Published on 12, July, 2020
I’ve just realised that I probably am Autistic, although my friends and family will be very surprised as I mask very well. Much of my turmoil is internal but occassionally gets verbalised. I will be seeking a formal diagnosis.
Since realising that I probably am Autistic, I’ve felt like I’m in a constant state of meltdown internally. I can’t focus on anything, I’m obsessed with reading about Autism in women (I am a woman, in my 30’s), my thoughts race, I feel anxious and sick. Because I don’t KNOW for sure, I’m not officially diagnosed, I feel like I can’t relax until I know for sure, and also it’s like I’m having to reassess all my beliefs and experiences which I’d previously attributed to other things (laziness, depression, dyslexia, anxiety, just being a bit different, being highly sensitive, childhood trauma, an empath etc etc etc). But I feel can’t properly decide whether they are all due to being Autistic until I have a proper diagnosis. It would explain a lot of problems in my marriage too.
Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis?
Also, a work thing has happened, a small thing really. A colleague has emailed a manager hinting at me not having done my job properly, or at least that’s how I’ve percieved it. It’s sent me into total meltdown because I know I have. I feel physically sick and like I might pass out, it’s a bodily feeling of meltdown if that makes sense? Like I’m angry in every fibre of my being. I can’t just let it go/forget about it/not worry as my friends have suggested. It’s a situation which is easily resolvable as I have evidence, but I have to work with this colleague and feel betrayed. It’s the feeling of not being able to let it go and it becoming such a huge thing when it’s not a huge thing to anyone else. This happens a lot. I’ve left many a job because of it and because I can’t cope with these feelings. It’s like wherever I go aI feel I’m being persecuted.
Is this a ‘normal’ Autistic experience? Could it be caused by Autism? I just feel so different and such shame for not being able to cope with situations like this which other people seem to percieve as just bumps.
NAS39081 said:Has anyone else experienced this? A difficult time processing you diagnosis/potential diagnosis?
Yeah, reading you, I can say that I'm possibly at a similar point. Had no idea that Autism could apply to me some years ago. I come from a generation where literally everyone was undiagnosed. My ex who used to work with autistic people hinted me that she believed I was autistic. I didn't take it seriously back then until lately, I started reading a lot about Asperger Syndrome and found out that almost all of it applied to me, specially in my childhood. I'm waiting for diagnosis, which can take years. In the meantime, I'm in a state of constant meltdown. I quit work years ago because colleagues where increasingly bullying me in order to erode the little authority and respect I had earned at my job in 10 years time. They succeeded and it almost killed me. To be honest, I was in a state of wanting to murder someone or some people. I left work the same day and never came back. I suppose they still don't know what happened and think I'm just a crazy weirdo. I started a few other jobs after that but had to leave too because I felt or feared the same situation might arise. I'm traumatized but who cares? Who repays me for that pain and for the new disability that has been created? No one. It's up to me to get up on my feet again. Ugh!
Good thing you found to this forum
Oh, and if you can, edit your profile so that you get a less generic name because the automated names (NAS12345...) are very hard to tell apart.