Why is socialising so hard?

I do that lol

I hear all the conversations at once and on rare occasions can’t make sense of any of it, normally I just focus extra hard on the relevant convo

I actually hate socialising and I hate having To engage in awkward silence. But I do not see how awkward I am, I’m awkward in general but social situations make it worse. 

I feel like everybody Is embarrassed when we go out or people come over because I can happily sit there in silence. 

I even struggle with immediate family as they don’t appear to understand me whatsoever. 

Well this sounds familiar. Socialising with people I don't know. Sometimes I can't work out whether I struggle with it, or whether I just can't be bothered? It's all very draining.

Went. Spoke very little. Almost all to my two granddaughters. The others there didn't try to engage me in conversation.

Ah, great! Bizarre how cats have a sixth sense like that. I once had someone over who'd 'recovered' from severe anorexia. She stayed for about three hours. In that time span our female cat brought in:

• a mouse
• a sparrow
• a woodpigeon (!)

All of them straight through the catflap and in one line to the girl's feet. It was unreal. Really as if to tell her: Girl, you need to eat.

She never visited again by the way.

Very true.... bottom line.. socialising is hard because it involves other people who don’t necessarily know each other, like each other, or share similar outlooks or wiring.., it’s a very unnatural construct.... :) 

It's even better when the pets return the love and attention. 

I'm a cat person and female cats respond by rubbing noses with me.

Pets are great distraction material too. Oh and helping out in the kitchen!!!

Haha this made me laugh. Cats scare me though. If it was a dog however it would definitely come before the adults.

Haha this is the kind of thing I would do. I find social events much easier when there are children there. I just relate to them easier and feel much more comfortable entertaining them than I do trying to have a conversation with an adult.

Last time I had to go to a wedding I was told I looked like I wanted to kill myself. It was a very long and awkward evening.

Last time I attended a wedding, I ended up hanging on some kind of children's play castle with a 7 year old whose language I didn't speak. We also did the see-saw and the swing. It says it all really.

My parents would have gone: 'please, can't you behave?'

I was 38 at the time and wearing a summer dress that was knee-length...

I'll confess to being scared too. I'm going because I think it's expected of me. My granddaughter who is taking me has said I can ask to go home when I need to. The thing is balancing what would be an acceptable time to be there with avoiding becoming too stressed.  I  do think the advice to people not on the spectrum to tell others the person they know is on ,or probably on, the spectrum is good (Prepare your other NT friends for your aspie friend)

Most of the topics I'd want to talk about ,such as mental health and politics , are conversational non starters. Also how and when do you go up to someone and start engaging in conversation? Then there's the whole thing of processing your responses in real time which probably equates to being spontaneous .

I would end up ignoring all the people and playing with the cat.

An excellent checklist of do's and don't. 

But knowing what to do and actually doing it.  Are very different skills and abilities. 

I still avoid social situations.  I have learnt how to function ok in well structured encounters such as shopping,  short meetings with people I recognise.  But open ended parties terrify me.

A room full of people is difficult noise wise too. I always get distracted by the conversations near me, and can't focus on the conversation I was engaged in.

I find initiating conversation hard. Especially in a room of lots of people. I need someone to hook me in on something I'm interested in - then I feel more comfortable and can chat away. The thing I don't get is I know some basic rules like if someone asks you a question you should answer and ask them in return. But for some reason I find it really difficult to ask them back.

At a kids party, I would probably ignore the adults and play with the kids.

Aaaah, that's actually really helpful.

I used to think of topics to talk about before social gatherings, but I do find they only help for a few minutes.

I seriously have no idea what people spontaneously talk about.

Borrowed from aspergers100.com

Here are a few basics to help you in social situations:

