Mental turmoil and newly self-diagnosed

I'm 17 and I feel the exact same way. My brother was diagnosed last year so I thought I'd read into it so i could know what it is and stuff. For years I have had this question circling of what is wrong with me? I went to cahms just over a year ago to see what is wrong with me and if i had OCD (that thought circled my head for ages) they didn't give me a clear answer. It explained why I might like things done my way, But not my emotions and other questions bothering me. I felt like giving up but it still bothered me.

I didn't however realise that girls and boys with autism or aspergers can show differentish signs, And how different everyone on the spectrum is.

The day before I started sixth form, I had an intense sort of research session on girls with asd and I really think I have it. And it's answered all the questions that have been unanswered for years I feel like crying whenever I think about it. And it's so hard even though I haven't struggled as long as others. It's like everything is clear now but i cant do anything until someone experienced says "you have it". 

My friends and family dont believe me or are saying dont be so bothered by it until you find out, you'll just get sad if they say you don't have it. But I literally cant. It answers so many questions that I've bullied myself over.

Yes, I've also been advised to go privately by a friend. Possibly will do that. Specially if they ave me waiting 2 years for an appointment, which I've also heard to have happened.

Process and time varies from area to area.  Mine was a shade over 2 years from initial referral to finally getting the letter.  This is why some people choose to go privately.

I'm confident. How long did it take in general? I heard it could take 2 years or more.

I didn't think I would pass my diagnostic assessment, even though I was totally convinced.  As it turned out, my assessor was in no doubt whatsoever.  At the end of the interview, she said 'I'll be writing to you in a few weeks with my findings - but I can tell you that I'm sure I've seen and heard enough to know it will be positive.'  Just be yourself.  They know what to look for.

Hi there,

I touch points with a lot of what you say.  Internal turmoil, anxiety, difficulty with processing a lot of stuff.  I can't multi-task.  I hate leaving a job unfinished.  When I see work colleagues ignoring important jobs or doing them slap-dash, it saddens me and angers me to the point that I don't know how to express myself.  I got close to a full meltdown recently over a simple thing where I felt I was being taken for granted.

I got my diagnosis 3 years ago, at the age of 56.  It answered a lot of questions for me.  It certainly explained a lot of things about the failure of my marriage in 2004 - but it came too late for that.  I first started to realise I was probably on the spectrum about 5 years ago.  From that point, I wanted the diagnosis.  I wanted validation.  I was sick of feeling 'sick' - anxious, depressed - for no reason that I could properly explain to anyone, even doctors.  I turned to drink as a crutch.  My drinking has gotten progressively out of hand.  At the weekend, I reached crisis with it (as many other good people on these forums will know).  All I would say to you is... don't go down that route.  It leads to hell.  At the same time, our 'differences', and the issues we encounter because of them, often means that life can seem difficult to handle without something.  Many self-medicate.  Many conventional medications, such as anti-depressants, don't work for us.

Your issue at work would also make me sick.  Actually, I have had a similar issue with a colleague who took me into her confidence and showed me support and friendship - and then dumped me over something silly.  It's caused such grief that I've decided not to go back to work today.  I've been on two weeks' leave and was due back today, but couldn't face it so rang in sick.  If I'm honest, my behaviour at the weekend was in good part behind it.  People don't realise how much damage they can cause.  Others have said 'Just let it go over your head.'  But my head doesn't work like that.  And when you've spent a lot of your life finding other people to be either indifferent towards you at best, or hostile towards you at worst, it tends to make you feel unsafe with any form of human attachment.  I don't have any friends as such, though I have people I know I definitely can trust.  I feel safe here, too.  The people on these forums are some of the best people I've ever 'known', and I've not met a single one of them.

Nothing you've said strikes me as odd at all.  I could probably have written a lot of it myself.  You sum up my feelings exactly.

Do you think you will go down the diagnostic route?  I would encourage anyone to.  Have you done the AQ test?  It's here if not.

AQ Test

Also, check out the other resources on the NAS site...

Asperger's Syndrome

There's a link to info about getting a diagnosis.

Good luck.  You're not alone 

Tom

Yeah, I'm obsessed as well. Ugh. I'm waiting for to be able to get a date for diagnosis and they're pushing the date for to be able to get a date back further every time, not counting confusing phone calls to ever changing contact persons who deny what the other one said. I told them I was the potentially autistic person and this was making me crazy and they just quit responding to my calls (that was the second time I called them, only to verify what the other person had said, because it contradicted what the first one had said). Can you imagine this?

I'm scared of 'failing' at the diagnostic too, even though I'm very confident that I am in the spectrum after all I've read, the test I took, the opinions I got from persons who worked with Autistic people. I've been very good at passing for many years but it all broke down piece by piece when the weight of events in my life became unbearable. The reasons why I'm scared now is because I am highly distrustful of the world that surrounds me, including doctors, lawyers and any part of society that has the privilege to manipulate my fate and place in society in any way. That's because of very bad experience I made throughout my life and am still making to this day. This is also why I seek an exchange of support in a forum like this, where everyone is approximately on the same level.

I’m sorry to hear this and wanted to say that your not alone. I was diagnosed as an adult about 18 months ago and for the month preceding my diagnosis, I was anxious about the process and whether I’d meet the diagnostic criteria. It’s hard to accept autism generally however, it can also explain so much.

