continue indefinitely to meet everyone else’s needs. Sometimes in life we have to put ourselves first. I would suggest this is one of those times for you. And often, when we let things be, they work out anyway. But we can’t neglect our own needs. 

I know what it’s like to live with that dreadful conflict inside the mind. Nothing seems to appease it. But I no longer live with it. That’s not to say that the thoughts no longer appear, but they appear less often and when they do, I’m finding I can deal with them much quicker. My life’s a work in progress like everybody else’s but since I found a way to get rid of that inner conflict, it’s so much more enjoyable. Best wishes to you and a happy new year to you also X 

Some people will have an easier time than others in some areas of their lives but then they may struggle in areas where others may have an easier time. Some will win running races without any legs while some with perfectly good legs won't even walk to the shop. It's all a matter of how we see the world and our beliefs. 

I agree - there's plenty of evidence of seemingly happy and successful people struggling in private.  But I do also think that some people do have an easier time of things than others.

I'd be prepared to consider that nobody is ever prepared to thrive in the world. Some people can appear to thrive in the world but that's down to our perceptions. It's like when you walk down the street and see people smiling happily, having a laugh, holding hands with their partners & family. It all comes together to conjure up an image of a happy family who are enjoying life, which from that starting point we make assumptions about their lives and lifestyles. It's so easy to create these false images of others, which we create in our own minds, which then fuels our own problems of how we see ourselves in comparison to what we've just created in our minds of how wonderful the lives of others must be. We don't actually know what's going on with the lives of others.

Are the people we label as thriving and successful really thriving and successful?

Maybe there are those who don't consider themselves as having been equipped to thrive in life as they may have their own bad experiences, their own mental health issues, etc. Yet, maybe they're just more adept at covering such things up in the way that photoshopping images of models in fashion magazines, which presents a false image of some models, helps fuel issues around people feeling depressed over their body image as they compare their own bodies to these images.

People try too hard to strive for perfection as we are bombarded by so many messages from the environment around us that we should strive to be this or that or whatever it is that defines the expectations of what it is we should be. I'm certainly not perfect and I never will be.

I 100% agree with this sentiment. It's not our fault but we still have to find a way to learn to live in this world and that's certainly not always an easy task, especially when we have to find our own way of coping by going through a lot of bad experiences without adequate support to help prepare us.

Yes, services are fragmented, patchy and under-resourced when what we need is continuity, co-ordination between services and appropriate signposting, without having to join yet another waiting list once one service decides they can't help us.

I foolishly expected more but now realise that it might be quicker for me to seek some autism training for myself!

Sorry, I should have been more specific. By "support they need", I basically mean like you're trying to do, just someone to be there to help them become themselves and find their own way rather than services that only make the situation worse, don't actually deal with the actual issues, which leads to escalating issues, which then take longer to process. So, basically, the chaos of your life so far pretty much represents them not getting the support they need. If the chaos continues, the process of them working things out will take a lot longer.

So, I suppose to put it simply, they need the support of someone who will actually work with them, not dictate to them, not judge them, not work against them.

Right now, you're expending a lot of energy trying to sort out the services that should actually be doing their jobs properly. To me, that isn't right.

Exactly.  It's totally horrible and I don't want it in my mind.  It kind of pops up when I'm feeling particularly low so it's in there somewhere unfortunately.  :( 

I'm finding it easier to feel more compassion towards my parents lately so I'm hoping such thoughts will retreat.  I guess it's born of resentment at not feeling equipped to thrive in the world.  However, there are so many areas in which I wouldn't want to thrive anyway and others to which I can happily migrate.  I'm hoping my forays into the literature on neurodiversity will foster that and also that this has a knock on effect on what I'm able to offer my sons.  

I think we should have an ND freelance agency, employ someone NT to interface clients so we don't have to and trained in translating NT waffle to clear project specs. Sensible support built in for when AS freelancers not coping or not 'getting' job spec.

Research needed to figure out how to match/develop AS people's skills to address market niches. Startup funds with business support to get it working independently. Backed up with co-housing for ND communities including appropriate workspaces.

Oh no! Don't think that, if you can find a way to think compassionately about your parents' situation you'll find it easier to let up on yourself? We don't make the world, most of the AS people I know are kindly and tolerant, honest, decent. What's wrong with that? Your sons just need to know you value them as they are and they'll find a way of coping in a world which is often mean, intolerant, and mendacious. It's not our fault!

This is brilliant Ms Butterfly and when I get home (I'm currently in the pub having something to eat) I will go through the list and respond because already I've got suggestions. 

You did a great job and for sure, your needs will all be met ;) 

Indeed.  I was quite challenging in one appointment and the practitioner became angry and said I was disrespecting her.  I was, however, simply objecting to going down the same routes as had already been tried and which had turned out to be quite damaging.  I had a list as to why.  

And now, knowing that services can be quite damaging, I sometimes hesitate to push for things.  

It's difficult.  Logically I can recognise the limits to my own responsibility.  I might even draw out a responsibility pie chart demonstrating that it's not all down to me.

But my emotional brain is acting as though I have been handed a poisoned chalice and then unwittingly passed it on to my sons.  Just horrible.

Ah, here's what I think I want:

A co-ordinator who can act as my guide as to what services are available, the shortest waiting lists and, if these are long, which private or voluntary services locally might be of most help.

A coach/therapist with specialist knowledge of autism and family dynamics, who could see me initially weekly but then monthly as our situation eases, to act as a sounding board for my own ideas plus a bit like a counselling supervisor regarding strategies I might use that are in keeping with my person-centred approach.  I'm prepared to pay for this but have no idea who to choose and trawling through, say, the BACP practitioner list seems very hitty-missy.  

Strong advice and guidance on services for my sons, to which I can confidently refer them in our family discussions, knowing that, were they to take up any of our open-ended offers, the doors would be open for them and we could depend on them being seen promptly.  Again, prepared to pay for this.  The bottom line is that I would remortgage the house to help them (even though this would trigger my anxiety about poverty).

Some help with benefits claims for someone who refuses to engage with services and won't attend any DWP meetings (part of their total withdrawal from everything)

Some social skills training classes would be a help too, as my older son has specifically requested these but I can't find any.

Sigh.  

In my dealings with alleged MH 'professionals' is that they have no clue about autism .Their only solution is to medicate the 'symptoms' into oblivion.

They seem to HATE high-functioning because you might dare question their god-like abilities.

They like low-functioning because they can push them around and it boosts their ego to medicate and 'cure' them.