• Keep in good mental and physical shape, through healthy diet and exercise
• Have interests and activities that raise your self-esteem. If you like and value yourself, others may follow suit.
• Manners are the oil which make situations run smoothly. Please, thank you, hi, how are you, nice to meet you, goodbye, have a nice day, may all seem trite and meaningless but they are cues, transitions so that things can flow. Consider them signposts or turns in the road.
• Always ask how the other person is, and it helps to throw in a “how is your family?” (or pet, or girlfriend, etc.)
• Don’t go on and on about yourself or your interests unless asked, and not for more than a minute.
• No matter how great other people think you are, it’s not okay to admit you think you’re great too. We are not known for modesty, so do curb any tendency towards arrogance.
• Have scripts for specific situations, e.g. if someone compliments you, say “thank you, that is very kind” or something to that effect. If someone else has had something nice happen to them, say “congratulations” even if you think its not important or exciting. If someone’s pet/relative/friend has died, you say, “I’m sorry for your loss” even though you don’t feel sorry because you never knew them and they were old anyway. These kinds of scripts take the pressure off, as we tend to over-think things in social situations.
• Try to go places with a trusted friend or relative, someone you can bounce things off of. Ask them to be your social interpreter: “What did he mean by that? Is it okay if I do this? What does that look mean? Have I met that person before?” These are daily questions I ask my neurotypical boyfriend when we are out.
• Don’t assume the worst in others’ actions and speech. In short, we can be a little paranoid, but we don’t know we are. It’s best not to assume, but if you have to, err on the side of caution or optimism. If there are people who consistently give you a bad feeling or confuse you, be polite but don’t try to be their buddy.
• When in doubt, leave it out. If you aren’t sure if something is appropriate to say, you probably shouldn’t say it. I’m a comic, and on stage I can get away with some incredibly rude or outrageous things, because of the context. But in everyday conversation, stay away from controversial comments about someone’s looks, gender, race, etc. Although neurotypicals often like sarcasm, unless you are quite certain it won’t backfire, don’t say it.
• Don’t join in gossip because you think it’ll make you one of the crowd. Those who gossip can still be gossiped about. You aren’t adept enough to read the political wind of things, so just be polite to everyone and you should be okay. I’m talking here about grown up social situations. High school is a whole other ball of wax, and the only way kids with AS can be protected from gossip and bullies is if the school makes Aspergers and Autism a special course of study for all of its students, through films, documentaries and talks by experts; especially those who are themselves on the spectrum.
• Before you go out, have a checklist of things you need to have or do. I have a mental checklist of all my sensory and cognition tools that help me through my day or night, including earplugs, hats, sunglasses, maps or diagrams if I’m going somewhere new, phone, scarf, gloves (I get cold and have touch issues), etc. I use to have a written one but I’ve committed it to memory. I also have to check myself before I leave a bathroom when I’m out, for I usually forget to zip my pants and buckle my belt. I know aspies that have left bathrooms with their pants down around their ankles and never noticed!
• Get to know what you look and sound like to others. I find cameras and videos very helpful for letting me know what I look like to others when I’m stimming, talking, singing etc. You probably look better than you think.
• Modify your stims. By all means rock or hum, but practice doing it to music and not quite so wildly, only because drawing attention to yourself might make you more uncomfortable. I had a friend who used to wet his hair every five minutes, to cool down. Crowds made him break out in a sweat, but the water dripping down his face in a restaurant was very noticeable and embarrassing.
• Explain in a matter-of-fact manner that you are on the spectrum and have a different idea about socializing. I tell people that I “socialize with purpose” and am not comfortable just “hanging out”. In other words, I’m comfortable doing things and not talking about things, unless I can monologue on my interests. They may be taken aback at first, but a decent person will admire your candor and self-awareness.
• Explain that you have a threshold, a time limit for socializing and that when it’s up, it’s up. Know the signs of overload and impending meltdown: crankiness, fatigue, strong desire to run away, discomfort, selective mutism, etc. Go home, rest, rejuvenate and replenish!

For those of you who are not on the spectrum but know someone who is, here are a few rules for you too:

• Don’t say “You don’t seem like you have Aspergers” to a person who is diagnosed as being on the spectrum. It is invalidating and insulting to say that to someone.
• Don’t criticize the way someone looks, or their facial expression. It makes us very self-conscious. Give constructive advice if asked.
• Don’t tell someone they are acting weird. Steer the conversation towards safer ground, someplace you know they’ll be more comfortable. If that isn’t possible, my boyfriend gives my arm a gentle squeeze if I’m starting down a path I shouldn’t.
• Don’t take his/her quirks personally but do take them seriously.
• Be patient.
• Prepare them for social situations—make sure they understand who you’re meeting and how they relate to you. Warn or explain in advance those people’s traits, e.g. loud, aggressive, domineering, outspoken, etc..
• Prepare your other NT friends for your aspie friend.
• Don’t criticize us for not recognizing people, or think it is because we are self-centered. We just don’t recognize faces very well.
• Don’t mock us for forgetting to zip our pants or tie our shoes. Young or old, we are like absent-minded professors.
• Don’t try to tell us our special interests are a waste of time. We will think you are stupid. Take at least a minor interest in them.
• We get sensory overload which makes us seem demanding, irrational and cranky! Want to know what it’s like? Nails on a chalkboard, except we get that feeling from a million different things.
• When we say we have to go, don’t try to make us stay longer. The end result could be meltdown.
• Ask before hugging. Handshakes are usually preferred, or just nod and say hello.