When discussing my diagnosis with a professional, it was explained condition means that we can experience strong emotions. This makes sense and those with ASD can be more sensitive to the world (its simply how our brains are wired). Moreover, things can take longer to process and feeling overwhelmed is very much part of the condition.

Your post does not mention if you are pursuing a diagnosis but if your comfortable, consider speaking to your GP regarding a referral.

I had this realisation about 18 months ago. Many light bulb moments, obsessive reading and researching. I ferl i can manage stress and conflict better as i can attribute AS to myself. No one has ever mention autism to me. I have raised it with a few close people who have laughed it off. I was quite offnded. My partner is very supportive. I dont know if i should go forward with a diagnosis as i have managed 33years without one. I dont know if i want the stress of diagnostic process. There have beensome great comments and advice on a thread i started about 3 weeks ago reWomen and men diagnosed with ASD in later life. you are not alone. Best of luck.

I can identify with your qupte below. Not necessarily in work but life in general.

NAS39081 said:

It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else

It does sound like me too. You describe my mind set so well!

I am 50 years old and a woman and just beginning to think over the last 5 years I might be autistic. Not sure if I can cope with being diagnosed or the process though.

Just going through a meltdown period when I seem to be getting lots of little things wrong as I'm interpreting them literally. This kind of panic situation when making a mistake or getting something a little wrong seems to be the start of a slippery slope leading (very quickly) to total collapse seems so familiar to me. I often know I'm right and have evidence but somehow it just seems that if that evidence is presented then it will be somehow be not enough or wrong and then the reality which enables me to cope is shattered. Actually not sure I am coping which is why I'm here.

I wonder if being able to explain it using "autistic" would be helpful. I worry that being rejected by going through diagnosis process and then being told it is not autism but just me being wrong would just be enough to send me over the edge totally. Also I have been brought up to believe that other people need to be considered but it is very very wrong to put myself forward and ask for things and asking for (or even giving myself) special consideration for "autism" certainly fits asking for things and so is wrong! ARRgH.

I suspect lots of non-autistic people also have doubts but mask them and use good social skills to cope and somehow end up good friends with their most critical enemy! 

Like others here I have one son diagnosed (which is when I started thinking I could be too) and probably have to go through the process for another son soon.

Like you no one has actually said that I might be autistic though my twin and my brother both have had it said about them. I have learnt a lot of coping skills over the years but sometimes they desert me or the effort seems so much. It would be great to feel accepted not only by family / friends / work but also by me!

Good luck with the diagnostic process, I would be very interested in hearing how you get on! It is very heartening to hear that others have found diagnosis helpful.

NAS39081 said:

Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t  KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences

yep, could have written that myself. What made me make the decision to get diagnosed was being obsessed with "am I autistic". Figured knowing that i was would remove that intense obsession.

And it did!

Thank you Beaky8401 and Nowhere Mat. You both mention that other people suggested you might be Autistic before you considered it yourselves. No one I know would even remotely condider me Autistic, I’ve even asked a few and they were shocked I even considered it. But I scored highly on the Autism Quotient I took online and my field of expertise/interest is Psychology/therapy/behaviour, even from a young age, so I think I’ve trained myself to be/appear understanding, to make minimal social faux pas and to pass as more neurotypical. I say all the right things, I know what to say to make people feel better, and I definitely am highly empathic.

I’m most scared of pursuing a formal diagnosis, and not being diagnosed. Then I’ll feel like I’m not Autistic, so what could possibly be the reason for me to feel like this? At least being Autistic would be an explanation. I just worry that I’m getting my hopes up and when I finally meet a specialist, I’ll hear a big fat ‘nope’.

I'm 34 and about a year ago I "accepted" that I am autistic...I had spent about 7 years reading about it after more and more people either assumed I was or suggested I might be!

I relate so much to how you describe the way you feel about it. I am finally past that stage now and as a result feel able to persue a formal diagnosis. In my area I would have to wait around 3 years to go via NHS route so I am going via self funding private route.

My husband has thankfully been hugely supportive and I think is as relieved as I am to have answers to my behaviour and life experiences over the years. I also have 3 sons and they need me to know "who I am" so I can focus better on them. We think at least one son is on the spectrum too so my being assessed may help to get him into the system.

There is lots to read about women and autism, I have had so many "light bulb" moments...my life makes sense at last!

NAS39081 said:

Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis? 

Yeah, reading you, I can say that I'm possibly at a similar point. Had no idea that Autism could apply to me some years ago. I come from a generation where literally everyone was undiagnosed. My ex who used to work with autistic people hinted me that she believed I was autistic. I didn't take it seriously back then until lately, I started reading a lot about Asperger Syndrome and found out that almost all of it applied to me, specially in my childhood. I'm waiting for diagnosis, which can take years. In the meantime, I'm in a state of constant meltdown. I quit work years ago because colleagues where increasingly bullying me in order to erode the little authority and respect I had earned at my job in 10 years time. They succeeded and it almost killed me. To be honest, I was in a state of wanting to murder someone or some people. I left work the same day and never came back. I suppose they still don't know what happened and think I'm just a crazy weirdo. I started a few other jobs after that but had to leave too because I felt or feared the same situation might arise. I'm traumatized but who cares? Who repays me for that pain and for the new disability that has been created? No one. It's up to me to get up on my feet again. Ugh!

Good thing you found to this forum 

Oh, and if you can, edit your profile so that you get a less generic name because the automated names (NAS12345...) are very hard to tell apart.